Christmas...A time of family and love. Giving and receiving. Wine and liquor. Togetherness.
For our family...It is a holiday that reminds us of the love we have. As I sit here, I remember the love I have for our chosen family and friends. It is also a reminder of the separation I feel. Separation of my lover, as he is with his family. Separation of my children, as they live under another roof. Separation makes you count your blessings...So I thought I would share mine.
I am so incredibly thankful for my 3 beautiful children. Today I got to wake up with them on Christmas morning in the same house. I got to tuck them in bed on Christmas Eve and give them hugs and kisses and see the excitement in there eyes, with the anticipation of Santa. I got to hold them in my arms and hum softly the song I sang to them as babies. I got to watch them drift off to sleep. Holding each of them to my heart was my Christmas gift.
I am so incredibly thankful for Jack. My love. My best friend. My strength. He is a gift I gave myself. He gave his heart to me, and I allowed me to hold it. His transition is a blessing to us. To me. Transition is the journey we are taking together on the road to the future. The year ahead holds many blessings. Some in the form of relief. Some in the physical and some in the spiritual. Blessings that I look forward to and welcome wholeheartedly.
The last thing I want to mention is my thankfulness for each and every one of you, our readers. Many of you we know in person and love you more than you know. Some of you I have never met in person, but our kinship on this road has brought us together. I love you all and I am so thankful our paths crossed. Enjoy the holiday and raise a glass to the future...We are all in this together...
Loves,
Rica
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
And then the sun came out...
I love the rain. I love the smell of the rain. I love the feel of the rain. Rain is refreshing. Rain washes all the bad away. Rain is the rebirth of all that is possible.
I have been without my laptop for 1 month, a feat I dare any of you to attempt. It is not an easy thing to do, of course I did not do it by choice. My hard drive crapped out. But I am back up and running now...So fair warning, I have a lot to say!
The past few months have been difficult to say the least. No energy, fatigue like I have never felt before, I'm talking so exhausted that it took almost too much energy to lay down in bed. Oh bed..The only place I wanted to be. Our nest. Pains and aches non-stop, bad attitude, and of course, drowning in an ocean of stress. And I am ashamed to say, but my Jack got the brunt end of the deal. After my job, where I carry at least the equivalent of 4 full time jobs, and feeling like ass 24/7, I had nothing to give. Sure I would check in for a few minutes here in there to try to have a conversation with this love of mine, but all I really wanted to do was sleep. Of course that was made next to impossible by the ultimate joy, insomnia. But something happened...
I laid my resignation down on the desk of HR, and with that I came home to my boy. I told him what had happened and what I had done and I began to cry. I was worried about a look of disappointment in his eyes and his voice. Instead, I got a smile and the safety of his arms. He told me disappointment was the farthest thing from his mind, and with that I took a deep breathe and started to feel lighter. I was lighter by the minute. By the hour. I had a few moments of stress freak out last night, but I felt lighter still. And this morning, this Saturday morning, I woke up and found me again. And there next to me... Was my Jack. And then the sun came out.
So to any of you that have the weight of the world on your shoulders because of a job. Stop It! No job or career is worth you. No job or career is worth the joy and loves of your life. I have no clue what I am going to do next, but I can tell you one thing is for sure... The next time I give my heart and soul to a company, it will be doing something I love. My next job will be doing some thing I love!
Thank you for the struggles... Now if you'll excuse me, I am destined for greatness...
Loves,
Rica
I have been without my laptop for 1 month, a feat I dare any of you to attempt. It is not an easy thing to do, of course I did not do it by choice. My hard drive crapped out. But I am back up and running now...So fair warning, I have a lot to say!
The past few months have been difficult to say the least. No energy, fatigue like I have never felt before, I'm talking so exhausted that it took almost too much energy to lay down in bed. Oh bed..The only place I wanted to be. Our nest. Pains and aches non-stop, bad attitude, and of course, drowning in an ocean of stress. And I am ashamed to say, but my Jack got the brunt end of the deal. After my job, where I carry at least the equivalent of 4 full time jobs, and feeling like ass 24/7, I had nothing to give. Sure I would check in for a few minutes here in there to try to have a conversation with this love of mine, but all I really wanted to do was sleep. Of course that was made next to impossible by the ultimate joy, insomnia. But something happened...
I laid my resignation down on the desk of HR, and with that I came home to my boy. I told him what had happened and what I had done and I began to cry. I was worried about a look of disappointment in his eyes and his voice. Instead, I got a smile and the safety of his arms. He told me disappointment was the farthest thing from his mind, and with that I took a deep breathe and started to feel lighter. I was lighter by the minute. By the hour. I had a few moments of stress freak out last night, but I felt lighter still. And this morning, this Saturday morning, I woke up and found me again. And there next to me... Was my Jack. And then the sun came out.
So to any of you that have the weight of the world on your shoulders because of a job. Stop It! No job or career is worth you. No job or career is worth the joy and loves of your life. I have no clue what I am going to do next, but I can tell you one thing is for sure... The next time I give my heart and soul to a company, it will be doing something I love. My next job will be doing some thing I love!
Thank you for the struggles... Now if you'll excuse me, I am destined for greatness...
Loves,
Rica
Friday, December 4, 2009
Trans myths and random musings...
Ok, so by the mere definition of 'musing' this blog should be deeply contemplative. Or at least my writing should reflect that. I still am contemplating deeply the things I write, it's just putting the actual words onto the page moment that I'm having trouble with. And this leads me to 'trans myths'. Well, not sure if this is a myth per se but something that some boys have talked about happening to them. Lack of Emotion, or it definitely has decreased within me. I mean, on some level that has been good. I'm not getting road rage as often. I'm not crying at hallmark movies. When my girl is watching them of course! But this has also spilled over into my personal relationships as well. I'm starting to not give a fuck about what people think. My filter is lessening day by day and this is no more apparent that in my relationship. Now with my girl, it's not that I don't care, but it's more like I just don't realize how I say things may be seen as hurtful. Or I'm not thinking about the emotion that my words may instill because I don't or I haven't been feeling them. But i've really been looking at my words and my approach to situation when we have them, so that is good. I'm thinking a bit more before speaking. I'm trying to find them again, I just think my brain works differently now so I need to find those emotions from another area. Truly scientific!
Now on the good side of all this, I was a bit concerned about the whole "roid rage" myth in regards to starting T. And so far it's actually been the opposite for me, I feel more relaxed, controlled. Maybe it's because before, my emotions controlled me so much.
But on the other hand, one thing that has suffered is my writing. I mean, I'm no Steinbeck, Irving, or Shakespeare but I did love to write. I wrote when I was angry, I wrote when I was disgusted, and I wrote when I was sad. But there we go, I was writing during moments of escalated emotion. And apparently, I'm not having those right now. I have so much to say about my transition, this is one reason my girl and I started the blog. To have a written documentation of the process. But I struggle to write about it. I struggle more with explaining things in flowing words and not just short concrete summaries. Oh well, that will just mean you guys get my writings only at random moments...sorry, I know that's not the way to write a good blog. I know I personally lose interest in a blog if the posts are far and few between. Maybe I'll post occasional pictures for you guys just to keep interest.
Ok, back to business....Another myth I've been thinking about, partially thanks to my beautiful girlfriend who just won't drop it! ;) Love ya babe. It is the concept that once a Trans-man starts T, his sexuality will change, i.e. become attracted to other men. Now, I admit, some dudes are good looking, but I think I'm looking at them as though I were them. Like, that guy has a great six pack. In my mind, I would love to have that six pack. Not actually touch his or do any other physical thing with his six pack. Same goes with cock. I don't want that cock to touch me, but I can appreciate a nice one when I see it and wish it were mine! And I occasionally look at gay male porn, but I did that way back before I started T and before I figured out who I was. Gay porn is just more fucking and less storyline. I don't watch porn to see if the pizza guy is actually going to make it into the house to fuck the housewife, I watch it for FUCKING! ha ha TMI???? Anyway, I don't find men sexually attractive. I find fucking like a man sexually arousing. Kind of like watching a cooking show, you're not watching it to oh and ah about the ingredients, you're watching it for the final product! And also, I'll admit this to the freaking net world, I actually find myself "taking notes" Haha One can never study too much can they? So that's what I call it from now on, I'm not masturbating, I'm studying!
Now on the good side of all this, I was a bit concerned about the whole "roid rage" myth in regards to starting T. And so far it's actually been the opposite for me, I feel more relaxed, controlled. Maybe it's because before, my emotions controlled me so much.
But on the other hand, one thing that has suffered is my writing. I mean, I'm no Steinbeck, Irving, or Shakespeare but I did love to write. I wrote when I was angry, I wrote when I was disgusted, and I wrote when I was sad. But there we go, I was writing during moments of escalated emotion. And apparently, I'm not having those right now. I have so much to say about my transition, this is one reason my girl and I started the blog. To have a written documentation of the process. But I struggle to write about it. I struggle more with explaining things in flowing words and not just short concrete summaries. Oh well, that will just mean you guys get my writings only at random moments...sorry, I know that's not the way to write a good blog. I know I personally lose interest in a blog if the posts are far and few between. Maybe I'll post occasional pictures for you guys just to keep interest.
Ok, back to business....Another myth I've been thinking about, partially thanks to my beautiful girlfriend who just won't drop it! ;) Love ya babe. It is the concept that once a Trans-man starts T, his sexuality will change, i.e. become attracted to other men. Now, I admit, some dudes are good looking, but I think I'm looking at them as though I were them. Like, that guy has a great six pack. In my mind, I would love to have that six pack. Not actually touch his or do any other physical thing with his six pack. Same goes with cock. I don't want that cock to touch me, but I can appreciate a nice one when I see it and wish it were mine! And I occasionally look at gay male porn, but I did that way back before I started T and before I figured out who I was. Gay porn is just more fucking and less storyline. I don't watch porn to see if the pizza guy is actually going to make it into the house to fuck the housewife, I watch it for FUCKING! ha ha TMI???? Anyway, I don't find men sexually attractive. I find fucking like a man sexually arousing. Kind of like watching a cooking show, you're not watching it to oh and ah about the ingredients, you're watching it for the final product! And also, I'll admit this to the freaking net world, I actually find myself "taking notes" Haha One can never study too much can they? So that's what I call it from now on, I'm not masturbating, I'm studying!
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