Holiday Blessings...

Christmas...A time of family and love. Giving and receiving. Wine and liquor. Togetherness.

For our family...It is a holiday that reminds us of the love we have. As I sit here, I remember the love I have for our chosen family and friends. It is also a reminder of the separation I feel. Separation of my lover, as he is with his family. Separation of my children, as they live under another roof. Separation makes you count your blessings...So I thought I would share mine.

I am so incredibly thankful for my 3 beautiful children. Today I got to wake up with them on Christmas morning in the same house. I got to tuck them in bed on Christmas Eve and give them hugs and kisses and see the excitement in there eyes, with the anticipation of Santa. I got to hold them in my arms and hum softly the song I sang to them as babies. I got to watch them drift off to sleep. Holding each of them to my heart was my Christmas gift.

I am so incredibly thankful for Jack. My love. My best friend. My strength. He is a gift I gave myself. He gave his heart to me, and I allowed me to hold it. His transition is a blessing to us. To me. Transition is the journey we are taking together on the road to the future. The year ahead holds many blessings. Some in the form of relief. Some in the physical and some in the spiritual. Blessings that I look forward to and welcome wholeheartedly.

The last thing I want to mention is my thankfulness for each and every one of you, our readers. Many of you we know in person and love you more than you know. Some of you I have never met in person, but our kinship on this road has brought us together. I love you all and I am so thankful our paths crossed. Enjoy the holiday and raise a glass to the future...We are all in this together...

Loves,
Rica

I do believe the white stripes is pretty awesome driving music!

And then the sun came out...

I love the rain. I love the smell of the rain. I love the feel of the rain. Rain is refreshing. Rain washes all the bad away. Rain is the rebirth of all that is possible.

I have been without my laptop for 1 month, a feat I dare any of you to attempt. It is not an easy thing to do, of course I did not do it by choice. My hard drive crapped out. But I am back up and running now...So fair warning, I have a lot to say!

The past few months have been difficult to say the least. No energy, fatigue like I have never felt before, I'm talking so exhausted that it took almost too much energy to lay down in bed. Oh bed..The only place I wanted to be. Our nest. Pains and aches non-stop, bad attitude, and of course, drowning in an ocean of stress. And I am ashamed to say, but my Jack got the brunt end of the deal. After my job, where I carry at least the equivalent of 4 full time jobs, and feeling like ass 24/7, I had nothing to give. Sure I would check in for a few minutes here in there to try to have a conversation with this love of mine, but all I really wanted to do was sleep. Of course that was made next to impossible by the ultimate joy, insomnia. But something happened...

I laid my resignation down on the desk of HR, and with that I came home to my boy. I told him what had happened and what I had done and I began to cry. I was worried about a look of disappointment in his eyes and his voice. Instead, I got a smile and the safety of his arms. He told me disappointment was the farthest thing from his mind, and with that I took a deep breathe and started to feel lighter. I was lighter by the minute. By the hour. I had a few moments of stress freak out last night, but I felt lighter still. And this morning, this Saturday morning, I woke up and found me again. And there next to me... Was my Jack. And then the sun came out.

So to any of you that have the weight of the world on your shoulders because of a job. Stop It! No job or career is worth you. No job or career is worth the joy and loves of your life. I have no clue what I am going to do next, but I can tell you one thing is for sure... The next time I give my heart and soul to a company, it will be doing something I love. My next job will be doing some thing I love!

Thank you for the struggles... Now if you'll excuse me, I am destined for greatness...

Loves,
Rica

Trans myths and random musings...

Ok, so by the mere definition of 'musing' this blog should be deeply contemplative. Or at least my writing should reflect that. I still am contemplating deeply the things I write, it's just putting the actual words onto the page moment that I'm having trouble with. And this leads me to 'trans myths'. Well, not sure if this is a myth per se but something that some boys have talked about happening to them. Lack of Emotion, or it definitely has decreased within me. I mean, on some level that has been good. I'm not getting road rage as often. I'm not crying at hallmark movies. When my girl is watching them of course! But this has also spilled over into my personal relationships as well. I'm starting to not give a fuck about what people think. My filter is lessening day by day and this is no more apparent that in my relationship. Now with my girl, it's not that I don't care, but it's more like I just don't realize how I say things may be seen as hurtful. Or I'm not thinking about the emotion that my words may instill because I don't or I haven't been feeling them. But i've really been looking at my words and my approach to situation when we have them, so that is good. I'm thinking a bit more before speaking. I'm trying to find them again, I just think my brain works differently now so I need to find those emotions from another area. Truly scientific!
Now on the good side of all this, I was a bit concerned about the whole "roid rage" myth in regards to starting T. And so far it's actually been the opposite for me, I feel more relaxed, controlled. Maybe it's because before, my emotions controlled me so much.
But on the other hand, one thing that has suffered is my writing. I mean, I'm no Steinbeck, Irving, or Shakespeare but I did love to write. I wrote when I was angry, I wrote when I was disgusted, and I wrote when I was sad. But there we go, I was writing during moments of escalated emotion. And apparently, I'm not having those right now. I have so much to say about my transition, this is one reason my girl and I started the blog. To have a written documentation of the process. But I struggle to write about it. I struggle more with explaining things in flowing words and not just short concrete summaries. Oh well, that will just mean you guys get my writings only at random moments...sorry, I know that's not the way to write a good blog. I know I personally lose interest in a blog if the posts are far and few between. Maybe I'll post occasional pictures for you guys just to keep interest.
Ok, back to business....Another myth I've been thinking about, partially thanks to my beautiful girlfriend who just won't drop it! ;) Love ya babe. It is the concept that once a Trans-man starts T, his sexuality will change, i.e. become attracted to other men. Now, I admit, some dudes are good looking, but I think I'm looking at them as though I were them. Like, that guy has a great six pack. In my mind, I would love to have that six pack. Not actually touch his or do any other physical thing with his six pack. Same goes with cock. I don't want that cock to touch me, but I can appreciate a nice one when I see it and wish it were mine! And I occasionally look at gay male porn, but I did that way back before I started T and before I figured out who I was. Gay porn is just more fucking and less storyline. I don't watch porn to see if the pizza guy is actually going to make it into the house to fuck the housewife, I watch it for FUCKING! ha ha TMI???? Anyway, I don't find men sexually attractive. I find fucking like a man sexually arousing. Kind of like watching a cooking show, you're not watching it to oh and ah about the ingredients, you're watching it for the final product! And also, I'll admit this to the freaking net world, I actually find myself "taking notes" Haha One can never study too much can they? So that's what I call it from now on, I'm not masturbating, I'm studying!

Feeling Grreat! Just call me Tony!

Ok, well...I really wasn't sure what I was going to write about but as I start some recent events have me reeling with happiness. I had the privilege last night to attend the Transgender Day of Remembrance at our local Equality Center. It was relocated due to our lovely weather. Anyway, I first off was impressed that we even had any type of remembrance locally and also that we have such a nice facility to host it. I have never been to the Center...I haven't ever really been into any type activism other than my occasional myspace blog ranting. But last night, it felt good to be with others who cared about an issue so close to my heart...to my life.
And this leads me to another topic. I haven't really met in real life any other trans men. Well, locally. I know some bois in Arizona.
And I think I've been avoiding it. I felt like it was too early, that I wouldn't be perceived as trans if I couldn't 'pass' Now, I know this is totally silly and neurotic of me, but that is par for the course in my brain! But last night meeting some others like me was totally empowering for me. Not that I've necessarily felt alone, to be honest I don't know how I've felt not having talked with anyone "like me" I just have always been a bit of a loner, go it my own way type of person.
But last night showed me that we have a presence in NWA. I knew we did but this reaffirmed it.
And it was good for my girl to meet another wife. She is so strong for me and supportive but I know she needs to talk with others too. This shit ain't easy!
To wrap up this monologue of ADD-ness I just want to say I feel empowered and validated today. And that makes me feel grreat!

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Yosemite

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For the girls!

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Test. Seeing if ill be able to post from the road.

The Gillette Man I am not!

So, I once incorrectly assumed that women have the bulk of day to day grooming but that’s just not true. Now, in my defense, I’m not that naive but I just thought society told women how they were supposed to look and not so much men. Basically, it’s about the difference between how the sexes are viewed in regards to hygiene. As a teenager, when it came time to shave my legs and pits as girls are expected to do, I resisted. I was annoyed that I couldn’t control how I wanted my body to look and that others looked upon certain things with disdain. I found hair pretty damn innocuous at that time in my life, still somewhat do. Possibly it’s because mine’s always been blonde and fine.
Needless to say, I fell to peer-pressure and my mother repeatedly telling me the story of her twin college roommates from Europe who did not shave and how gross it was. A story I grew tired of very quick, especially since my mother is somewhat progressive and open in her thinking. I was annoyed that she openly displayed such closed-mindedness. Though looking back now, I think it was probably just her way of protecting me. Guiding me into what society says I’m supposed to look like. But eventually, I didn’t give a fuck for society nor what my mother thought and quit shaving all together and it was just fine.
So, at this point in my transition I now have hair growing pretty much everywhere…or little ingrown hairs showing me where else my body is trying to pop out these coarse dark hairs, like nothing I’ve had before. It’s kind of cool, yet so foreign to me. But I like it, I like having a happy trail. I like getting scruff on my face. But the problem is I am finding that once again, I need to groom. So far obviously, so new in this journey, I only have to shave my face about every two and a half weeks. I let my facial hair grow until it’s just about obvious that I’m growing a beard and then I shave it off. This is due to the annoying fact that I’m not out everywhere, haven’t made the explanation to lots of acquaintances in my life. So I don’t want to be perceived as “a girl with a beard”, because we all know I’ll end up in some sideshow. Which I have a definite curiosity with the circus in general. Ha, I kid...
So anyway, I shave. I do it with pride and meticulousness. The problem is…I suck. I always miss some part of my face, a few whiskers along my lip, a patch of hair on my cheek. Jesus, who knew shaving your fucking face, was such a pain in the ass process. And if you know me, you know that I hate not being good at something. I am such a natural at so many things, that if it’s something I’m not immediately good at, I don’t do it. Basically you could say I’m a quitter! So last night I decided to just do it twice, razor burn be damned. I shaved my whole face carefully with a precision I don’t reserve for most things. I’m too ADD to be precise. Then I rinsed my face and shaved again, once more with a slow and steady hand. And I was so proud. I knew I had gotten it. I knew I had made my face smooth and baby butt soft. I succeeded. As I got out of the shower with a big grin, I called to my girl to come revel in my excitement with me. As she came into the bathroom, she had to remove her glasses for the steam was fogging them up. She walked up to me with a smile and squinted to look…and I’ll be goddamn if the first thing she did was grin and say…you missed some. This sweet girl who needs glasses to see most anything, especially I would think, my peach fuzz. She laughs when I dispute her findings and says I can see it without my glasses so yes, you missed some. Well, fuck me running….Grizzly Adams, here I come!

How about some positivity????

Ok, I just reread my posts on this site and realize they are mostly written about my fears and short comings about being a dude. So I wanted to write a blog about how my experience so far has been good with my T regimen.
The first thing I notice is how great I feel physically. T makes my body feel like it is supposed to. I’ve always felt like I was a weakling of some sort and T has increased my strength and stamina. I can only assume that the reason I’ve felt weak is because I couldn’t do some things guys do physically. I realize I will always have the “short-man syndrome” but now my body seems to match my mind and that feels damn good. And even though I think I’ve become less emotional and sympathetic, my brain synapses seem to finally fire properly. All my life, I’ve felt that my brain hasn’t fired correctly, that maybe I needed ADHD or ADD medicine and now for the first time in my life I feel like I can focus when I really need or want to. But I do think my writing has suffered a bit, not that I was worthy of a Pulitzer but I felt that my musings were at least entertaining for the reader…course I’ve been called self-centered and cocky too.
I also love this new found sexuality! I have always felt that I was a sexual being but as I’ve gotten older, that has lessened a bit and I became worried that I would eventually lose the yearning for a favorite pastime. But now, I am ready and willing at a moments notice. And my girl and I are having great fun with that. One thing I will interject here is that I am one lucky boi in the girlfriend department. She is so supportive and wonderful, she’s never treated me once “like a girl” and one place that is evident is in the bedroom. It’s incredible to find someone who does as much or more research on my journey. Who is as knowledgeable and finds out when she doesn’t know. Someone who stands up and fights even if I don’t feel like it, she’s a tiger I tell ya!
And to top off the wonders of being a boi, I can’t wait till I can sport facial hair. I have a bit of “peach fuzz” right now that you can see if I’m in very bright light and you stand 2” from my face…but I know it will grow in and be awesomely handsome! My body is changing as well, by leaps and bounds. My neck and shoulders are broadening. My hips are shrinking (wonder if this is why my hip joints have been hurting a bit?) My thighs and butt are muscling up. I now feel like I have a sexy body, even if my six-pack isn’t quite there. These damn bumps on my chest…boobs, I want them gone. I love to kiss them and caress them, just not on me!!!!
All in all, when I am bound (annoying necessity for now) and have my packer in, and I haven’t shaved the peach fuzz off, I feel like me…throw on some 501’s and a T-shirt and my Chucks and you have Jack, the boi. I feel confidant, handsome, and ready to take on the world…most days.
So there you have it, the basic things that I love about being me. There is so much else though, but those concepts are hard for me to put into words. It’s hard to pin down with just sentences. Some of the feelings I have yet to grasp myself. Jack is a work in progress, a piece of stone with the statue inside, and I just have to carve it out.

For the love of a boi...

I find myself looking at this boi before me and not wanting to let him out of my sight. It is not for a jealous reason. I just want to bask in everything that is him. When I am next to him, I feel the warmth in my heart. I feel his heart. And most of the time, his heart feels me.

We are advancing on our journey together. J's transition is evermore apparent. Not just in the physical, but also in the mind. He is him. He is the boi that he always knew he was. We are coming to a crossroads now, however. As J has mentioned, his family knows nothing. His brother, who lives with us, knows that J is trans (after his bday party last year, when after a few beers J blurted it out, and then walked away for me to explain.) I thought that I had explained the best I could (pre-transition), but brother had been drinking too, so perhaps that convo never happened.

So what we have now is the present and the future. Bottom line is that, I am the cheerleader and the biggest supporter of J, but its getting time to buck up and tell the fam. The physical changes can no longer be hidden. J will not have chest surgery until the mom knows! (That's my only stipulation on surgery.) Mom can not continue to ask 5 times everytime he and her talk, if he has a cold or what is wrong with his voice. The time has come. Now, if only J was ready!

A few weekends ago, J's mom came up for the weekend. I had the flu, but managed to get out of bed for an hour to have a great convo with the momma! The 3 of us were sitting in the living room, fire going in the fireplace, and momma and I began to talk. We can relate on 2 different levels, we are both moms and we are both nurses. We began to talk about our children, as J sat there and listened. I would glance over occasionally at him with a look of "Tell her now, I just opened another door!" But no go. But momma and I continued. Her bottom line, as was mine, is that we only want our children to be happy in this life. Be who they are and just be happy.

Now I ask you...Does that sound like a scarey momma to you? I think not! LOL

If only J knew how strong he was...If only he could see what I see... This really is a hard subject. J is nervous about telling the fam. I totally understand! So I will continue to give him all the love and support I can. I will also be his cheerleader, right up to the moment the words burst out of his mouth..."Mom, I'm J!"

Loves.

Damn, I have to piss again?????

This weekend R and I traveled to the big sexy state of Tejas for a friends wedding reception. And the happy couple know all about my journey so I went as a boi, as me. This is my first time traveling somewhere as myself, J the boi, the little scrapper himself! So yet another quandary presented itself...gas station bathrooms. Wow, who knew taking a piss was so fucking complicated and scary! Who knew that I would hold it till my bladder pulsed with spasming pain! Who knew you could get a bladder infection over the weekend! I sweated it because I couldn't use the women's because I was packing and binding. Which in the past when I've been confronted for using the women's bathrooms, I just flashed my chest and all was good. But I don't want to do that anymore, ugh, I want those gone but that's another post. But walking into the men's restroom seemed so scary. I didn't want to make one wrong move. I know the basics. One of my bestest buds has been talking me through it. And even over the weekend, the groom and the bride's brother were giving me pointers and tips and even some of their fears and hang-ups. Which was totally cute!
Ah, see...I called something cute. I'm going to interject with a funny story from the weekend. I was hanging with the Groom and we were chatting about something and this part is a bit fuzzy, but for some reason I reached out to hug him, and he was a tiny bit awkward but not completely. He then whispered to me that guys don't hug. Hahaha Shit...fuck....wow, the smallest details that I am so oblivious to. He is one of the sweetest dudes I know but also quite manly so I take his advice very serious.
Damn this female socialization. And those of you who know me, know that I'm not really that touchy-feely unless I REALLY know and like you! I just think I'm so caught up in the mechanics of being male that it's creating an uptight mother fucker! I'm stressed more now when I'm in public as a trans-male than I ever was as a freak, dyke, queer, bad ass mother fucking female. Whatever moniker I was feeling at the moment.
But, I know what part of the solution is.....coming out to my family and work. Ugh.....I know that once I do that and my closest allies are in the know and support me, that all else can suck it!!! But, once again that has proven to be one of the hardest things I've ever thought about doing.
Ok, so back to the bathroom issue. I got away with not using a public bathroom on the way down. But on the way home, I couldn't wait. It could have been the 3 sodas I drank at lunch...drinking them because I was sweating using the bathroom at the restaurant. So anyway, I avoided it until I found a tiny raunchy little station somewhere in Oklahoma. As I was headed to the john, this skeezy dude walked in. And the thought of being in the same room with him doing anything not to mention pissing turned my stomach so I lingered much like a nervous pedophile outside the bathrooms, looking at the vast array of crappy sodas this place had to offer. And he came out very quickly, so I took my chance...and Thank the freaking lord, the urinal was broken so I HAD to go to a stall....wow, I couldn't have made it any better. So I take out my STP, focusing on not looking too unnatural in the way I have to hold everything so I don't piss on myself and I did it. I peed in a men's restroom in a shit-hole gas station in Oklahoma. I even dropped a few drops of piss ON THE SEAT!!!!!! Which, I did not clean up cause guys don't do that!!

J

You Give Me Fever...

One of the things that Jack and I have always been guilty of is an amazing sex life. Those of you that know us, know this to be true. We have, from day 1, shared this fire between us. This animal passion that can not be denied. Trust me, we tried!



One of the things that we have done is taken our passion with one another and equally our passion for writing that we both have and combined them. What occurred was several hot and steamy stories. Our writing together is another thing in our relationship that we are able to do together. Common ground if you will. Why, you ask, am I blogging about this? Well, because Jack has sent me another message about a fantasy and it triggered me to share.



Fantasy is something as a couple we all can do. It costs nothing, and there are no limits. But oh the outcome. Even if you do not act, the story will stay with you. That is the fun of it. When Jack writes to me, even if it is just a little text message, I turn into this Hot and Sexy Vixon, if only in my mind. So go find your inner "Betty" girls and have some fun with your boi! Throw on that garter belt and those Fab stilettos that make you feel oh so right, and let go!

Loves.

"I Love You... Now Go Away... But Not Too Far!

Sometimes he drives me insane! Sometimes he drives me IN-sane! Ya know what I mean? Moods come and go. Hell I will be the first to admit that I have "moods"! But T is different. It makes for unfair disagreements! (That's my opinion anyway!) Jack can get mad about something and have time to lecture about it and then BAM! He is over it and on to the next thing...Or trying to get on me. I mean, I don't even have time to come up with something witty and dagger like before the disagreement is over in Jacks' world. I am left yearning. Yearning for that eye to eye combat. That argument that other couples get to have..Not to mention the make-up! But does a girl get that...Well hell no! Not when T is involved! Not don't get me wrong... I'm not asking for a week long bitch fest..I would be satisfied with a 20 minutes argument and a 4 hour make-up session :)!

In Jack's defense...He isn't much on confrontation, and that is one thing I love about him. He is my Peaceful Lover. My Protective Oak Tree. My Arms of Steel (and no I'm not talking about your gun show daddy, so put your arms down! LOL) He is my safety and for that I love him. Guess you can't have everything in this world right? Seriously, for those of you that want to know, when an argument insues and T is involved..You will never win. Time runs out too quick! Its like a 50 yard sprint (boys) as opposed to a half marathon (girls). Does that make any sense? Anyway..Just a quick lil something...

Loves...Rica

We shall just name him.....fuck.

Ok, a warning...this blog is going to be whiny and rant-ish....so if you are in a good mood and can't deal with my rare negativity, better log off. If you're still reading, thanks for listening. :)
Well, for starters my hair is falling out. I knew this going in but I had the concept of "it won't happen to me" Yeah, it is. So fuckity fuck. And I am growing hair EVERYWHERE and where it's not growing, I am having acne/ingrown hairs that are bugging the fuck out of me. The funny thing the new hair is dark...I have blond hair....so whatever. And if I hear one more time..."Do you have a cold?" I will punch a mother fucker. You know, I don't feel like screaming "I am transgender, becoming a boi, from being born a girl!!!!" I mean, one gets tired of talking about it. I just want to change and be me, and not have to answer to anyone else, explain anything. Just leave me alone.
By the way, for those familiar with FtM hormone therapy and all that it entails....I know all these things above would happen, I'm just trying to deal with them so please don't lecture me on the process of taking T. I just want to bitch ok?
Also....with the increased libido and size of an unmentionable comes along a de-sensitivity to stimulation. Ugh, now days I call masturbation "jack-hammering" Haha, get it? "Jack" hammering.....So that's been a bit frustrating for my girl.....but she's so sweet and patient, we'll get there and I will grow into my new "junk" It will just take some getting used to.
And for my grand finale of this blog: I HAVEN'T TOLD MY BROTHER (who lives with me) OR MY PARENTS! Ugh, and I don't think I can. My mom has already mentioned my voice and I just avoided the situation. And my brother keeps making girl jokes and shit even though i told him last year about my trans status. But I haven't told him about my hormones yet.
I mean, I am 37 years old....and I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TELL THEM!
fuck fuck and fuckity fuck
Later,
J

Let's talk about fear baby.....lets talk about it and me...

Well, this one will be short. I'm scared. Starting with my fear now in getting my shot to just the over all fear of being able to live up to who I want to be. My poor R and her skills are being tested. I'm making her feel bad because I've been a bit neurotic about getting my shot. My heart starts racing when it's time. I used to get excited when it was shot day but right now I'm starting to get nervous when my girl is about to stick me. Now, it could be because I know deep down that I need to learn how to do it myself and each time she does it, it's closer to the day I shall stick myself. And right now that's too much. I need my girl to do it, to stick me, to help me through this one more time. And that is an unfair burden I am putting on her right now.

As for my other fear, maybe because I haven't told my parents yet or perhaps because the changes happen gradually but I have yet to stand proud and say I am male. I am becoming male. I am becoming me. For now I feel like I live in the shadows. I only tell people who either can handle it or I don't care about offending. And I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my "community" and to myself. I still am not passing and to be flat out honest, I'm not doing that much to help with that. I only bind when I go out for social events. Course that could be because it's a pain in the ass and for now, my chest isn't seen as a freak of nature. It looks like it should be there even though it shouldn't and I don't want it there.

Ok, I need to get back to work...maybe I'll elaborate some more on this subject. I need to center myself and get my shit together or I may sink into a depression...and I'm not like that...for the most part I am happy, giddy, and upbeat.....I cannot lose that part of me...nor will I.

Later..............
J

When "We" becomes "I"...And back again...

There are so many emotions that pour out when changes are made. As an educated individual, you do your homework, and think you are prepared for the future ahead. J and I did just that. We researched endlessly on all things transition. We would share articles with one another, and discuss the subject often. We felt we were completely prepared. I don't like to admit I am wrong, but man was I wrong.

I knew and J knew, through our research, that T can effect the way you behave. The way you act. The way you react. We were both prepared for whatever came our way. Speaking from a partners point of view, I have to be honest and tell you that I was naive. I was prepared for J's changes. I was not prepared for MY changes. At some point, I forgot to research that. Honestly, there is very little, if any, research out there for a partner of FTM.

I recall a conversation J and I had one evening. Pillow talk if you will. J promised that if at any point T became an issue in our relationship, he would stop it immediately. He would not sacrifice our relationship for transition. I loved him for his selflessness in that moment. But I also knew that I would never pull that card out. Though he had given me permission, I could not ask that of him. Essentially, I would be asking him to stop who he is, for me.

As I said before, T has effects. The things that happened in J's head, are things I never in a million years would have thought could happen. We were in this together. We were in love. We were walking this road and on this journey together. We. Him. Me. We.

There is that moment in time you try to pinpoint. That moment when it all changes. The moment when "I" slipped in. That moment when "I" moved "WE" over. I. I. I. "I" had overtaken "WE". T makes our boi's almighty. Untouchable. Hot. Confident. Did I mention Hot? It brings out this sexy confidence as they come into there own. J was coming into his own. I didn't notice it at first, this new way about him. Sure I noticed his increasing "mirror checks", and posing. But I didn't notice that days had passed since we had actually talked. Like really talked. I failed to notice right away, that when we did talk, it was all about "I". I didn't know that he needed validation from others, that he needed his ego stroked by others. When I did realize it, I thought it was to late. I wanted to go back and pull the card that he had given me permission to pull. That "STOP THE "T" card! I wanted "WE" back. I hated this "I" that had come into the picture. I blamed him. I blamed the T. I blamed everything and everyone, but me.

As a Partner of FTM, you take on the role of cheerleader. You are there to smile at the physical changes, and smile even bigger when people notice those changes. Sometimes, as I have done, you forget you are this boi's LIFE partner. You are not the partner of ftm. You are just partner. Best friend. Lover. And you forget that you are to have a cheerleader in this life as well. You forget that it is ok to voice your opinion. You forget to tell this boi when he is being an ass. A Jack-ass! Ha!

Seriously, "I" moved "WE" over the moment I myself let it happen. I faded to the background so this star could shine. I forgot that I am a star that deserves to shine too.

"I" still appears in our relationship. "I" always will. But "WE" are in this together. WE are back again. We love one another. We love I. We accept I. But We comes before I now...

Loves.

Is That a Frog in Your Throat? Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Testosterone, T, the big beef injection, wait, not really, I made that last one up…it is NOT slang for T as far as I know, I ‘m just attempting to be funny. Anyway, my recent decision is an odd choice for someone who grew up hating injections of any form…I dreaded needles. I would have rather taken 18 pills a day standing on my head rather than take one simple little pin prick. So, when my pretty girl drove up that one day with this big grin on her face, I knew something life changing was up. I was out working with my crew and up drove R…she said she had a surprise. Said I had to leave and head to the doctor, she had found an endocrinologist who would take a Trans patient, in fact, he had a couple already! Woo Hoo; I wouldn’t be a guinea pig! Now before some of you think “Why is she finding your docs for you” Well, I am absolutely horrible at talking to people on the phone, especially when it comes to anything health related. I HATE cold calling doctors. Ugh. So, she did my homework for me (I always did get the pretty ones to help me out in school!) And found a guy willing to see me and could see me that day because they had a cancellation.

So, we show up at the doctor’s office, it was drab, sparse, and empty. I will admit that I was a bit nervous at the lack of patients. I mean, I have spent more time as of late in doctors’ offices due to other unrelated bullshit, and the offices were NEVER sparse, which sucks for my personal space issues and general disdain of human contact with strangers. But I know that I’ve wanted this, needed this to happen for a long time. I at least need to talk with a doctor about testosterone.

About 3 weeks prior, I had spoken with a therapist, to see if I was indeed Trans. I know that sounds strange but I needed validation of my feelings, of my yearnings, of a void I seem to have in life. You know, just like being gay, one doesn’t choose these roads to travel. I knew this voyage was going to be tough so I needed to make sure I was making the right decision. I guess I was secretly hoping that she had another reason for my feelings, something easier, less filled with complications. The funny thing is, she said I seemed the most sane of any trans folk she’s ever met with and that she didn’t feel I exactly needed therapy but if I just needed someone to talk to and to write the official letters needed, that was ok. Um, yeah….you are $100/hr, this blog is free! Ha-ha (disclaimer-she made a point to say she wasn’t criticizing any past patients, just letting me know that I’m not exactly therapy material.) Also, quick side note, though not as practiced anymore, some docs adhere to the Harry Benjamin standards of care for GID and require therapy for a certain amount of time before administering hormones. My Doc was glad I went to a therapist but he didn’t seem to require it.

So, with that being said, I realized I needed to just embark on my journey. Though the fear I felt and still feel is sometimes overwhelming. I fear rejection, I fear hurt, I fear physical altercation, but mostly, I fear not being able to live up to the societal concept of what a man is…and because I do not feel like a woman, that is my only other option. I notice that I still play the girl card when it suits me, when I can get away with it, or when I feel it’s going to make things easier. And that has created some shame in me…that I am putting this stuff in my body to become who I really am, but because I’m a fucking chicken, I can’t stand up and be the man I am creating.

Jesus, getting a bit somber here aren’t I? Blah fuck all that whiny shit….that is one thing that T has been doing, it’s seems to make my emotions a bit less surface, I’m able to suppress them better. Not that that’s a good thing of course but sometimes it’s easier than actually dealing with them.

Ok, let’s go ahead and talk about what testosterone has done for me so far….first off, it has desensitized me to needles. Ha, I mean, it should…I take a shot every two weeks in the ass. My girl does it for me, that’s one perk of living with a nurse. She told me the other day that she would teach me to do it but I’m not there yet…the thought of poking myself with a needle makes my stomach churn.

But all the clinical aspects aside, T makes me feel incredible. I finally feel like my synapses are firing properly, like my chemical make-up is finally complete. I remember my first shot, we had to go somewhere and about 30 minutes after my shot…I almost felt high. Not like the altered state sort of high but the “I really feel fucking great” type of high. It really is hard to describe but my body felt physically better. I remember I had to work that next Monday by myself, I didn’t have a crew for some reason…and I felt so powerful that day. Every hose spigot was so easy to turn on. (Um, not that I’m a puss but our hose spigots are the industrial kind that require a key and can be hard to turn sometimes, just sayin’) The bundles of weeds and debris I carried felt so light. Now, I realize that some of this could be mental. I could be telling myself that I SHOULD be more powerful since I’m a dude…who knows, but I’ll take it.

The next thing that I noticed RIGHT away is an increase in libido. My yearning for sex and all things sex related. This new thing has been fun for R and me. And she has a high libido but even she has gotten a bit overwhelmed. I couldn’t get enough. I yearned for it; it was a complete and utter distraction from work, from home chores, practically from life itself. Now being 37 years old, I know I shouldn’t be sitting in a meeting thinking about how my girl and I are going to have sex the minute I get home, but I was. And I think the annoyance of that was more distracting than the need for sex itself. Luckily my girl has been ever so gracious to oblige my needs and desires without much resistance. Thank you baby for being a teenager with me! Anyway, now it’s been about 3 months or so, I can now put the horniness aside and resume normal life. Though the most awesome thing is I still get a boner from the most mundane things and can be ready and more than willing at a moments notice. I think I’ve got “him” under control, my budding cock that is…such a little whippersnapper he is! Speaking of my “little whippersnapper” I have something else happening…I am growing, enlarging, swelling, what ever sexy perverted term you readers would prefer, my girl parts are turning into boy parts! Now before you bulge your eyes and text me for a pic, it’s not THAT drastic but I am getting some growth in a very nice area! I couldn’t believe the first time I noticed…and now I can’t’ seem to keep my hands off of it! Ha-ha

Ok, I think these are enough words for now. I have so much to say and for some reason, my brain hasn’t been very willing to cooperate in the literary department, course….I probably would excel at writing porn at this time…c’est la vie!

Later,

J

Who is this teenage boi in my bed?

You sometimes forget being a teenager. I mean, you don't forget the things that you did as a teen, but you forget the feelings that come with adolescence. HORMONES and PUBERTY!

As I said, J found the teen boy libido at about hour 3 of T. Now don't get me wrong, I was not complaining. Our intimacy has never been an issue, and I always craved more. More of this boi. More of this connection. Just more. I must say, I have a very high libido. Always have. For that first weekend it was like being on vacation. We made love and we occasionally stopped for food. And then the work week began...And the intimacy continued..This went on for weeks...

As I said, I was not complaining... It was beautiful to see this boi coming in to his own. He was turning into this being that just poured this sexy confidence. There were physical changes that made almost every day feel like Christmas morning!

I remember the night that J called me from the bathroom. He had just showered. I went in and J is standing in the shower with a towel up against him. "Does this look different to you?" I peered down at J's crotch and there staring back at me was this beautiful budding cock. I can only imagine the smile that came across my face. We did not need words at that moment. Our faces said it all. OH YEAH! This was about 1 week after J's first "T" injection. And this girl could not be happier!

Other physical changes that I noticed within those first 3 weeks included the squaring up of his jaw and this peach fuzz above his upper lip. And of course, the constant clearing of his throat. And a squeak in his voice at any given moment. But these were all changes we knew to expect. We had poured over what research we could find for some time before J made this choice. And we are in this together. And I came to accept and love the fact that my 37 year old lover had officially hit puberty full force... And I now lived with a 15 year old teenage boy...

And the transition begins...

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you, sometimes when you least expect it. Through endless searches, I have found that the support for anything trans falls upon the trans community itself. In lifes trials, you often search for the front runners for guidance, only we are the front runners. This new generation that has chosen to be true to themselves and the loves in their lives.

J started "T" (testosterone) hormone therapy roughly 3 months ago. It was a Friday evening, and we both stood over this little bottle laying on the bed. His hopes and dreams, and mine, were layed out right in front of us. This is it. Its time to hold on to one another, now more than ever, and take this plunge. We looked at each other and kissed. After a couple pictures to mark our journey, I grabbed the bottle and began the process of drawing up our new life in this syringe. J bent over, and with a simple stick, I aided in giving him our new and profound life. We hugged. I spent the next 20 minutes staring at this boi that I love so much, and his smile that could put any sun to shame. He was beaming. I was too. "How do you feel?" I kept asking. "Great" he would say. This went on all night. 3 hours after that first dose of newness, J found his teenage boy libido...