Sitting on Hold...

Yes, I am literally sitting on hold. But it has slowed my day down and given me time to sit a think... Smooth road, Smooth sailing... Why does life find it funny to throw in a speed bump or wave?

As many of our readers know, I have a love/ hate relationship with my mother. To be honest it's more of a tolerance/ dislike relationship. I don't know why, but she is the one person on this earth that can get under my skin. I have patience stronger than most, until you throw my mother in the mix. She makes my stomach knot up and I get more anxious than I can sometimes deal with... I can't help but wish that the clock would fast forward and my children were 18 so I never had to speak to this woman again. I don't by any means want my children to grow up a moment quicker than they have too, but oh to be blessed finally with never having to see or talk to her again!

I was torn with wanting to invite her to Jack and I's wedding.. On one hand, she is my mom and isn't your mom, if alive, suppose to be there on your wedding day? But on the other hand, I don't want her bad energy and judgmental ways to be a black cloud on our very special day.... I have finally made the decision that I will not be inviting my mother to our wedding. I want to enjoy our true family and friends without anxiety or stress. I feel that having my mother there will only be an attack on me, my love and my self esteem. Some may not agree with my decision, though I know I will be supported and respected for it anyway. So there ya have it... Book closed!

And yes I am still, 45 minutes later, sitting on hold!

Loves,
JGirl

Wow, what a rush!

So I did it.  I ran the warrior dash.  I have to say its one of the most fun things I've ever done!  The competition was awesome!  The comradery was incredible.  I'm sure I've mentioned more than once that I do not love running but this was empowering, uplifting, and downright awesome!  I ran with 2 great ladies while 2 other great ladies were our cheerleaders!  One of whom is my love.  This is one of the few times I've enjoyed competition.  I was competing against myself and that was fine with me.  I just wanted to do each obstacle, run the best I could, and finish.  And in my mind I did all three with flying colors!

Pop the Question

It's has been so long since I have actually sat down and wrote on our blog.. What an amazing journey this has been... I have watched my boy become a man and all I can say is "How lucky am I?" Well now we turn the page and a new chapter of our life begins... This Boy asked This Girl to spend the rest of her life with him and of course This Girl said yes! And so now... We are planning a wedding like no other!!! :) Get ready for a celebration of love!!!!! And nothing but unique, because let's face it, it's what we are!

Loves,
JGirl

My Warrior

He did it! Jackson completed the Warrior Dash, mud pit and all! I am so proud!!!

Warrior Waiting..

We are 20 minutes in to my guys final must do of the transition... The last leg of the race if you will... The wait is killing me!

- Jgirl

The warrior dash in Tulsa Oklahoma

Ok, we are on the road to Tulsa Oklahoma so I can run the warrior dash.  When I got my top surgery, I wanted to do something for myself.  I'm sure I decided this while on meds. Haha. Anyway, I wanted to do the race somewhere "cool" like Boulder or Austin but decided on Tulsa because of proximity to where I live.  No offense to Tulsa but its not a place I would choose first for vacation. 
Anyway, I had plans on training hard, thought this would give me that motivation to get my ass in shape.  Well, of course I didn't train very hard, did some weight training but no cardio.  So we shall see how well I do.  I'll post some pics.  Better sign off, writing this blog from the passenger seat is making me car sick. Great...
Later, Jack

My take on DI surgery

*I wrote this blog a while back and found it in my drafts.  I'll go ahead and post it as I want to get my story out from my point of view.  I'll update some more later*

Ok, now I want to talk about the surgery itself.  As much as I researched, as much as I talked with other guys, as much as the surgeon tried to explain everything in detail....I wasn't prepared for the recovery, not at all.  Now in the past I've considered myself to have a mild pain tolerance.  I don't like pain but when it happens I can suffer thorough it.  And I was a good patient.  I stayed down and chill for the first two weeks.  Then I started slowly getting around.  I wanted to be so careful as to make sure I got the best results possible.  Then I hit my 6 week mark and thought that was it.  I had the notion that at 6 weeks it all magically healed and I was perfect again.  So around that next week I needed to get back to work...well, work that I can get anyway.  I'm doing gardening for home gardeners.  I only worked about 10 hours over 2 days which isn't much. But man did I pay for it.  I was swollen and had the most pain since the surgery...more even because first couple of weeks after surgery as I was on morphine and felt no pain!
So I'll be honest...I've been incredibly frustrated at how long it has taken.  All the meanwhile my sweet nurse girlfriend kept trying to tell me these things but I just thought I was different, I was strong and healthy.  Ugh, don't fool yourselves.  Listen to your body.  Mine was bitching and moaning longer than I ever expected. 

So much to catch up on...I'll start with biggest news first.

So, here it is...me! The real me, the me I've wanted for so long. I am incredibly blessed to have been able to get my surgery. I'm not sure if you have consistently kept up on my inconsistent blog but if you have you would know I had been very unhappy at work. And I suspected they were edging me out. So in December they dissolved my whole department. Those bastards after slaving us away all summer, apparently in preparation of this event, let my whole crew and I go 2 weeks before Christmas. Well besides wanting to say a big FUCK YOU to them, I should actually count my blessings. My surgery probably wouldn't have happened without being let go. I wouldn't have been strong enough to take 6 weeks off and come back a different person. So maybe I should thank them....maybe. So timing is a funny thing. And I suppose fate has a bit to do with things as well.

So anyway, I scheduled my surgery with Dr Peter Raphael in Plano TX for late April. I had actually cashed out my 403b to assist with being unemployed and decided to just go ahead and pay for the surgery with it so I could start out new employment as the real me. I would highly recommend Dr. Raphael. Beyond being a charming nice individual, he is a gifted surgeon and lets you know what your role is on getting the best results. This is a 50/50 situation. One must prepare beforehand and then care for themselves properly afterwards to help the surgeon achieve the best results. Now I'm not saying some surgeons don't botch surgeries but I think sometimes people in general think plastic surgery fixes them without having to do the homework. His homework for this surgery was to do chest exercises. Build my pecs up so he could see my natural lines and work around them. Well, I probably got serious about 7-8 months beforehand about exercise in anticipation I might be having surgery...then once I had the date, it was on like donkey kong. I focused primarily on my pecs and shoulders. And let my tell you, I don't love working out. It's just another chore to me like laundry or dishes. But it had to be done, reluctantly. So there you have it. A short update on what I've recently been up to. I'll write another one about the actual surgery and recovery and such. If anyone has questions, post on the comments and I'll answer them in my next blog.

Gifts from my pets....

So, here are the eggs my chickens have been gracing us with. They are yummy, though I have to be careful how many I ingest in a week as I've recently found out I have high cholesterol.
Oh well, I needed to start watching anyway, it's hereditary I'm sure of it.

It's been ages...how ya been?

Ok, if any of you are even still reading, we apologize for the greatest of Blogger sins....dropping of the face of the earth.  Well, there's been so much going on that it will take a while to catch up.  So with my nifty new Blogger App, that may become easier.  So, ill start writing drafts story by story as to not be one convoluted mish mash of events.

NO SOUP FOR YOU! :)

Acorn Squash Soup

3 acorn squash
1 tsp nutmeg
½ tsp cumin
1 tsp salt
¼ tsp pepper
1 T honey
¼ c heavy whipping cream
1 onion
¼ c red wine
1 whole garlic bulb
3 T Olive Oil
6-7 fresh basil leaves

Cut raw acorn squash into quarters. Remove seeds, leave skin for now. Put in stock pot with around 4 c of water. Bring to a boil and simmer for about 15 minutes or until soft but not too mushy. Let cool well because you’ll need to remove the skins, some of it will just peel off and some needs to be cut. Keep 2 c of the boiling water.

While cooking squash, have a whole garlic bulb wrapped in foil, roasting in a 400 degree oven for about 20 minutes. Make sure to toss the bulb in the oil and pour the remaining oil on the foil. It is easier to deal with the roasted garlic if you cut off the top to expose all the cloves a wee bit.

Also, slice onion into small slices and start caramelizing. Keep cooking on low heat until brown, clear and soft. Then add the red wine to a high heat and cook of a bit of it and create sort of “gravy” or a reduction if you’re fancy. This too can take about 20 minutes or so. It’s important for the texture to not burn the onions but caramelize them completely.

Allow all ingredients to cool a bit after cooking. After removing skin from squash, cut into 1” size chunks or so and blend until smooth; at this time, include the honey. You will want to use some of the left over cooking water to create the consistency of your liking. I made it equivalent to infant baby food. :)
Place blended squash into cooking pot and add spice mixture. Put on low heat as you prepare the other items to add. Blend reduced onions, roasted garlic, and basil leaves together until nice and smooth. You can use some more of the squash cooking water if necessary. After blended nicely, mix in with squash and mix well and start heating slowly. When thoroughly heated, stir in whipping cream to create a nice smooth texture. You can serve with some fresh basil and I also served some raisin toast sans butter for dipping into the soup.


Dis some good shit main....................
Enjoy...........
J

Holla if you're hungry!

Last night I got in a cooking mood. Well, I actually already pre-cooked some squash to make squash soup on Sunday and didn’t get around to it so it was either now or never with those poor squash. But I knew I wanted a creamy smooth style soup. I’m actually not much for “chunky” soups. I like my soup smooth and easy, just like my girl, just kidding…about her not my soup preference. So one thing I love with acorn squash is honey. Oh man a baked acorn squash with butter and honey is divine! So I’m rambling around in my pantry and come up with what I think will make a good soup. I’ve learned over the years to be creative since I’ve lived in situations where funds were limited or the ability to just take a quick jaunt to the store was out of the question. I decided to go with the whole fall season theme which usually means a bit of nutmeg and honey, throw in some cumin, salt, and black pepper and there’s the spice mix. I caramelized onions and made a red wine reduction sauce, then finished off my ingredients list by roasting some garlic and adding in some fresh basil. It turned out better than I anticipated. I blended everything together nice and smooth and put in a stock pot to heat. At the last minute, I add a wee bit of whipping creme. It was so good. Sometimes I surprise myself with my cooking ability. I do love to cook but to do it right takes time. With getting older, I try to think about exactly what I want my next career to be. And sometimes chef comes up. But I watch these chef shows and see exactly how stressful it is. Plus I have a good friend who’s a chef and it’s been a bit hard on him to find good employment in our area. So, I think that’s just one of those pipe dreams that if you could choose everything about your dream, every detail….then I would choose to be a chef. But, I do love to just cook a good meal at home and watch my girls eyes light up when she takes her first bite. She particularly like the soup last night. Which I paired with cinnamon raisin toast. Sounds weird but it was good!
Speaking of cooking, I need to bring back my Sunday brunches. When I was single, I used to invite friends over to Sunday brunch after we partied Saturday night. It then took off and other friends were hosting it. It was fun and a nice ending to the weekend. I don’t know exactly why we haven’t done it in a while, well…yes I do…we’ve been super stressed and super poor. But I’m thinking that’s just what we all need. Some of my famous homemade biscuits and shitake gravy….damn, I’m so hungry.
So, tonight I will be making chili, crock-pot chili. I love making things in my giant crock-pot. Mainly because I’m kind of neurotic when I cook (imagine that) and I will watch a pot to death. But for some reason, crock-pots do the cooking for me so I can relax about it. Thank god chili weather is here! Ha, get it, “Chilly” weather? Mmm, ok enough about food. It’s almost lunch time and I think I have a date with some soup! Later…………………
P.S. If anyone wants the soup recipe, comment your request and I'll try to put it in recipe form for ya.

It's a juggling act...and I'm not such a great juggler!

So these past several weeks have just been quite turbulent, my emotions have run from frighteningly angry to a strange despair to quiet acceptance and back again. To start off the ride, I hurt my back. Now I do physical work so I’m used to a sore back occasionally after work. But I’ve never really hurt my back to the point which I stop what I’m doing, try not to drop to my knees, and take deep breaths to evaluate the seriousness of the injury. And when I couldn't’ twist my body to the left without taking my breath away I figured I had fucked some shit up! So, I kind of stood in the garden for a moment, quite unsure of the next step. Then realized I needed to go into the administrative office and tell HR. Well, they were thrown off a bit I think because I’ve worked at my company for 10 years not with no Work Comp complaints so I think they weren’t sure I was serious at first. But, I was serious. Basically I ended up at a chiropractor which wasn't a big deal. He helped and I recovered, thank god because then my girl ended up in the hospital and had to have surgery. I'll let her write about that though. Thankfully she's better and our lives are possibly back on track. We are almost there with the house, finances, and ourselves...almost. :)
My goal for right now is to get my body back under control. When is so freaking hot outside, the last thing I want to do is work out or any physical labor for that matter, unless I'm getting paid to do it.
(I wrote part of this blog a while back so I hope it isn't too disjointed...well, at least more than normal!)
Things are going ok as far as my job. I've basically accepted the changes of the guard here and am just trying to make it work. No use fighting something I have no control over. The rumor is my department will go back to where it was and I won't work for such a c*nt anymore. (btw, I hate that word normally, I only use it in extreme circumstances to prove my true disdain for someone.)
I also applied for a similar position elsewhere and was called in for an interview but the guy never called me back to let me know the exact time. With my low self esteem professionally, I was mildly upset. But I know someone at that company who called their HR department and apparently they haven't filled the position and are notoriously slow at hiring. I really just want this job for my back pocket in case all hell breaks loose here even though it would be a significant pay cut. Which if you're a regular reader, you might have noticed I'm not the best with the funds I have now....let alone a large pay cut...I'd be screwed. Ha.
The great thing is that I seem to now have a sense of pride about who I am now. It's not as hard for me to tell people to call me by my boy name. Or to just come out and let people in on what's going on with me. And if I were to get that job, that's just what I would do. I think now that I look the part these days, it's actually easier and more simple to request my boy name and pronouns even in professional situations where my legal name is a dead give away. It just makes more sense to call me Jack.
Man, I feel like it's been so long since I've written a blog which it has. And I have so much to say but not so much time to tell it. Grrrr, that's another small issue at home....we are currently without Internet. But thinking that shall change soon if all goes well.
Like I said above...it's a juggling act...some days it's with tennis balls, some days it's with knives......just when you think it's safe with the tennis balls, one hits you in the eye! Be safe ya'll...and I promise to not have such a random, nonsensical post next time....just needed to check in and let you know we aren't dead!
Later!
J

Eat, Pray, Love...Now what?

So today I went and viewed the screening of "Eat Pray Love".. I knew going in to this film the utter disdain of the life I am currently leading (relationship excluded), but had no idea that I would be affected so powerfully by this single movie viewing. I felt, as I watched, that this was my life playing out before me. Not this life that I am currently leading, but the life that lies before me. My possible future if the right road was taken on this journey. It left me with a feeling of empowerment. Not empowerment like "I'm going to take this Arkansas life I am leading, nursing and all, and show them who's boss" but more like, "I should sell everything I own, buy some sarongs, and take off on a jet plane to any country but USA and just be ME!"

I can't take it anymore... I want to be free. We work to pay bills for all these materialistic things we own or are currently purchasing. Why? Why am I continuing in this cycle? What the fuck in 30 years will it matter that I worked as a nurse to pay for a $60 water bill? What the hell does it matter that I own my own vehicle? I mean, wouldn't a Pinto make me just as happy if it was also paid for? And perhaps it would make me even more joyous if I was driving that Pinto in Bali or India!

I can't help but imagine a life so freeing that I can leave and go to another destination at any time on my own schedule. I long for that freedom.. And another thing.. I need to forgive myself. And forgiveness can not be accomplished in this hell I am currently in. It is my own hell, but hell none the less. So back to the forgiving part of this. I need to forgive myself for not running to another country when the court date was set and I lost my children because I was in a lesbian relationship. I need to forgive myself for the decades I have let food (lack of or over abundance of) lead my life. All those nights of sleeping with other people just for my own self worth. All those scars that body bares. I have a lot of forgiving to do.

Maybe this year, 2010, has been a bit traumatic and has led me to this moment in time. Or maybe I am losing my ever loving mind. But maybe, just maybe, I am at the crossroads I have needed to be at and the time had come. Of course I could be having an early mid-life crisis as well! I mean, I did look at my toes today and for a second wonder if they (a plastic surgeon) could get rid of the gigantic wrinkles I found, with juvaderm! Ok, so maybe I am rambling and maybe this bottle of wine has left me asking too many damn questions. But maybe not...

Eat Pray Love.. Now what?

Hell if I know, but I will figure it out.. I always do!

Much Love,
J-Girl

What are you gonna do...

You wake up and realize this is your life. Wake up to that annoying sound of an alarm clock, rollover, and start the day. Time to get up and go to a mundane job to pay bills for materialistic things you have acquired in life. This life. You dread every minute... So what are you gonna do?

What you want to do is throw in the towel and sell everything you have. You want to pull up these roots you have planted and take off in a cozy Minnie Winnie. Hit the open road.. Drive to roadside museums like the Vacuum Museum because who goes to places like that? I mean, have you ever known anyone that has been to the Vacuum Museum? Me either... But I want to...

So at what point do you get to do that? When your 80 and retired? Blah! Life is too short.. We need to enjoy it now! But wait... I'm an adult with responsibilities. "I have to go to work." But why do I have to go to work? Because there are bills to pay and a life that has to be led. But who's life is this? This is what old people do. Am I really that age that I thought was so old when I was younger? Yes I am. But I still dream of running away with the love of life, to enjoy life. I want to go to Greece and pluck real olives from a branch and enjoy every moment of eating real Greek olives. I want to gather a bundle of real grapes from an Italian vineyard and feel them pop in my mouth. I want to feel the burst in my mouth of an actual farm peach that I have gathered with my own hands. I want to dance in the streets of a quaint little village that we have stumbled upon...

Snap back to reality... What am I gonna do? Well that annoying sound is alarming.. Time to get up... but first I am going to rollover and kiss the love of my life good morning... And then cuddle up next to him and snooze for just 5 more minutes....

Much love,
J-Girl

The Journey Continues...

Day to Day to life continues.. Jack and I have had a busy 2 weeks.. Our journey has led us 6 hours away to a top surgeon for Jack. It led us through excitement, heartbreak, and alas to hope! We then were led to a concert, The Cliks, that was amazing! The highlight was definitely meeting and talking to Lucas Silveira of The Cliks. As you can see below, Jack was beside himself... Inside anyway! LOL So we are both crushing on this boy that we met and how fun that is!

Now we have a facebook account to keep you, our dear readers, up to date on the needs and wants of the upcoming event "Chest Away Cabaret". What we know and trust is that you are a talented group with big hearts. This we have always known and loved about each and everyone of you! We are blessed to have you in our lives! Thank You All!!!!!!

So now comes the time to announce the goal we have set and tell you our most important needs. We will keep a running goal so that you can see what is happening and how far we have to reach! The Goal is $7000. We have set a goal to reach this by January 2011. Anything over that goal will go into an account to help other transgender persons with surgery in the future. Jack and I have discussed the possibility of exceeding our goal and feel that this is the right thing to do.. Pay It Forward!

So here is a list of needs... I have spoken to some of you about helping already and love that every single one of you I have talked to has said the same thing, "Whatever you need me to do, I am there." In this world, connections make all the difference, and all of you have them.. Thank you for pulling the "favor" card for this boy that we adore... And now the list:

1. A Venue- We need this donated, so if you have connections, work your magic! We need a great space and are shooting for the middle of November! Evening preferred...

2. Singles- We are planning a " Bid for a Bachelor" at the Cabaret, and would love to sell you! Hey, your our friends and selling your ass is for a good cause! How much do you LOVE Jack?

3. Performers- Kings, Queens, Burlesque, Belly Dancers, Fire Eaters.. We want it all!!! If you have a talent, we want to exploit it! (We will house out of townees)

4. Bands- We know a lot of you are talented in instrument and voice.. We wanna hear it and share it!

5. Items- We will be having a "Silent Auction" during this party and are looking for art, clothes, handbags, shoes and of course services! Hotel rooms, Hair, Make-up, ect. Our hope is to put some services together as an awesome package or 2!

6. Volunteers- We will need both behind the scenes and during the action help!

So there you have it.... We are putting it out in the universe and looking to you, our bright shining stars...

Much Love~ J-Girl

I've never wanted to be a rock star......

Most kids have rock stars that they worship for a little while. Sometimes it's about wanting to be that person, sometimes it's wanting to live their lifestyle, and sometimes it's just that you can see yourself in them. I wasn't really ever one that necessarily worshiped rock stars. Now, don't get me wrong, I had the Metallica, Poison, and Guns and Roses posters all on my bedroom walls. Partially cause I dug the music and partially that was the only thing I did blatantly that my father didn't like. I so wanted to be a rebel and tell my dad to fuck off, but I was weak. Not to mention, the wrong words would cause pretty severe punishment, but that's another blog. So posters of annoying hair bands was as "rebelistic" as I got. But all that subtle rock-star love changed this weekend. We went to Hot Springs on Friday night with a great group of friends to see a band. And not just any band. The Clicks. You might have heard of them. They are from Canada. So, that is pretty amazing alone, that a Canadian rock band came to little old Hot Springs. But what got me excited was that the guy who essentially IS the Clicks is a transman. His name is Lucas and he is a doll...a hottie...I say shyly as I blush. The venue was small and intimate, my favorite place to see a good band. So after the show, the girls were gushing to go talk to him...and for me to meet him. I think they just wanted to use me (the token transman) as their segue into a converstation or a party at the hotel, which ever came first...naughty girls!
So as usual, I was shy. I didn't want to run up to him and act like a rabid fan, even if I felt that inside. I've always had this weird thing about meeting musicians and movie stars, I don't want to seem like I am some weird obnoxious fan. Just a regular person who is just as cool as they are, just not famous. (I know, there goes my ego....jumping right on out there! Haha) But after much coaxing...I went with everybody...and the poor guy seemed a bit overwhelmed. He literally just stepped off the stage about 10 minutes before so he was probably trying to come down off that performance high or exhaustion, not sure which.
Anyway, pictures were taken, merch was purchased. Smiles, flirts, etc. He's totally adorable for sure! I had dreams of him playing at my benefit. But of course that is probably something that musicians of any particular "group" get asked all the time. Hey will you do "this" for me because we are so alike on "that" one small level. But you know, a boy can dream and fantasize all he wants. :)
But all in all, it was a great joy to shake his hand and pose for copious pictures. I was charmed and it felt good to finally meet a musician that I had similarities with. That "was like me" so to speak. And, I finally found one I could gush over. I think I'm finally in love with a rockstar..... *wink wink*

pic by Brandy Sterling aka artist extraordinaire from da hood! ;) much love B.
*EDIT* Pic by Taylor Johnston aka coiffure artist and Brandy's beeatch, in da hood! hahaha LOVES Tay Tay!

When pride has to take a back seat....

Friday July 30th marks the day when I took another step towards my transition. I went to a consultation with a top surgeon. I was planning on having several consultations but after meeting this doctor and his staff, I have decided to go with Dr. Raphael in Texas. I met Dr. Brownstein once at a conference and he gave me a packet of his pricing and explained in detail his surgery procedure and though I thought his procedure was great, his pricing was comparable, I decided that San Fran would be too far for me, not feasible monetarily. And though I haven’t met or talked with Dr. Garramone, my third choice, I once again thought about the feasibility of going to Florida.
So, I’ve chosen Dr Raphael and even though the parking lot was full of high end cars, the waiting room full of high end people, they made me feel comfortable. They all called me by the right pronoun and name. Even when I had to hand the receptionist my driver’s license, I shyly said my legal name is on that, she smiled and said ok…like she already knew that’s what it would be. It was a surreal experience. I have plenty of friends who support me. I pass pretty well these days out in public so it was really great for a professional group of people who KNOW what’s up, didn’t judge and treated me with respect.
So after the meeting with the doctor and his charming assistant, I was elated! He told me that I had great pectoral definition and I can expect great results. He seemed excited at the prospect of sculpting my chest. Though he may act that way with anyone, he seemed generally pleased about the prospects of me having a great male chest. Though at this point, that isn't such an issue, I’d rather just have my chest flat than to have the incorrect gender signifiers attached to my chest. But of course everyone wants their body to have that "perfect" look that society expects of us humans, whether you admit it or not. So I was quite pleased at his positive outlook.
Now the downside, in the packet we were given were the names of several medical credit companies they use. You can apply online with all of them so that's exactly what I did once we returned to the hotel room. I was concerned because even though when I purchased my house I had excellent credit; things have fallen apart little by little. First, just buying the house adds a big debt. Then some medical bills came back to haunt me. Then we became a one income household for a wee bit and so bills got paid but usually late. Anyway, I know this isn't an issue any other human hasn't faced out there. But I was hoping things were on my side and that wouldn't hurt my chances at the medical credit....well, it did. I was denied...every time! So let's just say that put a damper on the whole experience. I should have waited I guess for a little while longer.
So now, it's come to this....that wee little button above that says donate. Grrr, I hate asking for help. I'd rather chew my arm off than ask someone to open the trap. Some sort of stupid pride I suppose. Plus, some of you on my readers list I know personally, and love you all but we aren't the Rockefeller or Walton bunch. So, I am going to gather some things together to sell. Put my savings reserved for house emergencies just for surgery and if it happens that far out, my tax return. So little by little I know we will get it. I'm possibly going to see if insurance is even an option AT ALL. The Doctor didn't seem too positive about that though, plus I bet I'd need to pay in advance anyway. But I will exhaust all methods till I have $6750 in my "Chest-Away Cabaret" account and then I'll send all my donors pics! ;) I mean, we might have to make a calendar of all the cute boys I know. Give me ideas on what you would like for your donation if you chose to give one...:)
And my wonderful girlfriend and friends are planning a soiree as a fundraiser. Another thing that makes me a bit uneasy....but once again, I'll step back and swallow my pride. So details will come available once the plan is in place. But the name, Chest Away Cabaret hints to some of the theme...so be prepared. And hope to see everyone.
Later,
J

Chest Away Cabaret... The Announcement!

Less than 24 hours ago, J and I returned from our road trip. J had a consultation with a surgeon about 6 hours away. The MD was impressed with J's pec muscles and seems excited about the ending results of J's "Chest Reconstruction". To say my boy was on Cloud 9... Well talk about the understatement of the year... But now comes the hard part! The "Debbie Downer" of this entire experience. The Finances! We need to gather roughly $7000. So to our friends and followers we turn. As you can see, we have added a "Donate" button to our blog. It was a hard decision for us to make, as both of us struggle with asking for help, but we know the hearts of all of you and know that you love this boy! And so we put out to the universe our need and wait for victory to come!

Please use the "Donate" button as you can... Any amount will deduct from the need.. From $1 to $7000, Our goal is set and now the journey begins.... Thank you in advance for your support, and thank you always for your love...

Yours, J-Girl

PS: Continue to watch for reports of the upcoming Fundraiser Extravaganza " CHEST AWAY CABARET".....

Totally Random Work Avoidance Post

So this past week I got my desktop computer up and running a wee bit smoother. It is quite old, but it was free and I just want it for music downloads and an occasional web surf. So after I finally got all the bullshit windows updates downloaded and installed, I downloaded a pretty good music program. One that is NOT iTunes! This one organizes music, downloads podcasts, and syncs with my pod (everything iTunes does without the bullshit).
And that's all I want a music program to do…every time I’ve installed iTunes, it crashes my old computer…plus several times it has totally lost all my music. Luckily I have iTunes on several computers as a back up. So anyway, I went about downloading some stuff, mainly pop music. Not my fave but I was having an impromptu party on Saturday night so I wanted to make sure I had some dance tracks for the masses. But one song in particular I downloaded was an Eminem and Rihanna song, ‘I love the way you lie’. I have to say, a wee bit shamefully, I LOVE THIS SONG! For some reason it totally speaks to me somehow. Not because I want to kill my girlfriend or anything, but I can relate to having that situation where you have done something really bad, something someone shouldn’t forgive you for, but they do…because of love. Love can be a seriously powerful thing. I say thing because it’s hard to describe what love is. Love can be great, awesome, but sometimes it can suck and make one fall into the lowest of the lows.
My family unit was never one to say I love you out load. We just kind of knew it. It was just one of those unsaid things like, your hair looks like shit, or you need to lay off the beer. We KNOW those words to be true, so why say them out loud. So this leads me to my gigantic quandary of the millennium, my gorilla on my back, my trumpeting elephant standing on my bed daily. Telling my parents I am a transgender man. Fuck if I cannot say these words to them, I think I’m treating it like I have treated all of our major emotional situations, without words….they should just fucking know. Grrrrr
I have a consultation this week with my first surgeon. Things are getting more real, more serious. How am I going to approach this when I have my surgery scheduled? I think I should tell them before I get so deeply into things so they can process one step at a time. I think it is unfair of me to lay it all on them and they'll have to process it all at once AND have to worry about my health during a surgical procedure, which by the way, my mom has had to go through because of cancer. Ugh, see….it’s not so easy. She is not going to understand due to her own “baggage” why I would even want to willfully remove my chest. I have to make them see me as male. Somehow I need my dad to let go of his concept that I’m his “little girl” Something that should have gone away long ago given my butch tomboy tendencies as a kid anyway. I believe this is why he and I didn’t get along when I was a teenager. I was not acting or behaving or looking anything close to “Daddy’s little girl” concept.
Ok, creepies….not it THAT way! But seriously, I think every father envisions their daughter as prim and proper and full of sugar and spice. Unfortunately for him, I got the snails and puppy dog tails.
So here we are, yet another post about telling my folks, another post realizing the issue but not finding the resolve. Maybe I can call up Eminem and have him hook a brother up…dude, write a song about this and I’ll play it for my parents. The funny thing is, my intention for this blog was going to be about Eminem and how some people love him and some people love him. I have flip flopped on this issue, after the song with Rihanna, I think I understand him a little better and people need to realize that rap doesn’t always have to be about the inner city, being hard, or showing off cars and booty. White trash mo fo’s have problems too, it’s just society is uncomfortable hearing about it. I think I like Eminem now. I think he’s actually pretty talented at capturing that part of life. He’s words are mostly simple but sometimes he has a powerful lyric that moves me to the core. And yes, I realize some of them have been homophobic. Once again, we’ve all made mistakes.
Ok, I’m just rambling at this point…I need to get back to it. I need to quit writing about NOT telling my parents and be able to write one about TELLING them. Every time I’ve seen my Mom since I started transitioning, she’s told me how great I look! And part of me knows that it’s because I FEEL great and that shows. So, when I have my cute little flavor savor, wonder if she’ll say the same thing…I look great because I feel great! haha

P.S. When I spell check this on my word program, it tells me what grade level the particular document is written in...and you guessed it, 7th grade reading level. Wow, I apologize for such basic mundane writing. What can I say, in Arkansas, 7th grade IS the senior year after all. hahahaha