I love the rain. I love the smell of the rain. I love the feel of the rain. Rain is refreshing. Rain washes all the bad away. Rain is the rebirth of all that is possible.
I have been without my laptop for 1 month, a feat I dare any of you to attempt. It is not an easy thing to do, of course I did not do it by choice. My hard drive crapped out. But I am back up and running now...So fair warning, I have a lot to say!
The past few months have been difficult to say the least. No energy, fatigue like I have never felt before, I'm talking so exhausted that it took almost too much energy to lay down in bed. Oh bed..The only place I wanted to be. Our nest. Pains and aches non-stop, bad attitude, and of course, drowning in an ocean of stress. And I am ashamed to say, but my Jack got the brunt end of the deal. After my job, where I carry at least the equivalent of 4 full time jobs, and feeling like ass 24/7, I had nothing to give. Sure I would check in for a few minutes here in there to try to have a conversation with this love of mine, but all I really wanted to do was sleep. Of course that was made next to impossible by the ultimate joy, insomnia. But something happened...
I laid my resignation down on the desk of HR, and with that I came home to my boy. I told him what had happened and what I had done and I began to cry. I was worried about a look of disappointment in his eyes and his voice. Instead, I got a smile and the safety of his arms. He told me disappointment was the farthest thing from his mind, and with that I took a deep breathe and started to feel lighter. I was lighter by the minute. By the hour. I had a few moments of stress freak out last night, but I felt lighter still. And this morning, this Saturday morning, I woke up and found me again. And there next to me... Was my Jack. And then the sun came out.
So to any of you that have the weight of the world on your shoulders because of a job. Stop It! No job or career is worth you. No job or career is worth the joy and loves of your life. I have no clue what I am going to do next, but I can tell you one thing is for sure... The next time I give my heart and soul to a company, it will be doing something I love. My next job will be doing some thing I love!
Thank you for the struggles... Now if you'll excuse me, I am destined for greatness...
Loves,
Rica
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Trans myths and random musings...
Ok, so by the mere definition of 'musing' this blog should be deeply contemplative. Or at least my writing should reflect that. I still am contemplating deeply the things I write, it's just putting the actual words onto the page moment that I'm having trouble with. And this leads me to 'trans myths'. Well, not sure if this is a myth per se but something that some boys have talked about happening to them. Lack of Emotion, or it definitely has decreased within me. I mean, on some level that has been good. I'm not getting road rage as often. I'm not crying at hallmark movies. When my girl is watching them of course! But this has also spilled over into my personal relationships as well. I'm starting to not give a fuck about what people think. My filter is lessening day by day and this is no more apparent that in my relationship. Now with my girl, it's not that I don't care, but it's more like I just don't realize how I say things may be seen as hurtful. Or I'm not thinking about the emotion that my words may instill because I don't or I haven't been feeling them. But i've really been looking at my words and my approach to situation when we have them, so that is good. I'm thinking a bit more before speaking. I'm trying to find them again, I just think my brain works differently now so I need to find those emotions from another area. Truly scientific!
Now on the good side of all this, I was a bit concerned about the whole "roid rage" myth in regards to starting T. And so far it's actually been the opposite for me, I feel more relaxed, controlled. Maybe it's because before, my emotions controlled me so much.
But on the other hand, one thing that has suffered is my writing. I mean, I'm no Steinbeck, Irving, or Shakespeare but I did love to write. I wrote when I was angry, I wrote when I was disgusted, and I wrote when I was sad. But there we go, I was writing during moments of escalated emotion. And apparently, I'm not having those right now. I have so much to say about my transition, this is one reason my girl and I started the blog. To have a written documentation of the process. But I struggle to write about it. I struggle more with explaining things in flowing words and not just short concrete summaries. Oh well, that will just mean you guys get my writings only at random moments...sorry, I know that's not the way to write a good blog. I know I personally lose interest in a blog if the posts are far and few between. Maybe I'll post occasional pictures for you guys just to keep interest.
Ok, back to business....Another myth I've been thinking about, partially thanks to my beautiful girlfriend who just won't drop it! ;) Love ya babe. It is the concept that once a Trans-man starts T, his sexuality will change, i.e. become attracted to other men. Now, I admit, some dudes are good looking, but I think I'm looking at them as though I were them. Like, that guy has a great six pack. In my mind, I would love to have that six pack. Not actually touch his or do any other physical thing with his six pack. Same goes with cock. I don't want that cock to touch me, but I can appreciate a nice one when I see it and wish it were mine! And I occasionally look at gay male porn, but I did that way back before I started T and before I figured out who I was. Gay porn is just more fucking and less storyline. I don't watch porn to see if the pizza guy is actually going to make it into the house to fuck the housewife, I watch it for FUCKING! ha ha TMI???? Anyway, I don't find men sexually attractive. I find fucking like a man sexually arousing. Kind of like watching a cooking show, you're not watching it to oh and ah about the ingredients, you're watching it for the final product! And also, I'll admit this to the freaking net world, I actually find myself "taking notes" Haha One can never study too much can they? So that's what I call it from now on, I'm not masturbating, I'm studying!
Now on the good side of all this, I was a bit concerned about the whole "roid rage" myth in regards to starting T. And so far it's actually been the opposite for me, I feel more relaxed, controlled. Maybe it's because before, my emotions controlled me so much.
But on the other hand, one thing that has suffered is my writing. I mean, I'm no Steinbeck, Irving, or Shakespeare but I did love to write. I wrote when I was angry, I wrote when I was disgusted, and I wrote when I was sad. But there we go, I was writing during moments of escalated emotion. And apparently, I'm not having those right now. I have so much to say about my transition, this is one reason my girl and I started the blog. To have a written documentation of the process. But I struggle to write about it. I struggle more with explaining things in flowing words and not just short concrete summaries. Oh well, that will just mean you guys get my writings only at random moments...sorry, I know that's not the way to write a good blog. I know I personally lose interest in a blog if the posts are far and few between. Maybe I'll post occasional pictures for you guys just to keep interest.
Ok, back to business....Another myth I've been thinking about, partially thanks to my beautiful girlfriend who just won't drop it! ;) Love ya babe. It is the concept that once a Trans-man starts T, his sexuality will change, i.e. become attracted to other men. Now, I admit, some dudes are good looking, but I think I'm looking at them as though I were them. Like, that guy has a great six pack. In my mind, I would love to have that six pack. Not actually touch his or do any other physical thing with his six pack. Same goes with cock. I don't want that cock to touch me, but I can appreciate a nice one when I see it and wish it were mine! And I occasionally look at gay male porn, but I did that way back before I started T and before I figured out who I was. Gay porn is just more fucking and less storyline. I don't watch porn to see if the pizza guy is actually going to make it into the house to fuck the housewife, I watch it for FUCKING! ha ha TMI???? Anyway, I don't find men sexually attractive. I find fucking like a man sexually arousing. Kind of like watching a cooking show, you're not watching it to oh and ah about the ingredients, you're watching it for the final product! And also, I'll admit this to the freaking net world, I actually find myself "taking notes" Haha One can never study too much can they? So that's what I call it from now on, I'm not masturbating, I'm studying!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Feeling Grreat! Just call me Tony!
Ok, well...I really wasn't sure what I was going to write about but as I start some recent events have me reeling with happiness. I had the privilege last night to attend the Transgender Day of Remembrance at our local Equality Center. It was relocated due to our lovely weather. Anyway, I first off was impressed that we even had any type of remembrance locally and also that we have such a nice facility to host it. I have never been to the Center...I haven't ever really been into any type activism other than my occasional myspace blog ranting. But last night, it felt good to be with others who cared about an issue so close to my heart...to my life.
And this leads me to another topic. I haven't really met in real life any other trans men. Well, locally. I know some bois in Arizona.
And I think I've been avoiding it. I felt like it was too early, that I wouldn't be perceived as trans if I couldn't 'pass' Now, I know this is totally silly and neurotic of me, but that is par for the course in my brain! But last night meeting some others like me was totally empowering for me. Not that I've necessarily felt alone, to be honest I don't know how I've felt not having talked with anyone "like me" I just have always been a bit of a loner, go it my own way type of person.
But last night showed me that we have a presence in NWA. I knew we did but this reaffirmed it.
And it was good for my girl to meet another wife. She is so strong for me and supportive but I know she needs to talk with others too. This shit ain't easy!
To wrap up this monologue of ADD-ness I just want to say I feel empowered and validated today. And that makes me feel grreat!
And this leads me to another topic. I haven't really met in real life any other trans men. Well, locally. I know some bois in Arizona.
And I think I've been avoiding it. I felt like it was too early, that I wouldn't be perceived as trans if I couldn't 'pass' Now, I know this is totally silly and neurotic of me, but that is par for the course in my brain! But last night meeting some others like me was totally empowering for me. Not that I've necessarily felt alone, to be honest I don't know how I've felt not having talked with anyone "like me" I just have always been a bit of a loner, go it my own way type of person.
But last night showed me that we have a presence in NWA. I knew we did but this reaffirmed it.
And it was good for my girl to meet another wife. She is so strong for me and supportive but I know she needs to talk with others too. This shit ain't easy!
To wrap up this monologue of ADD-ness I just want to say I feel empowered and validated today. And that makes me feel grreat!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The Gillette Man I am not!
So, I once incorrectly assumed that women have the bulk of day to day grooming but that’s just not true. Now, in my defense, I’m not that naive but I just thought society told women how they were supposed to look and not so much men. Basically, it’s about the difference between how the sexes are viewed in regards to hygiene. As a teenager, when it came time to shave my legs and pits as girls are expected to do, I resisted. I was annoyed that I couldn’t control how I wanted my body to look and that others looked upon certain things with disdain. I found hair pretty damn innocuous at that time in my life, still somewhat do. Possibly it’s because mine’s always been blonde and fine.
Needless to say, I fell to peer-pressure and my mother repeatedly telling me the story of her twin college roommates from Europe who did not shave and how gross it was. A story I grew tired of very quick, especially since my mother is somewhat progressive and open in her thinking. I was annoyed that she openly displayed such closed-mindedness. Though looking back now, I think it was probably just her way of protecting me. Guiding me into what society says I’m supposed to look like. But eventually, I didn’t give a fuck for society nor what my mother thought and quit shaving all together and it was just fine.
So, at this point in my transition I now have hair growing pretty much everywhere…or little ingrown hairs showing me where else my body is trying to pop out these coarse dark hairs, like nothing I’ve had before. It’s kind of cool, yet so foreign to me. But I like it, I like having a happy trail. I like getting scruff on my face. But the problem is I am finding that once again, I need to groom. So far obviously, so new in this journey, I only have to shave my face about every two and a half weeks. I let my facial hair grow until it’s just about obvious that I’m growing a beard and then I shave it off. This is due to the annoying fact that I’m not out everywhere, haven’t made the explanation to lots of acquaintances in my life. So I don’t want to be perceived as “a girl with a beard”, because we all know I’ll end up in some sideshow. Which I have a definite curiosity with the circus in general. Ha, I kid...
So anyway, I shave. I do it with pride and meticulousness. The problem is…I suck. I always miss some part of my face, a few whiskers along my lip, a patch of hair on my cheek. Jesus, who knew shaving your fucking face, was such a pain in the ass process. And if you know me, you know that I hate not being good at something. I am such a natural at so many things, that if it’s something I’m not immediately good at, I don’t do it. Basically you could say I’m a quitter! So last night I decided to just do it twice, razor burn be damned. I shaved my whole face carefully with a precision I don’t reserve for most things. I’m too ADD to be precise. Then I rinsed my face and shaved again, once more with a slow and steady hand. And I was so proud. I knew I had gotten it. I knew I had made my face smooth and baby butt soft. I succeeded. As I got out of the shower with a big grin, I called to my girl to come revel in my excitement with me. As she came into the bathroom, she had to remove her glasses for the steam was fogging them up. She walked up to me with a smile and squinted to look…and I’ll be goddamn if the first thing she did was grin and say…you missed some. This sweet girl who needs glasses to see most anything, especially I would think, my peach fuzz. She laughs when I dispute her findings and says I can see it without my glasses so yes, you missed some. Well, fuck me running….Grizzly Adams, here I come!
Needless to say, I fell to peer-pressure and my mother repeatedly telling me the story of her twin college roommates from Europe who did not shave and how gross it was. A story I grew tired of very quick, especially since my mother is somewhat progressive and open in her thinking. I was annoyed that she openly displayed such closed-mindedness. Though looking back now, I think it was probably just her way of protecting me. Guiding me into what society says I’m supposed to look like. But eventually, I didn’t give a fuck for society nor what my mother thought and quit shaving all together and it was just fine.
So, at this point in my transition I now have hair growing pretty much everywhere…or little ingrown hairs showing me where else my body is trying to pop out these coarse dark hairs, like nothing I’ve had before. It’s kind of cool, yet so foreign to me. But I like it, I like having a happy trail. I like getting scruff on my face. But the problem is I am finding that once again, I need to groom. So far obviously, so new in this journey, I only have to shave my face about every two and a half weeks. I let my facial hair grow until it’s just about obvious that I’m growing a beard and then I shave it off. This is due to the annoying fact that I’m not out everywhere, haven’t made the explanation to lots of acquaintances in my life. So I don’t want to be perceived as “a girl with a beard”, because we all know I’ll end up in some sideshow. Which I have a definite curiosity with the circus in general. Ha, I kid...
So anyway, I shave. I do it with pride and meticulousness. The problem is…I suck. I always miss some part of my face, a few whiskers along my lip, a patch of hair on my cheek. Jesus, who knew shaving your fucking face, was such a pain in the ass process. And if you know me, you know that I hate not being good at something. I am such a natural at so many things, that if it’s something I’m not immediately good at, I don’t do it. Basically you could say I’m a quitter! So last night I decided to just do it twice, razor burn be damned. I shaved my whole face carefully with a precision I don’t reserve for most things. I’m too ADD to be precise. Then I rinsed my face and shaved again, once more with a slow and steady hand. And I was so proud. I knew I had gotten it. I knew I had made my face smooth and baby butt soft. I succeeded. As I got out of the shower with a big grin, I called to my girl to come revel in my excitement with me. As she came into the bathroom, she had to remove her glasses for the steam was fogging them up. She walked up to me with a smile and squinted to look…and I’ll be goddamn if the first thing she did was grin and say…you missed some. This sweet girl who needs glasses to see most anything, especially I would think, my peach fuzz. She laughs when I dispute her findings and says I can see it without my glasses so yes, you missed some. Well, fuck me running….Grizzly Adams, here I come!
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