Dreams, Nightmares, and subconcious reality.

So, last night I had the first real nightmare towards my transitioning. The setting took place in Austin Texas at a Drag competition. Funny since the first type of national Drag King event I ever attended was in Austin. And that is where I decided that I am not a Drag King but a transman. I loved dressing like a guy, but not for entertainment, more for my comfort level and happiness. For some reason, though I entertained the notion of being a guy, it never really dawned on me completely that I could be transgendered. I mean, I even knew about the concept so it wasn't like I was unaware. Funny thing how minor events can change your whole life.
Anyway, back to the dream. My friends and I had been partying and were heading to the Drag King competition which was jam packed with people. On the way we stopped off at a bar and I had to go to the bathroom. For some reason the bathrooms were packed and I was having anxiety about using the men's room but I had to because, well...I'm a guy. But there is still that apprehension in real life but in my dream it was exaggerated. So, I decided I would sit in a stall and pretend I was dropping a deuce. (Gotta love "guy speak") But when I sat down, I was immediately confronted by a dude that recognized me from my home town and he was like "you're a girl, why are you in here" And it wasn't anyone I know from my real life but in my dream, apparently I knew him. He was this snippy gay guy who was acting like I was infringing on their "space" Anyway, at this point I did actually use the bathroom and needed to wipe but he wouldn't stop staring and was really invading my privacy. (the stall walls were about chest level) But I was with a bunch of girls so no one could come help me with this issue. I don't remember anymore of the dream beyond that but it's very telling about where my head is at this point.
I'm passing probably 90% of the time now, when I'm not at work. I've started using cash when I pay for stuff so people don't see my legal name on any cards. But I am still having that apprehension when it comes to the bathroom. It's seems to be one of my major hangups right now. Luckily my job has several un-gendered bathrooms so I've starting using those 100% of the time.
Argh, I know exactly what's holding me up and causing these anxieties....not the issues themselves but the fact that I STILL haven't told my parents. And if you keep up with this blog, you see that's a running theme. Jesus Christ already, get the balls that I know I have and fucking tell them. I mean, I cannot go any further with this until I do. I can't just randomly get my chest surgically altered without their knowledge and I can't really change any official documents until they know due to the simple fact of legalities and in the event of a tragedy. That would be a shitty way to spring this on them, "Hi, we are calling you in regards to Jack *&%$#. He was injured in an auto accident and you all are his next of kin."
Ugh...
On a lighter note. Pumping does work, let me just say....I do believe I am blessed and I knew my brain always told me I had a big ole' schlong. ;)

Its really f@&king annoying when its payday and you cant afford a 12pk of pbr.

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Perfect ozark day! Im in love with spring!

52.. Give or Take a Couple...

So April 7th marked our 2 year commitment to one another. Thinking back on all that we have done in that 2 years has been fun, enjoyable and all around interesting. What I remember the most of that 2 years is our constant to one another. Through good times and not so good times, we have managed to still wake up by one another side. It has been said that couples should never go to bed angry. I can't say that this has been completely true for us, but we work at coming to a truce or compromise to remedy any given situation. Its called teamwork, and that is what Jack and I share. Our relationship is cared for and protected by these 2 insane and crazy individuals that some how make it work. I'm proud of that!

So instead of going on a weekend getaway or dropping cash on dinner and a swanky hotel room for hot hotel sex, we decided to decorate our bedroom. We moved into our home almost 1 and a half years ago, and our room is the one room that has been put on the back burner. We decided together that its time to make it our retreat. So Jack got out the tape measure, paper and pencil (because he is the analyzer on the team) and I pulled out of my brain ideas that have been in there for who knows how long (because I am the dreamer in this relationship) and we went shopping! We pull from one another.. That is something that is so cool in our relationship. One person can say "x" and the other one throws "y" with it and for the most part, xy=AMAZING! I can't tell you what we have come up with... But I will tell you that you can't buy it in a store! We are throwing boy and girl together and with any luck, by Sunday, we will be kicking back in what we like to call... Well I can't tell you that either...

Watch for pics on our progress and have a great weekend! And if you are traveling to Diversity, be safe and know we miss you already!! Loves Loves... JGirl

Just a little side job.....ha

Food for my soul!

I was fed on Saturday by the sweet nectar of one of Arkansas best kept secrets. (hopefully) The sweet waters of the Mulberry. Kayaking revives my soul, makes me smile, and really is something that is in my blood, from the first time riding in my Dad's kayak out in the ocean with him. When I was very little, he would put me inside but once I got older, I would ride on the back just on the top.

So even though I was sick for two freaking days...a cold, and quite a nasty one, I got out ON THE WATER! I got the call on Friday asking if I was game...and at the time, I thought shit, I'm sick I really shouldn't. It rained quite a bit on Friday so I knew the water would be flowing and COLD! Meaning...if I fell over, I would be frozen till we got to the take out. That isn't the best recipe for recovering from a cold. But, I just figured what the hell.

We decided on a short trip because it was last minute planning. And the river was at 4 ft which is for experienced boaters only. That way, if one of us fucked up and dumped, we wouldn't be uncomfortable ALL day.
At first when we reached the put in spot I was a wee bit apprehensive. All these folks had their little white water boats with helmets and all the gear. I had my boat, my skirt, and I did have better preps for cold water than my crew but it still was no wet suit! But I didn't care, the sun was out, it was about 68 degrees, and we were about to ride the rapids!

I wore my binder to see how it does in wet conditions. It fared ok but as the day wore on, I felt it sort of conformed to my body more than normal rather than compressing areas of discomfort. So, by the end of the trip, my moobs were somewhat obvious. But I didn't care, I used the men's room anyway. I figured fuck it, it's a camp ground for god sake....who's going to freak out there. As it turns out, there wasn't a line or anything so I was in the clear. haha
I think I love kayaking so much because it's basically a gender neutral event. Well, unless you do the Elk in southern Missouri, then it's obvious what gender you are because lots of the women are showing what god gave them.....and NO I didn't look.

Anyway, kayaking has never made me feel "like a girl" or a guy for that matter. I'm good enough at it so gender isn't an issue. Now, it will be WAY more fun someday in the hot summers when I can go without a shirt! (Top surgery, Yea!!!! Stay tuned for my fundraiser button) That will just make things complete! And legal since in my younger "girl" years I've been known to kayak topless anyway...which is real embarrassing when you meet a friend of your brothers for what you think is the first time, but his first memory of me is on the river........WITHOUT MY SHIRT ON!