So, last night I had the first real nightmare towards my transitioning. The setting took place in Austin Texas at a Drag competition. Funny since the first type of national Drag King event I ever attended was in Austin. And that is where I decided that I am not a Drag King but a transman. I loved dressing like a guy, but not for entertainment, more for my comfort level and happiness. For some reason, though I entertained the notion of being a guy, it never really dawned on me completely that I could be transgendered. I mean, I even knew about the concept so it wasn't like I was unaware. Funny thing how minor events can change your whole life.
Anyway, back to the dream. My friends and I had been partying and were heading to the Drag King competition which was jam packed with people. On the way we stopped off at a bar and I had to go to the bathroom. For some reason the bathrooms were packed and I was having anxiety about using the men's room but I had to because, well...I'm a guy. But there is still that apprehension in real life but in my dream it was exaggerated. So, I decided I would sit in a stall and pretend I was dropping a deuce. (Gotta love "guy speak") But when I sat down, I was immediately confronted by a dude that recognized me from my home town and he was like "you're a girl, why are you in here" And it wasn't anyone I know from my real life but in my dream, apparently I knew him. He was this snippy gay guy who was acting like I was infringing on their "space" Anyway, at this point I did actually use the bathroom and needed to wipe but he wouldn't stop staring and was really invading my privacy. (the stall walls were about chest level) But I was with a bunch of girls so no one could come help me with this issue. I don't remember anymore of the dream beyond that but it's very telling about where my head is at this point.
I'm passing probably 90% of the time now, when I'm not at work. I've started using cash when I pay for stuff so people don't see my legal name on any cards. But I am still having that apprehension when it comes to the bathroom. It's seems to be one of my major hangups right now. Luckily my job has several un-gendered bathrooms so I've starting using those 100% of the time.
Argh, I know exactly what's holding me up and causing these anxieties....not the issues themselves but the fact that I STILL haven't told my parents. And if you keep up with this blog, you see that's a running theme. Jesus Christ already, get the balls that I know I have and fucking tell them. I mean, I cannot go any further with this until I do. I can't just randomly get my chest surgically altered without their knowledge and I can't really change any official documents until they know due to the simple fact of legalities and in the event of a tragedy. That would be a shitty way to spring this on them, "Hi, we are calling you in regards to Jack *&%$#. He was injured in an auto accident and you all are his next of kin."
Ugh...
On a lighter note. Pumping does work, let me just say....I do believe I am blessed and I knew my brain always told me I had a big ole' schlong. ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment