*Warning...this is just a pure vent post!"

I'm sure most of you don't know this but I had one of the best jobs in the world. I didn't work for the "man" slaving away making someone else rich. I work for a non-profit that had good ethics and conscientious principles. We have a mission, a vision concept, and great values that have been an expectation for almost since I've been here. (9 years) They were accepting of race, culture, AND sexuality, and probably trans issues too if it came up. This was a place where I was comfortable from the get go. And comfortable enough to start exploring who I really felt I was. Me, J, a boi, no longer the girl I have been. I was preparing myself to come out to my job because I felt that, although it would be a difficult adjustment since we have elderly volunteers, I would be protected by those that mattered, those who hold the cards of my employment. And I will tell you what, that is one of the safest places in the world to be during this process. I knew I was lucky for what I had. And I was dedicated, honored, and just proud to work here.
But now that has all changed. Our umbrella organization that had the money but didn't really mess in the day to day operations has now absorbed my department as well as a couple others. They also are pulling the funding from the organization that I was so loyal to. They have decided that they will just be the "landlord" and run the facility but the organization is now on their own.
And so it becomes....."the Man" (apologies to us real men fyi) So we become just like any other company. Don't care about you, just don't cost us any money and don't spend any money. I sat in a meeting this morning that had I felt that sense of protection I used to feel, I would have voiced my opinion, loudly and walked out. It was the most unprofessional, disrespectful, and honestly, downright racist meeting I've ever attended. And....normally I would have been very vocal and showed my disdain for such abhorrent behavior but...I am now between THE rock and THE hardest place imaginable. With my profession (dirt wrangler-that's code for gardener) I have THE dream job. I get to garden but don't have to be self-employed, only work seasonally, or work without benefits. That is unheard of with what I do for a living. I know this...and sometimes as hard as it is, I have to buck up and do what I have to do to take care of my family. And this morning, that included putting my personal ethics and ideals aside and bow my head. Even though one comment felt like a personal punch in my stomach.
I feel powerless....can't fight back because I WILL LOSE. And with losing my job, there goes the house, our home.
So, getting back to my point...I'm just so sad right now because I was prepared to be who I really am. I felt safe. And now the rug has been pulled right out from under me. But, I will keep fighting in my own way. I have some cards up my sleeve, I just haven't found them yet. I truly believe evil will not prevail. I'm just going to have to sit back for a moment, relax, breathe deep, and wait. I'll wait them out....I think....I'll try to be strong because I am not one to throw my love and devotion just out to anyone.
I just want to be the best man I can be and show everyone else who I am too...and for now, that has been put on hold. I wish I was strong enough to just stand up anyway and fight, fight, fight...............maybe, I'll channel some Bob Marley soon.

Get up, stand up
Stand up for your rights
Get up, stand up
Don't give up the fight

Ah, the Winds of Change and the Rain of Control

Ok, change….believe it or not, I don’t think I’m very good at change. Well, at least I’m not good with slow, unsure change. The kind that careers put people through. The kinds of adjustment that the world makes you wait on. When it comes to me accepting change, when I finally accept it, I want it over and done with, change already! One would assume that being transgender, I’d be all over change and accepting and embrace freaking change….well, I don’t. I can control going to the doctor, getting my script, getting my surgery date, etc. What I can’t control is when my company is going to hit rock bottom. Who is going to be around to watch it/help it fall? I say “my company” when in truth my department has been switched over to a whole different company, I just do that same thing while I see my coworkers, my friends, struggle around me, trying to grasp what’s going on. Trying to keep their heads up and keep going, keep fighting for the original mission. But at what point does the fighting bring you down, break you?
The problem I’m struggling with is that I want to stick around, HAVE to stick around. I need the insurance, the salary, and the comfort of being at the same company for 9 years. But as I sit back and watch history repeat itself, one has to wonder why they keep making the same poor choices. I am incensed at how the non-profit whose sole purpose was to be “for the community” is struggling. The funding source has been cut off, the money that was supposed to keep us going for a long time. The big wigs, the purveyors of the cash have found other toys to play with and are putting us in the attic. I would like to know why they pay the 3 top brass (two of which have been recently hired, I might add) about a half a million dollars in salaries alone, while us “underlings” haven’t had any type of wage adjustment, even cost of living, in 3 years. My salary freeze at one time was fine with me; we were all in this together; ready to make sacrifices for the greater good. But shit, enough is enough. WE AREN’T CORPORATE AMERICA PEOPLE! One more annoyance is how one of them in particular who personally knew our benefactor can make such choices and truly think that she would have made the same ones….never would she have put people out in the cold. Never would she have agreed to take on projects that would put a financial strain on her original concept, her original baby. Never would she have cut us off. He is fucking insane, a megalomaniac.
I also hate the feeling of powerlessness. They have me by the proverbial balls. Unless I find a comparable salary somewhere else, I cannot just say F*&k you and move on. I have to be an adult, not the rebel of my youth. Not the one who really didn’t put up with shit from work or life’s other responsibilities; I took care of myself and myself only. Buying a house seemed like such a great idea. Home ownership seemed like such a grown up thing to do. Now, I am chained to it. I cannot run free and pick up my feet and run to the hills. Grab my girl and hit the road. Nope, I have to pay a mortgage, pay bills. Mow the LAWN for god sake. But at least I am settled, can plant my feet. But there is still the little tiny rebel part of me that wants to fuck shit up! Hahaha
Well, shit….not much info here. It’s just whiny bullshit. Many folks don’t even have homes, or had one and got kicked out so I should count my blessings. And I do…I am truly blessed I realize that. But I get used to my comforts and think all is going to be ok. Things will be just fine. Then a big old wrench gets thrown in the mix from a mother fucker who wants to play god and spend someone else’s money to get his name on buildings. I guess it’s because alone, he’s a man who no one will remember when he’s gone. They will see his name in big lettering against some structure and ask who the hell was that? That must be a really lonely place to be.

My To-Do list

Ok, since starting T, I've been in limbo. Basking in the feelings and surges and physical energy of all things male. Exulting in the step I took to even start hormones. Especially given my abhorrence to needles and doctors. I've felt like I took a huge step and that was good....good enough...maybe? Ha, nope, it's not good enough. One of my biggest faults is sometimes when I succeed a small bit, I am happy with that. I don't tend to go further and bigger. I am just satisfied with being marginal I suppose. But when it come to gender identity one can't really be marginal. Well, at least society doesn't let you. You have to be A or B. Not A.5. So this morning on the way to work I started thinking about what my next step would be. Besides the obvious of telling my parents. I mean a concrete step to make my transition easier. These days I am passing about 75% of the time. And the other 25% is work where I am still a "she" Ugh, add that to the list. Anyway, I've decided the next step needs to be my official name. Legal name. If I change my drivers license and SS card, even if the gender marker isn't correct. And one of my stresses is when I use a credit/debit card. Are people going to question my name vs my face? Will they see a man but read a female? So, in order to reduce some day to day living stress, I think my next step should be legal name change. It's easy, cheap, and would take a huge load off my shoulders. Course first I have to get a certified copy of my Birth certificate from California. Damn that softball tournament! My coach lost my only official copy of my BC.
Ok, so...get new BC, change legal name on SS and DL. Then it's time for surgery...saving for surgery...thinking about surgery....getting the surgery. Man, I am so paranoid about surgery but I want it so bad. I want my chest to look like what it does in my mind. I need to not have to worry if people notice my extra bulk on my chest. And then once that happens, I can change my gender marker on my birth certificate. Luckily I was born in California so even though it's a process and I might have to make a trip out there, it won't be so foreign of a concept there than it would be here in Arkie-ville! (Let's hope)
*And now an update* I was going to put as my next step to come out at work but for f*&%ed up reasons, my job has become a bit unsettled so I am currently seeking other employment. So, I'm not going to come out right now, till it settles down or I find a new job. Crap, just when things were falling into place.....
As my right hand man says...."We are now part of the 'Dark Side', we are stormtroopers!" Ha, I love him and the star wars analogies.....cause I can so relate! I'll try to keep updated better...Later!