Well, this one will be short. I'm scared. Starting with my fear now in getting my shot to just the over all fear of being able to live up to who I want to be. My poor R and her skills are being tested. I'm making her feel bad because I've been a bit neurotic about getting my shot. My heart starts racing when it's time. I used to get excited when it was shot day but right now I'm starting to get nervous when my girl is about to stick me. Now, it could be because I know deep down that I need to learn how to do it myself and each time she does it, it's closer to the day I shall stick myself. And right now that's too much. I need my girl to do it, to stick me, to help me through this one more time. And that is an unfair burden I am putting on her right now.
As for my other fear, maybe because I haven't told my parents yet or perhaps because the changes happen gradually but I have yet to stand proud and say I am male. I am becoming male. I am becoming me. For now I feel like I live in the shadows. I only tell people who either can handle it or I don't care about offending. And I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my "community" and to myself. I still am not passing and to be flat out honest, I'm not doing that much to help with that. I only bind when I go out for social events. Course that could be because it's a pain in the ass and for now, my chest isn't seen as a freak of nature. It looks like it should be there even though it shouldn't and I don't want it there.
Ok, I need to get back to work...maybe I'll elaborate some more on this subject. I need to center myself and get my shit together or I may sink into a depression...and I'm not like that...for the most part I am happy, giddy, and upbeat.....I cannot lose that part of me...nor will I.
Later..............
J
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
When "We" becomes "I"...And back again...
There are so many emotions that pour out when changes are made. As an educated individual, you do your homework, and think you are prepared for the future ahead. J and I did just that. We researched endlessly on all things transition. We would share articles with one another, and discuss the subject often. We felt we were completely prepared. I don't like to admit I am wrong, but man was I wrong.
I knew and J knew, through our research, that T can effect the way you behave. The way you act. The way you react. We were both prepared for whatever came our way. Speaking from a partners point of view, I have to be honest and tell you that I was naive. I was prepared for J's changes. I was not prepared for MY changes. At some point, I forgot to research that. Honestly, there is very little, if any, research out there for a partner of FTM.
I recall a conversation J and I had one evening. Pillow talk if you will. J promised that if at any point T became an issue in our relationship, he would stop it immediately. He would not sacrifice our relationship for transition. I loved him for his selflessness in that moment. But I also knew that I would never pull that card out. Though he had given me permission, I could not ask that of him. Essentially, I would be asking him to stop who he is, for me.
As I said before, T has effects. The things that happened in J's head, are things I never in a million years would have thought could happen. We were in this together. We were in love. We were walking this road and on this journey together. We. Him. Me. We.
There is that moment in time you try to pinpoint. That moment when it all changes. The moment when "I" slipped in. That moment when "I" moved "WE" over. I. I. I. "I" had overtaken "WE". T makes our boi's almighty. Untouchable. Hot. Confident. Did I mention Hot? It brings out this sexy confidence as they come into there own. J was coming into his own. I didn't notice it at first, this new way about him. Sure I noticed his increasing "mirror checks", and posing. But I didn't notice that days had passed since we had actually talked. Like really talked. I failed to notice right away, that when we did talk, it was all about "I". I didn't know that he needed validation from others, that he needed his ego stroked by others. When I did realize it, I thought it was to late. I wanted to go back and pull the card that he had given me permission to pull. That "STOP THE "T" card! I wanted "WE" back. I hated this "I" that had come into the picture. I blamed him. I blamed the T. I blamed everything and everyone, but me.
As a Partner of FTM, you take on the role of cheerleader. You are there to smile at the physical changes, and smile even bigger when people notice those changes. Sometimes, as I have done, you forget you are this boi's LIFE partner. You are not the partner of ftm. You are just partner. Best friend. Lover. And you forget that you are to have a cheerleader in this life as well. You forget that it is ok to voice your opinion. You forget to tell this boi when he is being an ass. A Jack-ass! Ha!
Seriously, "I" moved "WE" over the moment I myself let it happen. I faded to the background so this star could shine. I forgot that I am a star that deserves to shine too.
"I" still appears in our relationship. "I" always will. But "WE" are in this together. WE are back again. We love one another. We love I. We accept I. But We comes before I now...
Loves.
I knew and J knew, through our research, that T can effect the way you behave. The way you act. The way you react. We were both prepared for whatever came our way. Speaking from a partners point of view, I have to be honest and tell you that I was naive. I was prepared for J's changes. I was not prepared for MY changes. At some point, I forgot to research that. Honestly, there is very little, if any, research out there for a partner of FTM.
I recall a conversation J and I had one evening. Pillow talk if you will. J promised that if at any point T became an issue in our relationship, he would stop it immediately. He would not sacrifice our relationship for transition. I loved him for his selflessness in that moment. But I also knew that I would never pull that card out. Though he had given me permission, I could not ask that of him. Essentially, I would be asking him to stop who he is, for me.
As I said before, T has effects. The things that happened in J's head, are things I never in a million years would have thought could happen. We were in this together. We were in love. We were walking this road and on this journey together. We. Him. Me. We.
There is that moment in time you try to pinpoint. That moment when it all changes. The moment when "I" slipped in. That moment when "I" moved "WE" over. I. I. I. "I" had overtaken "WE". T makes our boi's almighty. Untouchable. Hot. Confident. Did I mention Hot? It brings out this sexy confidence as they come into there own. J was coming into his own. I didn't notice it at first, this new way about him. Sure I noticed his increasing "mirror checks", and posing. But I didn't notice that days had passed since we had actually talked. Like really talked. I failed to notice right away, that when we did talk, it was all about "I". I didn't know that he needed validation from others, that he needed his ego stroked by others. When I did realize it, I thought it was to late. I wanted to go back and pull the card that he had given me permission to pull. That "STOP THE "T" card! I wanted "WE" back. I hated this "I" that had come into the picture. I blamed him. I blamed the T. I blamed everything and everyone, but me.
As a Partner of FTM, you take on the role of cheerleader. You are there to smile at the physical changes, and smile even bigger when people notice those changes. Sometimes, as I have done, you forget you are this boi's LIFE partner. You are not the partner of ftm. You are just partner. Best friend. Lover. And you forget that you are to have a cheerleader in this life as well. You forget that it is ok to voice your opinion. You forget to tell this boi when he is being an ass. A Jack-ass! Ha!
Seriously, "I" moved "WE" over the moment I myself let it happen. I faded to the background so this star could shine. I forgot that I am a star that deserves to shine too.
"I" still appears in our relationship. "I" always will. But "WE" are in this together. WE are back again. We love one another. We love I. We accept I. But We comes before I now...
Loves.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Is That a Frog in Your Throat? Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
Testosterone, T, the big beef injection, wait, not really, I made that last one up…it is NOT slang for T as far as I know, I ‘m just attempting to be funny. Anyway, my recent decision is an odd choice for someone who grew up hating injections of any form…I dreaded needles. I would have rather taken 18 pills a day standing on my head rather than take one simple little pin prick. So, when my pretty girl drove up that one day with this big grin on her face, I knew something life changing was up. I was out working with my crew and up drove R…she said she had a surprise. Said I had to leave and head to the doctor, she had found an endocrinologist who would take a Trans patient, in fact, he had a couple already! Woo Hoo; I wouldn’t be a guinea pig! Now before some of you think “Why is she finding your docs for you” Well, I am absolutely horrible at talking to people on the phone, especially when it comes to anything health related. I HATE cold calling doctors. Ugh. So, she did my homework for me (I always did get the pretty ones to help me out in school!) And found a guy willing to see me and could see me that day because they had a cancellation.
So, we show up at the doctor’s office, it was drab, sparse, and empty. I will admit that I was a bit nervous at the lack of patients. I mean, I have spent more time as of late in doctors’ offices due to other unrelated bullshit, and the offices were NEVER sparse, which sucks for my personal space issues and general disdain of human contact with strangers. But I know that I’ve wanted this, needed this to happen for a long time. I at least need to talk with a doctor about testosterone.
About 3 weeks prior, I had spoken with a therapist, to see if I was indeed Trans. I know that sounds strange but I needed validation of my feelings, of my yearnings, of a void I seem to have in life. You know, just like being gay, one doesn’t choose these roads to travel. I knew this voyage was going to be tough so I needed to make sure I was making the right decision. I guess I was secretly hoping that she had another reason for my feelings, something easier, less filled with complications. The funny thing is, she said I seemed the most sane of any trans folk she’s ever met with and that she didn’t feel I exactly needed therapy but if I just needed someone to talk to and to write the official letters needed, that was ok. Um, yeah….you are $100/hr, this blog is free! Ha-ha (disclaimer-she made a point to say she wasn’t criticizing any past patients, just letting me know that I’m not exactly therapy material.) Also, quick side note, though not as practiced anymore, some docs adhere to the Harry Benjamin standards of care for GID and require therapy for a certain amount of time before administering hormones. My Doc was glad I went to a therapist but he didn’t seem to require it.
So, with that being said, I realized I needed to just embark on my journey. Though the fear I felt and still feel is sometimes overwhelming. I fear rejection, I fear hurt, I fear physical altercation, but mostly, I fear not being able to live up to the societal concept of what a man is…and because I do not feel like a woman, that is my only other option. I notice that I still play the girl card when it suits me, when I can get away with it, or when I feel it’s going to make things easier. And that has created some shame in me…that I am putting this stuff in my body to become who I really am, but because I’m a fucking chicken, I can’t stand up and be the man I am creating.
Jesus, getting a bit somber here aren’t I? Blah fuck all that whiny shit….that is one thing that T has been doing, it’s seems to make my emotions a bit less surface, I’m able to suppress them better. Not that that’s a good thing of course but sometimes it’s easier than actually dealing with them.
Ok, let’s go ahead and talk about what testosterone has done for me so far….first off, it has desensitized me to needles. Ha, I mean, it should…I take a shot every two weeks in the ass. My girl does it for me, that’s one perk of living with a nurse. She told me the other day that she would teach me to do it but I’m not there yet…the thought of poking myself with a needle makes my stomach churn.
But all the clinical aspects aside, T makes me feel incredible. I finally feel like my synapses are firing properly, like my chemical make-up is finally complete. I remember my first shot, we had to go somewhere and about 30 minutes after my shot…I almost felt high. Not like the altered state sort of high but the “I really feel fucking great” type of high. It really is hard to describe but my body felt physically better. I remember I had to work that next Monday by myself, I didn’t have a crew for some reason…and I felt so powerful that day. Every hose spigot was so easy to turn on. (Um, not that I’m a puss but our hose spigots are the industrial kind that require a key and can be hard to turn sometimes, just sayin’) The bundles of weeds and debris I carried felt so light. Now, I realize that some of this could be mental. I could be telling myself that I SHOULD be more powerful since I’m a dude…who knows, but I’ll take it.
The next thing that I noticed RIGHT away is an increase in libido. My yearning for sex and all things sex related. This new thing has been fun for R and me. And she has a high libido but even she has gotten a bit overwhelmed. I couldn’t get enough. I yearned for it; it was a complete and utter distraction from work, from home chores, practically from life itself. Now being 37 years old, I know I shouldn’t be sitting in a meeting thinking about how my girl and I are going to have sex the minute I get home, but I was. And I think the annoyance of that was more distracting than the need for sex itself. Luckily my girl has been ever so gracious to oblige my needs and desires without much resistance. Thank you baby for being a teenager with me! Anyway, now it’s been about 3 months or so, I can now put the horniness aside and resume normal life. Though the most awesome thing is I still get a boner from the most mundane things and can be ready and more than willing at a moments notice. I think I’ve got “him” under control, my budding cock that is…such a little whippersnapper he is! Speaking of my “little whippersnapper” I have something else happening…I am growing, enlarging, swelling, what ever sexy perverted term you readers would prefer, my girl parts are turning into boy parts! Now before you bulge your eyes and text me for a pic, it’s not THAT drastic but I am getting some growth in a very nice area! I couldn’t believe the first time I noticed…and now I can’t’ seem to keep my hands off of it! Ha-ha
Ok, I think these are enough words for now. I have so much to say and for some reason, my brain hasn’t been very willing to cooperate in the literary department, course….I probably would excel at writing porn at this time…c’est la vie!
Later,
J
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Who is this teenage boi in my bed?
You sometimes forget being a teenager. I mean, you don't forget the things that you did as a teen, but you forget the feelings that come with adolescence. HORMONES and PUBERTY!
As I said, J found the teen boy libido at about hour 3 of T. Now don't get me wrong, I was not complaining. Our intimacy has never been an issue, and I always craved more. More of this boi. More of this connection. Just more. I must say, I have a very high libido. Always have. For that first weekend it was like being on vacation. We made love and we occasionally stopped for food. And then the work week began...And the intimacy continued..This went on for weeks...
As I said, I was not complaining... It was beautiful to see this boi coming in to his own. He was turning into this being that just poured this sexy confidence. There were physical changes that made almost every day feel like Christmas morning!
I remember the night that J called me from the bathroom. He had just showered. I went in and J is standing in the shower with a towel up against him. "Does this look different to you?" I peered down at J's crotch and there staring back at me was this beautiful budding cock. I can only imagine the smile that came across my face. We did not need words at that moment. Our faces said it all. OH YEAH! This was about 1 week after J's first "T" injection. And this girl could not be happier!
Other physical changes that I noticed within those first 3 weeks included the squaring up of his jaw and this peach fuzz above his upper lip. And of course, the constant clearing of his throat. And a squeak in his voice at any given moment. But these were all changes we knew to expect. We had poured over what research we could find for some time before J made this choice. And we are in this together. And I came to accept and love the fact that my 37 year old lover had officially hit puberty full force... And I now lived with a 15 year old teenage boy...
As I said, J found the teen boy libido at about hour 3 of T. Now don't get me wrong, I was not complaining. Our intimacy has never been an issue, and I always craved more. More of this boi. More of this connection. Just more. I must say, I have a very high libido. Always have. For that first weekend it was like being on vacation. We made love and we occasionally stopped for food. And then the work week began...And the intimacy continued..This went on for weeks...
As I said, I was not complaining... It was beautiful to see this boi coming in to his own. He was turning into this being that just poured this sexy confidence. There were physical changes that made almost every day feel like Christmas morning!
I remember the night that J called me from the bathroom. He had just showered. I went in and J is standing in the shower with a towel up against him. "Does this look different to you?" I peered down at J's crotch and there staring back at me was this beautiful budding cock. I can only imagine the smile that came across my face. We did not need words at that moment. Our faces said it all. OH YEAH! This was about 1 week after J's first "T" injection. And this girl could not be happier!
Other physical changes that I noticed within those first 3 weeks included the squaring up of his jaw and this peach fuzz above his upper lip. And of course, the constant clearing of his throat. And a squeak in his voice at any given moment. But these were all changes we knew to expect. We had poured over what research we could find for some time before J made this choice. And we are in this together. And I came to accept and love the fact that my 37 year old lover had officially hit puberty full force... And I now lived with a 15 year old teenage boy...
And the transition begins...
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you, sometimes when you least expect it. Through endless searches, I have found that the support for anything trans falls upon the trans community itself. In lifes trials, you often search for the front runners for guidance, only we are the front runners. This new generation that has chosen to be true to themselves and the loves in their lives.
J started "T" (testosterone) hormone therapy roughly 3 months ago. It was a Friday evening, and we both stood over this little bottle laying on the bed. His hopes and dreams, and mine, were layed out right in front of us. This is it. Its time to hold on to one another, now more than ever, and take this plunge. We looked at each other and kissed. After a couple pictures to mark our journey, I grabbed the bottle and began the process of drawing up our new life in this syringe. J bent over, and with a simple stick, I aided in giving him our new and profound life. We hugged. I spent the next 20 minutes staring at this boi that I love so much, and his smile that could put any sun to shame. He was beaming. I was too. "How do you feel?" I kept asking. "Great" he would say. This went on all night. 3 hours after that first dose of newness, J found his teenage boy libido...
J started "T" (testosterone) hormone therapy roughly 3 months ago. It was a Friday evening, and we both stood over this little bottle laying on the bed. His hopes and dreams, and mine, were layed out right in front of us. This is it. Its time to hold on to one another, now more than ever, and take this plunge. We looked at each other and kissed. After a couple pictures to mark our journey, I grabbed the bottle and began the process of drawing up our new life in this syringe. J bent over, and with a simple stick, I aided in giving him our new and profound life. We hugged. I spent the next 20 minutes staring at this boi that I love so much, and his smile that could put any sun to shame. He was beaming. I was too. "How do you feel?" I kept asking. "Great" he would say. This went on all night. 3 hours after that first dose of newness, J found his teenage boy libido...
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