Well, this one will be short. I'm scared. Starting with my fear now in getting my shot to just the over all fear of being able to live up to who I want to be. My poor R and her skills are being tested. I'm making her feel bad because I've been a bit neurotic about getting my shot. My heart starts racing when it's time. I used to get excited when it was shot day but right now I'm starting to get nervous when my girl is about to stick me. Now, it could be because I know deep down that I need to learn how to do it myself and each time she does it, it's closer to the day I shall stick myself. And right now that's too much. I need my girl to do it, to stick me, to help me through this one more time. And that is an unfair burden I am putting on her right now.
As for my other fear, maybe because I haven't told my parents yet or perhaps because the changes happen gradually but I have yet to stand proud and say I am male. I am becoming male. I am becoming me. For now I feel like I live in the shadows. I only tell people who either can handle it or I don't care about offending. And I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my "community" and to myself. I still am not passing and to be flat out honest, I'm not doing that much to help with that. I only bind when I go out for social events. Course that could be because it's a pain in the ass and for now, my chest isn't seen as a freak of nature. It looks like it should be there even though it shouldn't and I don't want it there.
Ok, I need to get back to work...maybe I'll elaborate some more on this subject. I need to center myself and get my shit together or I may sink into a depression...and I'm not like that...for the most part I am happy, giddy, and upbeat.....I cannot lose that part of me...nor will I.
Later..............
J
1 comment:
Hi you guys. Just peeking in and keeping up with all the news. Can't wait to see you both this weekend.
Keep on writing.
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