So this is it.. No more excuses. No more time to pass. Today is the day it happens in my life. Jack and I started this blog to document his transition. I am jumping on this transition train as well. Before you freak out, no I am not transgendered. I am, however, tired of being the fat girl on this hot studs arm. I have a goal. Within the next year, I want to start a burlesque troupe. To reach this goal, I am going to have to start a life change within myself first. I love the curves of my body, but feel there should be a bit less body to go along with those curves. You only have one life to live, and damn it you have to live it to the fullest! 10 days ago, my dad lost his battle with cancer. One night ago he came to me in my dream. Today, I start the change in my life.
I have come to realize today that I can no longer be a victim. I AM A SURVIVOR! If the world knows what skeletons live in your closet, they have nothing to hold against you. I am going to put my skeletons out there so that I have nothing to hide behind anymore. I was sexually abused as a child. I grew up with a mother that only cared about perfection. I have had an eating disorder for close to 20 years. I am a mother who lost her children to my own mother because of who I am, a queer femme. My children are bi-racial. I live in a state that will go down in a blaze of confederate glory before they will let queers raise children. I am a passive activist who needs to get off her ass and start doing my part to change the world. When shit gets hard, I bail. I am in constant fear of disappointing those around me. I disappoint myself on a daily basis. I can no longer put up perfection for appearances. My flaws are beautiful! Its time to embrace them. I lost 17 years with my dad because I listened to my mother. When my father died, I kept thinking why him and not her? I am, today, letting go of the hate I have in my heart, because it is only keeping ME down. My family is not perfect and that is ok. I went to school for a career that I did not choose, it was chosen for me. I do not want to be a nurse anymore. I love fashion and I think its time I start pursuing that. I am talented and will not waste it for one more day! I am in love with a boy that has girl parts and fuck anyone that doesn't accept that! My dad and that side of my family love him and that is all that matters! The saddest and happiest day was reading my dad's obituary, Jack was listed next to my name as a survivor... I got the message daddy... Thanks!
So this is the plan.. Today starts the rest of my life... Our life! I am not going on a diet, but I am going to start treating my body and my self as a palace instead of a dumping ground. I will shine her and buff her and make sure she knows everyday how fucking loved she is. I will work her and honor her and most importantly... I will love her as he already does....
No more excuses... No more hiding... This is it.... Now if you will excuse me, I have to JUMP!!!!!
We are all in this together...Loves~ JGirl
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Just being who I am...wish you all could see....
Ok, this is a blog and an issue that I've been milling around in my head for a while now. I am struggling so much with the actuality of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. Me. But...in order to truly be me, I have to tell people who I am now, and how to handle that. I am no longer "she" I am no longer "K" One reason I thought of this this particular morning is because I am back on Facebook, as J. And I've seen several people from my past that I would like to befriend, but they won't know who the hell I am. So, this means a friend-ask along with a freaking explanation. Ugh, I don't want to explain to everyone who I am now, can't they just see it and understand it and not make me do the hard stuff? Yeah, apparently not. No one said this transition would be easy. But more and more I'm isolating myself in order to not have the discomfort of telling people. Which is totally lame, I know. But I don't want to be the poster-child trans man for my past friends. Part of me thinks, "hey, we haven't really been in touch as friends in the past, why act like now we can reconnect" Why bother?
Basically I am a chicken shit. I live in such a protected world where my GF is my biggest supporter and my close friends are as well. Why step out of this perfect nice world where I am safe and comfortable? Why put myself through people's prejudices and loathing. My girl and I discuss this on occasion,(whenever she can get me to talk about it) She's gently guiding me into telling people, quietly explaining that I am starting to look and sound like J and no longer K. It's going to only become more uncomfortable when I no longer look like I did. I guess "telling" isn't quite the word she uses, "explaining" is probably more like it. She never wants me to do anything that I'm uncomfortable with and has been so patient with my incessant fears. But in the end, she is right. There are just some people I HAVE to explain myself to. Some people I have to come out to. Which I am finding now is one of the hardest things I think I will ever have to do. But, I know when that day comes where that monkey is off my back, I will feel light as air and can be completely 100% me. The me that I love, the me my GF loves, and the me that my friends love....and in time, the me that my family and old friends shall love as well, or if not love, at least see the real me.
Basically I am a chicken shit. I live in such a protected world where my GF is my biggest supporter and my close friends are as well. Why step out of this perfect nice world where I am safe and comfortable? Why put myself through people's prejudices and loathing. My girl and I discuss this on occasion,(whenever she can get me to talk about it) She's gently guiding me into telling people, quietly explaining that I am starting to look and sound like J and no longer K. It's going to only become more uncomfortable when I no longer look like I did. I guess "telling" isn't quite the word she uses, "explaining" is probably more like it. She never wants me to do anything that I'm uncomfortable with and has been so patient with my incessant fears. But in the end, she is right. There are just some people I HAVE to explain myself to. Some people I have to come out to. Which I am finding now is one of the hardest things I think I will ever have to do. But, I know when that day comes where that monkey is off my back, I will feel light as air and can be completely 100% me. The me that I love, the me my GF loves, and the me that my friends love....and in time, the me that my family and old friends shall love as well, or if not love, at least see the real me.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Death and Dying...
The Circle of Life. We are born. We grow up. We live life. We die. And if we are lucky, we live life to the fullest and with few regrets. 2 weeks ago tonight, I got the dreaded phone call. It was my dad, crying on the other line. "Erica", he said, "Its not good." I responded, "Its pancreatic cancer isn't it." "Yes", he said.
You are never ready for that phone call. Your life connection, with this person on the other end, flashes before you. You remember the way they held you as a child. The many jokes that were played against one another. And you remember this persons life. Did he do what made him happiest? Yes he did. Did he do the best he could in every situation? Yes, for the most part he did. Are you prepared to say goodbye? No. No I was not ready for this. I called Jack as soon as I got off the phone with my dad. All I could say was how not ready for this I was. When is anyone ready for something like this?
I quickly pulled it together. I had to get there. I had to get to him. I flew out on that Monday. I was met by my little sister and my sister-in-law. We got the phone call to go straight to the hospital. Dad was in route. It was there, in that ER, that I caught my first glimpse of the strong man I had remembered. Strong he was not. He was weak and tired. The doctor told him that if he made it to Wednesday, he would be surprised. Besides the cancer in the pancreas, it had crept into his small bowel and liver. On top of that, there was a blood clot in his lung. There is nothing that can be done. Could this guy not get a break...
We took dad home and started getting his affairs in order. Then came Tuesday night. A night none of us will ever forget. Dad turned his music on and song by song we began to dance and laugh and completely, 100% live in that moment. Memories were made that night! Our cup runneth over...
I flew home last night. I had to tell my father goodbye and get one last kiss and hug in before leaving. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. To kiss someone goodbye that you know you will really never see again is heart wrenching. He told me he was so proud of me and then he whispered something in my ear. I have not spoken these words. I cry as I type them. " Our last chance was our best kid. You will always be my girl. I love you." And with that, I turned and walked out of this childhood home that held so many memories. I left him with a piece of my heart, and took a piece of his with me.
Upon my arrival to our home airport, I came up the escalator and there was the only other boy that has ever held my heart. My Jack. I melted into him for a moment. I needed to just breathe him in. And that is exactly what I did... My dad let me go...And Jack caught me...
Loves to you all....
"Be strong. And when you haven't the strength left, close your eyes and let all this love surround you..." Meet you in my dreams daddy....
You are never ready for that phone call. Your life connection, with this person on the other end, flashes before you. You remember the way they held you as a child. The many jokes that were played against one another. And you remember this persons life. Did he do what made him happiest? Yes he did. Did he do the best he could in every situation? Yes, for the most part he did. Are you prepared to say goodbye? No. No I was not ready for this. I called Jack as soon as I got off the phone with my dad. All I could say was how not ready for this I was. When is anyone ready for something like this?
I quickly pulled it together. I had to get there. I had to get to him. I flew out on that Monday. I was met by my little sister and my sister-in-law. We got the phone call to go straight to the hospital. Dad was in route. It was there, in that ER, that I caught my first glimpse of the strong man I had remembered. Strong he was not. He was weak and tired. The doctor told him that if he made it to Wednesday, he would be surprised. Besides the cancer in the pancreas, it had crept into his small bowel and liver. On top of that, there was a blood clot in his lung. There is nothing that can be done. Could this guy not get a break...
We took dad home and started getting his affairs in order. Then came Tuesday night. A night none of us will ever forget. Dad turned his music on and song by song we began to dance and laugh and completely, 100% live in that moment. Memories were made that night! Our cup runneth over...
I flew home last night. I had to tell my father goodbye and get one last kiss and hug in before leaving. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. To kiss someone goodbye that you know you will really never see again is heart wrenching. He told me he was so proud of me and then he whispered something in my ear. I have not spoken these words. I cry as I type them. " Our last chance was our best kid. You will always be my girl. I love you." And with that, I turned and walked out of this childhood home that held so many memories. I left him with a piece of my heart, and took a piece of his with me.
Upon my arrival to our home airport, I came up the escalator and there was the only other boy that has ever held my heart. My Jack. I melted into him for a moment. I needed to just breathe him in. And that is exactly what I did... My dad let me go...And Jack caught me...
Loves to you all....
"Be strong. And when you haven't the strength left, close your eyes and let all this love surround you..." Meet you in my dreams daddy....
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