Ok, this is a blog and an issue that I've been milling around in my head for a while now. I am struggling so much with the actuality of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. Me. But...in order to truly be me, I have to tell people who I am now, and how to handle that. I am no longer "she" I am no longer "K" One reason I thought of this this particular morning is because I am back on Facebook, as J. And I've seen several people from my past that I would like to befriend, but they won't know who the hell I am. So, this means a friend-ask along with a freaking explanation. Ugh, I don't want to explain to everyone who I am now, can't they just see it and understand it and not make me do the hard stuff? Yeah, apparently not. No one said this transition would be easy. But more and more I'm isolating myself in order to not have the discomfort of telling people. Which is totally lame, I know. But I don't want to be the poster-child trans man for my past friends. Part of me thinks, "hey, we haven't really been in touch as friends in the past, why act like now we can reconnect" Why bother?
Basically I am a chicken shit. I live in such a protected world where my GF is my biggest supporter and my close friends are as well. Why step out of this perfect nice world where I am safe and comfortable? Why put myself through people's prejudices and loathing. My girl and I discuss this on occasion,(whenever she can get me to talk about it) She's gently guiding me into telling people, quietly explaining that I am starting to look and sound like J and no longer K. It's going to only become more uncomfortable when I no longer look like I did. I guess "telling" isn't quite the word she uses, "explaining" is probably more like it. She never wants me to do anything that I'm uncomfortable with and has been so patient with my incessant fears. But in the end, she is right. There are just some people I HAVE to explain myself to. Some people I have to come out to. Which I am finding now is one of the hardest things I think I will ever have to do. But, I know when that day comes where that monkey is off my back, I will feel light as air and can be completely 100% me. The me that I love, the me my GF loves, and the me that my friends love....and in time, the me that my family and old friends shall love as well, or if not love, at least see the real me.
1 comment:
I so understand how you feel. My husband and I have gone through the very same thing. It does get easier as the transition goes along. After all, it is not easy to ignore those changes in your appearance after a certain point and you will come to embrace them openly more and more. There just isn't always a way around that.
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