Is That a Frog in Your Throat? Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Testosterone, T, the big beef injection, wait, not really, I made that last one up…it is NOT slang for T as far as I know, I ‘m just attempting to be funny. Anyway, my recent decision is an odd choice for someone who grew up hating injections of any form…I dreaded needles. I would have rather taken 18 pills a day standing on my head rather than take one simple little pin prick. So, when my pretty girl drove up that one day with this big grin on her face, I knew something life changing was up. I was out working with my crew and up drove R…she said she had a surprise. Said I had to leave and head to the doctor, she had found an endocrinologist who would take a Trans patient, in fact, he had a couple already! Woo Hoo; I wouldn’t be a guinea pig! Now before some of you think “Why is she finding your docs for you” Well, I am absolutely horrible at talking to people on the phone, especially when it comes to anything health related. I HATE cold calling doctors. Ugh. So, she did my homework for me (I always did get the pretty ones to help me out in school!) And found a guy willing to see me and could see me that day because they had a cancellation.

So, we show up at the doctor’s office, it was drab, sparse, and empty. I will admit that I was a bit nervous at the lack of patients. I mean, I have spent more time as of late in doctors’ offices due to other unrelated bullshit, and the offices were NEVER sparse, which sucks for my personal space issues and general disdain of human contact with strangers. But I know that I’ve wanted this, needed this to happen for a long time. I at least need to talk with a doctor about testosterone.

About 3 weeks prior, I had spoken with a therapist, to see if I was indeed Trans. I know that sounds strange but I needed validation of my feelings, of my yearnings, of a void I seem to have in life. You know, just like being gay, one doesn’t choose these roads to travel. I knew this voyage was going to be tough so I needed to make sure I was making the right decision. I guess I was secretly hoping that she had another reason for my feelings, something easier, less filled with complications. The funny thing is, she said I seemed the most sane of any trans folk she’s ever met with and that she didn’t feel I exactly needed therapy but if I just needed someone to talk to and to write the official letters needed, that was ok. Um, yeah….you are $100/hr, this blog is free! Ha-ha (disclaimer-she made a point to say she wasn’t criticizing any past patients, just letting me know that I’m not exactly therapy material.) Also, quick side note, though not as practiced anymore, some docs adhere to the Harry Benjamin standards of care for GID and require therapy for a certain amount of time before administering hormones. My Doc was glad I went to a therapist but he didn’t seem to require it.

So, with that being said, I realized I needed to just embark on my journey. Though the fear I felt and still feel is sometimes overwhelming. I fear rejection, I fear hurt, I fear physical altercation, but mostly, I fear not being able to live up to the societal concept of what a man is…and because I do not feel like a woman, that is my only other option. I notice that I still play the girl card when it suits me, when I can get away with it, or when I feel it’s going to make things easier. And that has created some shame in me…that I am putting this stuff in my body to become who I really am, but because I’m a fucking chicken, I can’t stand up and be the man I am creating.

Jesus, getting a bit somber here aren’t I? Blah fuck all that whiny shit….that is one thing that T has been doing, it’s seems to make my emotions a bit less surface, I’m able to suppress them better. Not that that’s a good thing of course but sometimes it’s easier than actually dealing with them.

Ok, let’s go ahead and talk about what testosterone has done for me so far….first off, it has desensitized me to needles. Ha, I mean, it should…I take a shot every two weeks in the ass. My girl does it for me, that’s one perk of living with a nurse. She told me the other day that she would teach me to do it but I’m not there yet…the thought of poking myself with a needle makes my stomach churn.

But all the clinical aspects aside, T makes me feel incredible. I finally feel like my synapses are firing properly, like my chemical make-up is finally complete. I remember my first shot, we had to go somewhere and about 30 minutes after my shot…I almost felt high. Not like the altered state sort of high but the “I really feel fucking great” type of high. It really is hard to describe but my body felt physically better. I remember I had to work that next Monday by myself, I didn’t have a crew for some reason…and I felt so powerful that day. Every hose spigot was so easy to turn on. (Um, not that I’m a puss but our hose spigots are the industrial kind that require a key and can be hard to turn sometimes, just sayin’) The bundles of weeds and debris I carried felt so light. Now, I realize that some of this could be mental. I could be telling myself that I SHOULD be more powerful since I’m a dude…who knows, but I’ll take it.

The next thing that I noticed RIGHT away is an increase in libido. My yearning for sex and all things sex related. This new thing has been fun for R and me. And she has a high libido but even she has gotten a bit overwhelmed. I couldn’t get enough. I yearned for it; it was a complete and utter distraction from work, from home chores, practically from life itself. Now being 37 years old, I know I shouldn’t be sitting in a meeting thinking about how my girl and I are going to have sex the minute I get home, but I was. And I think the annoyance of that was more distracting than the need for sex itself. Luckily my girl has been ever so gracious to oblige my needs and desires without much resistance. Thank you baby for being a teenager with me! Anyway, now it’s been about 3 months or so, I can now put the horniness aside and resume normal life. Though the most awesome thing is I still get a boner from the most mundane things and can be ready and more than willing at a moments notice. I think I’ve got “him” under control, my budding cock that is…such a little whippersnapper he is! Speaking of my “little whippersnapper” I have something else happening…I am growing, enlarging, swelling, what ever sexy perverted term you readers would prefer, my girl parts are turning into boy parts! Now before you bulge your eyes and text me for a pic, it’s not THAT drastic but I am getting some growth in a very nice area! I couldn’t believe the first time I noticed…and now I can’t’ seem to keep my hands off of it! Ha-ha

Ok, I think these are enough words for now. I have so much to say and for some reason, my brain hasn’t been very willing to cooperate in the literary department, course….I probably would excel at writing porn at this time…c’est la vie!

Later,

J