Ok, I just reread my posts on this site and realize they are mostly written about my fears and short comings about being a dude. So I wanted to write a blog about how my experience so far has been good with my T regimen.
The first thing I notice is how great I feel physically. T makes my body feel like it is supposed to. I’ve always felt like I was a weakling of some sort and T has increased my strength and stamina. I can only assume that the reason I’ve felt weak is because I couldn’t do some things guys do physically. I realize I will always have the “short-man syndrome” but now my body seems to match my mind and that feels damn good. And even though I think I’ve become less emotional and sympathetic, my brain synapses seem to finally fire properly. All my life, I’ve felt that my brain hasn’t fired correctly, that maybe I needed ADHD or ADD medicine and now for the first time in my life I feel like I can focus when I really need or want to. But I do think my writing has suffered a bit, not that I was worthy of a Pulitzer but I felt that my musings were at least entertaining for the reader…course I’ve been called self-centered and cocky too.
I also love this new found sexuality! I have always felt that I was a sexual being but as I’ve gotten older, that has lessened a bit and I became worried that I would eventually lose the yearning for a favorite pastime. But now, I am ready and willing at a moments notice. And my girl and I are having great fun with that. One thing I will interject here is that I am one lucky boi in the girlfriend department. She is so supportive and wonderful, she’s never treated me once “like a girl” and one place that is evident is in the bedroom. It’s incredible to find someone who does as much or more research on my journey. Who is as knowledgeable and finds out when she doesn’t know. Someone who stands up and fights even if I don’t feel like it, she’s a tiger I tell ya!
And to top off the wonders of being a boi, I can’t wait till I can sport facial hair. I have a bit of “peach fuzz” right now that you can see if I’m in very bright light and you stand 2” from my face…but I know it will grow in and be awesomely handsome! My body is changing as well, by leaps and bounds. My neck and shoulders are broadening. My hips are shrinking (wonder if this is why my hip joints have been hurting a bit?) My thighs and butt are muscling up. I now feel like I have a sexy body, even if my six-pack isn’t quite there. These damn bumps on my chest…boobs, I want them gone. I love to kiss them and caress them, just not on me!!!!
All in all, when I am bound (annoying necessity for now) and have my packer in, and I haven’t shaved the peach fuzz off, I feel like me…throw on some 501’s and a T-shirt and my Chucks and you have Jack, the boi. I feel confidant, handsome, and ready to take on the world…most days.
So there you have it, the basic things that I love about being me. There is so much else though, but those concepts are hard for me to put into words. It’s hard to pin down with just sentences. Some of the feelings I have yet to grasp myself. Jack is a work in progress, a piece of stone with the statue inside, and I just have to carve it out.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
For the love of a boi...
I find myself looking at this boi before me and not wanting to let him out of my sight. It is not for a jealous reason. I just want to bask in everything that is him. When I am next to him, I feel the warmth in my heart. I feel his heart. And most of the time, his heart feels me.
We are advancing on our journey together. J's transition is evermore apparent. Not just in the physical, but also in the mind. He is him. He is the boi that he always knew he was. We are coming to a crossroads now, however. As J has mentioned, his family knows nothing. His brother, who lives with us, knows that J is trans (after his bday party last year, when after a few beers J blurted it out, and then walked away for me to explain.) I thought that I had explained the best I could (pre-transition), but brother had been drinking too, so perhaps that convo never happened.
So what we have now is the present and the future. Bottom line is that, I am the cheerleader and the biggest supporter of J, but its getting time to buck up and tell the fam. The physical changes can no longer be hidden. J will not have chest surgery until the mom knows! (That's my only stipulation on surgery.) Mom can not continue to ask 5 times everytime he and her talk, if he has a cold or what is wrong with his voice. The time has come. Now, if only J was ready!
A few weekends ago, J's mom came up for the weekend. I had the flu, but managed to get out of bed for an hour to have a great convo with the momma! The 3 of us were sitting in the living room, fire going in the fireplace, and momma and I began to talk. We can relate on 2 different levels, we are both moms and we are both nurses. We began to talk about our children, as J sat there and listened. I would glance over occasionally at him with a look of "Tell her now, I just opened another door!" But no go. But momma and I continued. Her bottom line, as was mine, is that we only want our children to be happy in this life. Be who they are and just be happy.
Now I ask you...Does that sound like a scarey momma to you? I think not! LOL
If only J knew how strong he was...If only he could see what I see... This really is a hard subject. J is nervous about telling the fam. I totally understand! So I will continue to give him all the love and support I can. I will also be his cheerleader, right up to the moment the words burst out of his mouth..."Mom, I'm J!"
Loves.
We are advancing on our journey together. J's transition is evermore apparent. Not just in the physical, but also in the mind. He is him. He is the boi that he always knew he was. We are coming to a crossroads now, however. As J has mentioned, his family knows nothing. His brother, who lives with us, knows that J is trans (after his bday party last year, when after a few beers J blurted it out, and then walked away for me to explain.) I thought that I had explained the best I could (pre-transition), but brother had been drinking too, so perhaps that convo never happened.
So what we have now is the present and the future. Bottom line is that, I am the cheerleader and the biggest supporter of J, but its getting time to buck up and tell the fam. The physical changes can no longer be hidden. J will not have chest surgery until the mom knows! (That's my only stipulation on surgery.) Mom can not continue to ask 5 times everytime he and her talk, if he has a cold or what is wrong with his voice. The time has come. Now, if only J was ready!
A few weekends ago, J's mom came up for the weekend. I had the flu, but managed to get out of bed for an hour to have a great convo with the momma! The 3 of us were sitting in the living room, fire going in the fireplace, and momma and I began to talk. We can relate on 2 different levels, we are both moms and we are both nurses. We began to talk about our children, as J sat there and listened. I would glance over occasionally at him with a look of "Tell her now, I just opened another door!" But no go. But momma and I continued. Her bottom line, as was mine, is that we only want our children to be happy in this life. Be who they are and just be happy.
Now I ask you...Does that sound like a scarey momma to you? I think not! LOL
If only J knew how strong he was...If only he could see what I see... This really is a hard subject. J is nervous about telling the fam. I totally understand! So I will continue to give him all the love and support I can. I will also be his cheerleader, right up to the moment the words burst out of his mouth..."Mom, I'm J!"
Loves.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Damn, I have to piss again?????
This weekend R and I traveled to the big sexy state of Tejas for a friends wedding reception. And the happy couple know all about my journey so I went as a boi, as me. This is my first time traveling somewhere as myself, J the boi, the little scrapper himself! So yet another quandary presented itself...gas station bathrooms. Wow, who knew taking a piss was so fucking complicated and scary! Who knew that I would hold it till my bladder pulsed with spasming pain! Who knew you could get a bladder infection over the weekend! I sweated it because I couldn't use the women's because I was packing and binding. Which in the past when I've been confronted for using the women's bathrooms, I just flashed my chest and all was good. But I don't want to do that anymore, ugh, I want those gone but that's another post. But walking into the men's restroom seemed so scary. I didn't want to make one wrong move. I know the basics. One of my bestest buds has been talking me through it. And even over the weekend, the groom and the bride's brother were giving me pointers and tips and even some of their fears and hang-ups. Which was totally cute!
Ah, see...I called something cute. I'm going to interject with a funny story from the weekend. I was hanging with the Groom and we were chatting about something and this part is a bit fuzzy, but for some reason I reached out to hug him, and he was a tiny bit awkward but not completely. He then whispered to me that guys don't hug. Hahaha Shit...fuck....wow, the smallest details that I am so oblivious to. He is one of the sweetest dudes I know but also quite manly so I take his advice very serious.
Damn this female socialization. And those of you who know me, know that I'm not really that touchy-feely unless I REALLY know and like you! I just think I'm so caught up in the mechanics of being male that it's creating an uptight mother fucker! I'm stressed more now when I'm in public as a trans-male than I ever was as a freak, dyke, queer, bad ass mother fucking female. Whatever moniker I was feeling at the moment.
But, I know what part of the solution is.....coming out to my family and work. Ugh.....I know that once I do that and my closest allies are in the know and support me, that all else can suck it!!! But, once again that has proven to be one of the hardest things I've ever thought about doing.
Ok, so back to the bathroom issue. I got away with not using a public bathroom on the way down. But on the way home, I couldn't wait. It could have been the 3 sodas I drank at lunch...drinking them because I was sweating using the bathroom at the restaurant. So anyway, I avoided it until I found a tiny raunchy little station somewhere in Oklahoma. As I was headed to the john, this skeezy dude walked in. And the thought of being in the same room with him doing anything not to mention pissing turned my stomach so I lingered much like a nervous pedophile outside the bathrooms, looking at the vast array of crappy sodas this place had to offer. And he came out very quickly, so I took my chance...and Thank the freaking lord, the urinal was broken so I HAD to go to a stall....wow, I couldn't have made it any better. So I take out my STP, focusing on not looking too unnatural in the way I have to hold everything so I don't piss on myself and I did it. I peed in a men's restroom in a shit-hole gas station in Oklahoma. I even dropped a few drops of piss ON THE SEAT!!!!!! Which, I did not clean up cause guys don't do that!!
J
Ah, see...I called something cute. I'm going to interject with a funny story from the weekend. I was hanging with the Groom and we were chatting about something and this part is a bit fuzzy, but for some reason I reached out to hug him, and he was a tiny bit awkward but not completely. He then whispered to me that guys don't hug. Hahaha Shit...fuck....wow, the smallest details that I am so oblivious to. He is one of the sweetest dudes I know but also quite manly so I take his advice very serious.
Damn this female socialization. And those of you who know me, know that I'm not really that touchy-feely unless I REALLY know and like you! I just think I'm so caught up in the mechanics of being male that it's creating an uptight mother fucker! I'm stressed more now when I'm in public as a trans-male than I ever was as a freak, dyke, queer, bad ass mother fucking female. Whatever moniker I was feeling at the moment.
But, I know what part of the solution is.....coming out to my family and work. Ugh.....I know that once I do that and my closest allies are in the know and support me, that all else can suck it!!! But, once again that has proven to be one of the hardest things I've ever thought about doing.
Ok, so back to the bathroom issue. I got away with not using a public bathroom on the way down. But on the way home, I couldn't wait. It could have been the 3 sodas I drank at lunch...drinking them because I was sweating using the bathroom at the restaurant. So anyway, I avoided it until I found a tiny raunchy little station somewhere in Oklahoma. As I was headed to the john, this skeezy dude walked in. And the thought of being in the same room with him doing anything not to mention pissing turned my stomach so I lingered much like a nervous pedophile outside the bathrooms, looking at the vast array of crappy sodas this place had to offer. And he came out very quickly, so I took my chance...and Thank the freaking lord, the urinal was broken so I HAD to go to a stall....wow, I couldn't have made it any better. So I take out my STP, focusing on not looking too unnatural in the way I have to hold everything so I don't piss on myself and I did it. I peed in a men's restroom in a shit-hole gas station in Oklahoma. I even dropped a few drops of piss ON THE SEAT!!!!!! Which, I did not clean up cause guys don't do that!!
J
Thursday, October 22, 2009
You Give Me Fever...
One of the things that Jack and I have always been guilty of is an amazing sex life. Those of you that know us, know this to be true. We have, from day 1, shared this fire between us. This animal passion that can not be denied. Trust me, we tried!
One of the things that we have done is taken our passion with one another and equally our passion for writing that we both have and combined them. What occurred was several hot and steamy stories. Our writing together is another thing in our relationship that we are able to do together. Common ground if you will. Why, you ask, am I blogging about this? Well, because Jack has sent me another message about a fantasy and it triggered me to share.
Fantasy is something as a couple we all can do. It costs nothing, and there are no limits. But oh the outcome. Even if you do not act, the story will stay with you. That is the fun of it. When Jack writes to me, even if it is just a little text message, I turn into this Hot and Sexy Vixon, if only in my mind. So go find your inner "Betty" girls and have some fun with your boi! Throw on that garter belt and those Fab stilettos that make you feel oh so right, and let go!
Loves.
One of the things that we have done is taken our passion with one another and equally our passion for writing that we both have and combined them. What occurred was several hot and steamy stories. Our writing together is another thing in our relationship that we are able to do together. Common ground if you will. Why, you ask, am I blogging about this? Well, because Jack has sent me another message about a fantasy and it triggered me to share.
Fantasy is something as a couple we all can do. It costs nothing, and there are no limits. But oh the outcome. Even if you do not act, the story will stay with you. That is the fun of it. When Jack writes to me, even if it is just a little text message, I turn into this Hot and Sexy Vixon, if only in my mind. So go find your inner "Betty" girls and have some fun with your boi! Throw on that garter belt and those Fab stilettos that make you feel oh so right, and let go!
Loves.
"I Love You... Now Go Away... But Not Too Far!
Sometimes he drives me insane! Sometimes he drives me IN-sane! Ya know what I mean? Moods come and go. Hell I will be the first to admit that I have "moods"! But T is different. It makes for unfair disagreements! (That's my opinion anyway!) Jack can get mad about something and have time to lecture about it and then BAM! He is over it and on to the next thing...Or trying to get on me. I mean, I don't even have time to come up with something witty and dagger like before the disagreement is over in Jacks' world. I am left yearning. Yearning for that eye to eye combat. That argument that other couples get to have..Not to mention the make-up! But does a girl get that...Well hell no! Not when T is involved! Not don't get me wrong... I'm not asking for a week long bitch fest..I would be satisfied with a 20 minutes argument and a 4 hour make-up session :)!
In Jack's defense...He isn't much on confrontation, and that is one thing I love about him. He is my Peaceful Lover. My Protective Oak Tree. My Arms of Steel (and no I'm not talking about your gun show daddy, so put your arms down! LOL) He is my safety and for that I love him. Guess you can't have everything in this world right? Seriously, for those of you that want to know, when an argument insues and T is involved..You will never win. Time runs out too quick! Its like a 50 yard sprint (boys) as opposed to a half marathon (girls). Does that make any sense? Anyway..Just a quick lil something...
Loves...Rica
In Jack's defense...He isn't much on confrontation, and that is one thing I love about him. He is my Peaceful Lover. My Protective Oak Tree. My Arms of Steel (and no I'm not talking about your gun show daddy, so put your arms down! LOL) He is my safety and for that I love him. Guess you can't have everything in this world right? Seriously, for those of you that want to know, when an argument insues and T is involved..You will never win. Time runs out too quick! Its like a 50 yard sprint (boys) as opposed to a half marathon (girls). Does that make any sense? Anyway..Just a quick lil something...
Loves...Rica
We shall just name him.....fuck.
Ok, a warning...this blog is going to be whiny and rant-ish....so if you are in a good mood and can't deal with my rare negativity, better log off. If you're still reading, thanks for listening. :)
Well, for starters my hair is falling out. I knew this going in but I had the concept of "it won't happen to me" Yeah, it is. So fuckity fuck. And I am growing hair EVERYWHERE and where it's not growing, I am having acne/ingrown hairs that are bugging the fuck out of me. The funny thing the new hair is dark...I have blond hair....so whatever. And if I hear one more time..."Do you have a cold?" I will punch a mother fucker. You know, I don't feel like screaming "I am transgender, becoming a boi, from being born a girl!!!!" I mean, one gets tired of talking about it. I just want to change and be me, and not have to answer to anyone else, explain anything. Just leave me alone.
By the way, for those familiar with FtM hormone therapy and all that it entails....I know all these things above would happen, I'm just trying to deal with them so please don't lecture me on the process of taking T. I just want to bitch ok?
Also....with the increased libido and size of an unmentionable comes along a de-sensitivity to stimulation. Ugh, now days I call masturbation "jack-hammering" Haha, get it? "Jack" hammering.....So that's been a bit frustrating for my girl.....but she's so sweet and patient, we'll get there and I will grow into my new "junk" It will just take some getting used to.
And for my grand finale of this blog: I HAVEN'T TOLD MY BROTHER (who lives with me) OR MY PARENTS! Ugh, and I don't think I can. My mom has already mentioned my voice and I just avoided the situation. And my brother keeps making girl jokes and shit even though i told him last year about my trans status. But I haven't told him about my hormones yet.
I mean, I am 37 years old....and I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TELL THEM!
fuck fuck and fuckity fuck
Later,
J
Well, for starters my hair is falling out. I knew this going in but I had the concept of "it won't happen to me" Yeah, it is. So fuckity fuck. And I am growing hair EVERYWHERE and where it's not growing, I am having acne/ingrown hairs that are bugging the fuck out of me. The funny thing the new hair is dark...I have blond hair....so whatever. And if I hear one more time..."Do you have a cold?" I will punch a mother fucker. You know, I don't feel like screaming "I am transgender, becoming a boi, from being born a girl!!!!" I mean, one gets tired of talking about it. I just want to change and be me, and not have to answer to anyone else, explain anything. Just leave me alone.
By the way, for those familiar with FtM hormone therapy and all that it entails....I know all these things above would happen, I'm just trying to deal with them so please don't lecture me on the process of taking T. I just want to bitch ok?
Also....with the increased libido and size of an unmentionable comes along a de-sensitivity to stimulation. Ugh, now days I call masturbation "jack-hammering" Haha, get it? "Jack" hammering.....So that's been a bit frustrating for my girl.....but she's so sweet and patient, we'll get there and I will grow into my new "junk" It will just take some getting used to.
And for my grand finale of this blog: I HAVEN'T TOLD MY BROTHER (who lives with me) OR MY PARENTS! Ugh, and I don't think I can. My mom has already mentioned my voice and I just avoided the situation. And my brother keeps making girl jokes and shit even though i told him last year about my trans status. But I haven't told him about my hormones yet.
I mean, I am 37 years old....and I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TELL THEM!
fuck fuck and fuckity fuck
Later,
J
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