There are so many emotions that pour out when changes are made. As an educated individual, you do your homework, and think you are prepared for the future ahead. J and I did just that. We researched endlessly on all things transition. We would share articles with one another, and discuss the subject often. We felt we were completely prepared. I don't like to admit I am wrong, but man was I wrong.
I knew and J knew, through our research, that T can effect the way you behave. The way you act. The way you react. We were both prepared for whatever came our way. Speaking from a partners point of view, I have to be honest and tell you that I was naive. I was prepared for J's changes. I was not prepared for MY changes. At some point, I forgot to research that. Honestly, there is very little, if any, research out there for a partner of FTM.
I recall a conversation J and I had one evening. Pillow talk if you will. J promised that if at any point T became an issue in our relationship, he would stop it immediately. He would not sacrifice our relationship for transition. I loved him for his selflessness in that moment. But I also knew that I would never pull that card out. Though he had given me permission, I could not ask that of him. Essentially, I would be asking him to stop who he is, for me.
As I said before, T has effects. The things that happened in J's head, are things I never in a million years would have thought could happen. We were in this together. We were in love. We were walking this road and on this journey together. We. Him. Me. We.
There is that moment in time you try to pinpoint. That moment when it all changes. The moment when "I" slipped in. That moment when "I" moved "WE" over. I. I. I. "I" had overtaken "WE". T makes our boi's almighty. Untouchable. Hot. Confident. Did I mention Hot? It brings out this sexy confidence as they come into there own. J was coming into his own. I didn't notice it at first, this new way about him. Sure I noticed his increasing "mirror checks", and posing. But I didn't notice that days had passed since we had actually talked. Like really talked. I failed to notice right away, that when we did talk, it was all about "I". I didn't know that he needed validation from others, that he needed his ego stroked by others. When I did realize it, I thought it was to late. I wanted to go back and pull the card that he had given me permission to pull. That "STOP THE "T" card! I wanted "WE" back. I hated this "I" that had come into the picture. I blamed him. I blamed the T. I blamed everything and everyone, but me.
As a Partner of FTM, you take on the role of cheerleader. You are there to smile at the physical changes, and smile even bigger when people notice those changes. Sometimes, as I have done, you forget you are this boi's LIFE partner. You are not the partner of ftm. You are just partner. Best friend. Lover. And you forget that you are to have a cheerleader in this life as well. You forget that it is ok to voice your opinion. You forget to tell this boi when he is being an ass. A Jack-ass! Ha!
Seriously, "I" moved "WE" over the moment I myself let it happen. I faded to the background so this star could shine. I forgot that I am a star that deserves to shine too.
"I" still appears in our relationship. "I" always will. But "WE" are in this together. WE are back again. We love one another. We love I. We accept I. But We comes before I now...
Loves.
2 comments:
And how did you get the 'we' back from the 'I'? That's where my Jack and I are at...
I think for J and I, we came to a point where we had to look at each other. We had to really look at the person sitting across from us and remember why we love, honor, and respect this person. It was very important for the both of us to remember the value that this person has brought to our life. And we had to bring back communication. I myself had stepped back to let him soar, and with that went my voice. Talk. That is the short answer to your question. Just talk. Deep, intimate, just you and them, talk.
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