NO SOUP FOR YOU! :)

Acorn Squash Soup

3 acorn squash
1 tsp nutmeg
½ tsp cumin
1 tsp salt
¼ tsp pepper
1 T honey
¼ c heavy whipping cream
1 onion
¼ c red wine
1 whole garlic bulb
3 T Olive Oil
6-7 fresh basil leaves

Cut raw acorn squash into quarters. Remove seeds, leave skin for now. Put in stock pot with around 4 c of water. Bring to a boil and simmer for about 15 minutes or until soft but not too mushy. Let cool well because you’ll need to remove the skins, some of it will just peel off and some needs to be cut. Keep 2 c of the boiling water.

While cooking squash, have a whole garlic bulb wrapped in foil, roasting in a 400 degree oven for about 20 minutes. Make sure to toss the bulb in the oil and pour the remaining oil on the foil. It is easier to deal with the roasted garlic if you cut off the top to expose all the cloves a wee bit.

Also, slice onion into small slices and start caramelizing. Keep cooking on low heat until brown, clear and soft. Then add the red wine to a high heat and cook of a bit of it and create sort of “gravy” or a reduction if you’re fancy. This too can take about 20 minutes or so. It’s important for the texture to not burn the onions but caramelize them completely.

Allow all ingredients to cool a bit after cooking. After removing skin from squash, cut into 1” size chunks or so and blend until smooth; at this time, include the honey. You will want to use some of the left over cooking water to create the consistency of your liking. I made it equivalent to infant baby food. :)
Place blended squash into cooking pot and add spice mixture. Put on low heat as you prepare the other items to add. Blend reduced onions, roasted garlic, and basil leaves together until nice and smooth. You can use some more of the squash cooking water if necessary. After blended nicely, mix in with squash and mix well and start heating slowly. When thoroughly heated, stir in whipping cream to create a nice smooth texture. You can serve with some fresh basil and I also served some raisin toast sans butter for dipping into the soup.


Dis some good shit main....................
Enjoy...........
J

Holla if you're hungry!

Last night I got in a cooking mood. Well, I actually already pre-cooked some squash to make squash soup on Sunday and didn’t get around to it so it was either now or never with those poor squash. But I knew I wanted a creamy smooth style soup. I’m actually not much for “chunky” soups. I like my soup smooth and easy, just like my girl, just kidding…about her not my soup preference. So one thing I love with acorn squash is honey. Oh man a baked acorn squash with butter and honey is divine! So I’m rambling around in my pantry and come up with what I think will make a good soup. I’ve learned over the years to be creative since I’ve lived in situations where funds were limited or the ability to just take a quick jaunt to the store was out of the question. I decided to go with the whole fall season theme which usually means a bit of nutmeg and honey, throw in some cumin, salt, and black pepper and there’s the spice mix. I caramelized onions and made a red wine reduction sauce, then finished off my ingredients list by roasting some garlic and adding in some fresh basil. It turned out better than I anticipated. I blended everything together nice and smooth and put in a stock pot to heat. At the last minute, I add a wee bit of whipping creme. It was so good. Sometimes I surprise myself with my cooking ability. I do love to cook but to do it right takes time. With getting older, I try to think about exactly what I want my next career to be. And sometimes chef comes up. But I watch these chef shows and see exactly how stressful it is. Plus I have a good friend who’s a chef and it’s been a bit hard on him to find good employment in our area. So, I think that’s just one of those pipe dreams that if you could choose everything about your dream, every detail….then I would choose to be a chef. But, I do love to just cook a good meal at home and watch my girls eyes light up when she takes her first bite. She particularly like the soup last night. Which I paired with cinnamon raisin toast. Sounds weird but it was good!
Speaking of cooking, I need to bring back my Sunday brunches. When I was single, I used to invite friends over to Sunday brunch after we partied Saturday night. It then took off and other friends were hosting it. It was fun and a nice ending to the weekend. I don’t know exactly why we haven’t done it in a while, well…yes I do…we’ve been super stressed and super poor. But I’m thinking that’s just what we all need. Some of my famous homemade biscuits and shitake gravy….damn, I’m so hungry.
So, tonight I will be making chili, crock-pot chili. I love making things in my giant crock-pot. Mainly because I’m kind of neurotic when I cook (imagine that) and I will watch a pot to death. But for some reason, crock-pots do the cooking for me so I can relax about it. Thank god chili weather is here! Ha, get it, “Chilly” weather? Mmm, ok enough about food. It’s almost lunch time and I think I have a date with some soup! Later…………………
P.S. If anyone wants the soup recipe, comment your request and I'll try to put it in recipe form for ya.

It's a juggling act...and I'm not such a great juggler!

So these past several weeks have just been quite turbulent, my emotions have run from frighteningly angry to a strange despair to quiet acceptance and back again. To start off the ride, I hurt my back. Now I do physical work so I’m used to a sore back occasionally after work. But I’ve never really hurt my back to the point which I stop what I’m doing, try not to drop to my knees, and take deep breaths to evaluate the seriousness of the injury. And when I couldn't’ twist my body to the left without taking my breath away I figured I had fucked some shit up! So, I kind of stood in the garden for a moment, quite unsure of the next step. Then realized I needed to go into the administrative office and tell HR. Well, they were thrown off a bit I think because I’ve worked at my company for 10 years not with no Work Comp complaints so I think they weren’t sure I was serious at first. But, I was serious. Basically I ended up at a chiropractor which wasn't a big deal. He helped and I recovered, thank god because then my girl ended up in the hospital and had to have surgery. I'll let her write about that though. Thankfully she's better and our lives are possibly back on track. We are almost there with the house, finances, and ourselves...almost. :)
My goal for right now is to get my body back under control. When is so freaking hot outside, the last thing I want to do is work out or any physical labor for that matter, unless I'm getting paid to do it.
(I wrote part of this blog a while back so I hope it isn't too disjointed...well, at least more than normal!)
Things are going ok as far as my job. I've basically accepted the changes of the guard here and am just trying to make it work. No use fighting something I have no control over. The rumor is my department will go back to where it was and I won't work for such a c*nt anymore. (btw, I hate that word normally, I only use it in extreme circumstances to prove my true disdain for someone.)
I also applied for a similar position elsewhere and was called in for an interview but the guy never called me back to let me know the exact time. With my low self esteem professionally, I was mildly upset. But I know someone at that company who called their HR department and apparently they haven't filled the position and are notoriously slow at hiring. I really just want this job for my back pocket in case all hell breaks loose here even though it would be a significant pay cut. Which if you're a regular reader, you might have noticed I'm not the best with the funds I have now....let alone a large pay cut...I'd be screwed. Ha.
The great thing is that I seem to now have a sense of pride about who I am now. It's not as hard for me to tell people to call me by my boy name. Or to just come out and let people in on what's going on with me. And if I were to get that job, that's just what I would do. I think now that I look the part these days, it's actually easier and more simple to request my boy name and pronouns even in professional situations where my legal name is a dead give away. It just makes more sense to call me Jack.
Man, I feel like it's been so long since I've written a blog which it has. And I have so much to say but not so much time to tell it. Grrrr, that's another small issue at home....we are currently without Internet. But thinking that shall change soon if all goes well.
Like I said above...it's a juggling act...some days it's with tennis balls, some days it's with knives......just when you think it's safe with the tennis balls, one hits you in the eye! Be safe ya'll...and I promise to not have such a random, nonsensical post next time....just needed to check in and let you know we aren't dead!
Later!
J

Eat, Pray, Love...Now what?

So today I went and viewed the screening of "Eat Pray Love".. I knew going in to this film the utter disdain of the life I am currently leading (relationship excluded), but had no idea that I would be affected so powerfully by this single movie viewing. I felt, as I watched, that this was my life playing out before me. Not this life that I am currently leading, but the life that lies before me. My possible future if the right road was taken on this journey. It left me with a feeling of empowerment. Not empowerment like "I'm going to take this Arkansas life I am leading, nursing and all, and show them who's boss" but more like, "I should sell everything I own, buy some sarongs, and take off on a jet plane to any country but USA and just be ME!"

I can't take it anymore... I want to be free. We work to pay bills for all these materialistic things we own or are currently purchasing. Why? Why am I continuing in this cycle? What the fuck in 30 years will it matter that I worked as a nurse to pay for a $60 water bill? What the hell does it matter that I own my own vehicle? I mean, wouldn't a Pinto make me just as happy if it was also paid for? And perhaps it would make me even more joyous if I was driving that Pinto in Bali or India!

I can't help but imagine a life so freeing that I can leave and go to another destination at any time on my own schedule. I long for that freedom.. And another thing.. I need to forgive myself. And forgiveness can not be accomplished in this hell I am currently in. It is my own hell, but hell none the less. So back to the forgiving part of this. I need to forgive myself for not running to another country when the court date was set and I lost my children because I was in a lesbian relationship. I need to forgive myself for the decades I have let food (lack of or over abundance of) lead my life. All those nights of sleeping with other people just for my own self worth. All those scars that body bares. I have a lot of forgiving to do.

Maybe this year, 2010, has been a bit traumatic and has led me to this moment in time. Or maybe I am losing my ever loving mind. But maybe, just maybe, I am at the crossroads I have needed to be at and the time had come. Of course I could be having an early mid-life crisis as well! I mean, I did look at my toes today and for a second wonder if they (a plastic surgeon) could get rid of the gigantic wrinkles I found, with juvaderm! Ok, so maybe I am rambling and maybe this bottle of wine has left me asking too many damn questions. But maybe not...

Eat Pray Love.. Now what?

Hell if I know, but I will figure it out.. I always do!

Much Love,
J-Girl

What are you gonna do...

You wake up and realize this is your life. Wake up to that annoying sound of an alarm clock, rollover, and start the day. Time to get up and go to a mundane job to pay bills for materialistic things you have acquired in life. This life. You dread every minute... So what are you gonna do?

What you want to do is throw in the towel and sell everything you have. You want to pull up these roots you have planted and take off in a cozy Minnie Winnie. Hit the open road.. Drive to roadside museums like the Vacuum Museum because who goes to places like that? I mean, have you ever known anyone that has been to the Vacuum Museum? Me either... But I want to...

So at what point do you get to do that? When your 80 and retired? Blah! Life is too short.. We need to enjoy it now! But wait... I'm an adult with responsibilities. "I have to go to work." But why do I have to go to work? Because there are bills to pay and a life that has to be led. But who's life is this? This is what old people do. Am I really that age that I thought was so old when I was younger? Yes I am. But I still dream of running away with the love of life, to enjoy life. I want to go to Greece and pluck real olives from a branch and enjoy every moment of eating real Greek olives. I want to gather a bundle of real grapes from an Italian vineyard and feel them pop in my mouth. I want to feel the burst in my mouth of an actual farm peach that I have gathered with my own hands. I want to dance in the streets of a quaint little village that we have stumbled upon...

Snap back to reality... What am I gonna do? Well that annoying sound is alarming.. Time to get up... but first I am going to rollover and kiss the love of my life good morning... And then cuddle up next to him and snooze for just 5 more minutes....

Much love,
J-Girl

The Journey Continues...

Day to Day to life continues.. Jack and I have had a busy 2 weeks.. Our journey has led us 6 hours away to a top surgeon for Jack. It led us through excitement, heartbreak, and alas to hope! We then were led to a concert, The Cliks, that was amazing! The highlight was definitely meeting and talking to Lucas Silveira of The Cliks. As you can see below, Jack was beside himself... Inside anyway! LOL So we are both crushing on this boy that we met and how fun that is!

Now we have a facebook account to keep you, our dear readers, up to date on the needs and wants of the upcoming event "Chest Away Cabaret". What we know and trust is that you are a talented group with big hearts. This we have always known and loved about each and everyone of you! We are blessed to have you in our lives! Thank You All!!!!!!

So now comes the time to announce the goal we have set and tell you our most important needs. We will keep a running goal so that you can see what is happening and how far we have to reach! The Goal is $7000. We have set a goal to reach this by January 2011. Anything over that goal will go into an account to help other transgender persons with surgery in the future. Jack and I have discussed the possibility of exceeding our goal and feel that this is the right thing to do.. Pay It Forward!

So here is a list of needs... I have spoken to some of you about helping already and love that every single one of you I have talked to has said the same thing, "Whatever you need me to do, I am there." In this world, connections make all the difference, and all of you have them.. Thank you for pulling the "favor" card for this boy that we adore... And now the list:

1. A Venue- We need this donated, so if you have connections, work your magic! We need a great space and are shooting for the middle of November! Evening preferred...

2. Singles- We are planning a " Bid for a Bachelor" at the Cabaret, and would love to sell you! Hey, your our friends and selling your ass is for a good cause! How much do you LOVE Jack?

3. Performers- Kings, Queens, Burlesque, Belly Dancers, Fire Eaters.. We want it all!!! If you have a talent, we want to exploit it! (We will house out of townees)

4. Bands- We know a lot of you are talented in instrument and voice.. We wanna hear it and share it!

5. Items- We will be having a "Silent Auction" during this party and are looking for art, clothes, handbags, shoes and of course services! Hotel rooms, Hair, Make-up, ect. Our hope is to put some services together as an awesome package or 2!

6. Volunteers- We will need both behind the scenes and during the action help!

So there you have it.... We are putting it out in the universe and looking to you, our bright shining stars...

Much Love~ J-Girl

I've never wanted to be a rock star......

Most kids have rock stars that they worship for a little while. Sometimes it's about wanting to be that person, sometimes it's wanting to live their lifestyle, and sometimes it's just that you can see yourself in them. I wasn't really ever one that necessarily worshiped rock stars. Now, don't get me wrong, I had the Metallica, Poison, and Guns and Roses posters all on my bedroom walls. Partially cause I dug the music and partially that was the only thing I did blatantly that my father didn't like. I so wanted to be a rebel and tell my dad to fuck off, but I was weak. Not to mention, the wrong words would cause pretty severe punishment, but that's another blog. So posters of annoying hair bands was as "rebelistic" as I got. But all that subtle rock-star love changed this weekend. We went to Hot Springs on Friday night with a great group of friends to see a band. And not just any band. The Clicks. You might have heard of them. They are from Canada. So, that is pretty amazing alone, that a Canadian rock band came to little old Hot Springs. But what got me excited was that the guy who essentially IS the Clicks is a transman. His name is Lucas and he is a doll...a hottie...I say shyly as I blush. The venue was small and intimate, my favorite place to see a good band. So after the show, the girls were gushing to go talk to him...and for me to meet him. I think they just wanted to use me (the token transman) as their segue into a converstation or a party at the hotel, which ever came first...naughty girls!
So as usual, I was shy. I didn't want to run up to him and act like a rabid fan, even if I felt that inside. I've always had this weird thing about meeting musicians and movie stars, I don't want to seem like I am some weird obnoxious fan. Just a regular person who is just as cool as they are, just not famous. (I know, there goes my ego....jumping right on out there! Haha) But after much coaxing...I went with everybody...and the poor guy seemed a bit overwhelmed. He literally just stepped off the stage about 10 minutes before so he was probably trying to come down off that performance high or exhaustion, not sure which.
Anyway, pictures were taken, merch was purchased. Smiles, flirts, etc. He's totally adorable for sure! I had dreams of him playing at my benefit. But of course that is probably something that musicians of any particular "group" get asked all the time. Hey will you do "this" for me because we are so alike on "that" one small level. But you know, a boy can dream and fantasize all he wants. :)
But all in all, it was a great joy to shake his hand and pose for copious pictures. I was charmed and it felt good to finally meet a musician that I had similarities with. That "was like me" so to speak. And, I finally found one I could gush over. I think I'm finally in love with a rockstar..... *wink wink*

pic by Brandy Sterling aka artist extraordinaire from da hood! ;) much love B.
*EDIT* Pic by Taylor Johnston aka coiffure artist and Brandy's beeatch, in da hood! hahaha LOVES Tay Tay!

When pride has to take a back seat....

Friday July 30th marks the day when I took another step towards my transition. I went to a consultation with a top surgeon. I was planning on having several consultations but after meeting this doctor and his staff, I have decided to go with Dr. Raphael in Texas. I met Dr. Brownstein once at a conference and he gave me a packet of his pricing and explained in detail his surgery procedure and though I thought his procedure was great, his pricing was comparable, I decided that San Fran would be too far for me, not feasible monetarily. And though I haven’t met or talked with Dr. Garramone, my third choice, I once again thought about the feasibility of going to Florida.
So, I’ve chosen Dr Raphael and even though the parking lot was full of high end cars, the waiting room full of high end people, they made me feel comfortable. They all called me by the right pronoun and name. Even when I had to hand the receptionist my driver’s license, I shyly said my legal name is on that, she smiled and said ok…like she already knew that’s what it would be. It was a surreal experience. I have plenty of friends who support me. I pass pretty well these days out in public so it was really great for a professional group of people who KNOW what’s up, didn’t judge and treated me with respect.
So after the meeting with the doctor and his charming assistant, I was elated! He told me that I had great pectoral definition and I can expect great results. He seemed excited at the prospect of sculpting my chest. Though he may act that way with anyone, he seemed generally pleased about the prospects of me having a great male chest. Though at this point, that isn't such an issue, I’d rather just have my chest flat than to have the incorrect gender signifiers attached to my chest. But of course everyone wants their body to have that "perfect" look that society expects of us humans, whether you admit it or not. So I was quite pleased at his positive outlook.
Now the downside, in the packet we were given were the names of several medical credit companies they use. You can apply online with all of them so that's exactly what I did once we returned to the hotel room. I was concerned because even though when I purchased my house I had excellent credit; things have fallen apart little by little. First, just buying the house adds a big debt. Then some medical bills came back to haunt me. Then we became a one income household for a wee bit and so bills got paid but usually late. Anyway, I know this isn't an issue any other human hasn't faced out there. But I was hoping things were on my side and that wouldn't hurt my chances at the medical credit....well, it did. I was denied...every time! So let's just say that put a damper on the whole experience. I should have waited I guess for a little while longer.
So now, it's come to this....that wee little button above that says donate. Grrr, I hate asking for help. I'd rather chew my arm off than ask someone to open the trap. Some sort of stupid pride I suppose. Plus, some of you on my readers list I know personally, and love you all but we aren't the Rockefeller or Walton bunch. So, I am going to gather some things together to sell. Put my savings reserved for house emergencies just for surgery and if it happens that far out, my tax return. So little by little I know we will get it. I'm possibly going to see if insurance is even an option AT ALL. The Doctor didn't seem too positive about that though, plus I bet I'd need to pay in advance anyway. But I will exhaust all methods till I have $6750 in my "Chest-Away Cabaret" account and then I'll send all my donors pics! ;) I mean, we might have to make a calendar of all the cute boys I know. Give me ideas on what you would like for your donation if you chose to give one...:)
And my wonderful girlfriend and friends are planning a soiree as a fundraiser. Another thing that makes me a bit uneasy....but once again, I'll step back and swallow my pride. So details will come available once the plan is in place. But the name, Chest Away Cabaret hints to some of the theme...so be prepared. And hope to see everyone.
Later,
J

Chest Away Cabaret... The Announcement!

Less than 24 hours ago, J and I returned from our road trip. J had a consultation with a surgeon about 6 hours away. The MD was impressed with J's pec muscles and seems excited about the ending results of J's "Chest Reconstruction". To say my boy was on Cloud 9... Well talk about the understatement of the year... But now comes the hard part! The "Debbie Downer" of this entire experience. The Finances! We need to gather roughly $7000. So to our friends and followers we turn. As you can see, we have added a "Donate" button to our blog. It was a hard decision for us to make, as both of us struggle with asking for help, but we know the hearts of all of you and know that you love this boy! And so we put out to the universe our need and wait for victory to come!

Please use the "Donate" button as you can... Any amount will deduct from the need.. From $1 to $7000, Our goal is set and now the journey begins.... Thank you in advance for your support, and thank you always for your love...

Yours, J-Girl

PS: Continue to watch for reports of the upcoming Fundraiser Extravaganza " CHEST AWAY CABARET".....

Totally Random Work Avoidance Post

So this past week I got my desktop computer up and running a wee bit smoother. It is quite old, but it was free and I just want it for music downloads and an occasional web surf. So after I finally got all the bullshit windows updates downloaded and installed, I downloaded a pretty good music program. One that is NOT iTunes! This one organizes music, downloads podcasts, and syncs with my pod (everything iTunes does without the bullshit).
And that's all I want a music program to do…every time I’ve installed iTunes, it crashes my old computer…plus several times it has totally lost all my music. Luckily I have iTunes on several computers as a back up. So anyway, I went about downloading some stuff, mainly pop music. Not my fave but I was having an impromptu party on Saturday night so I wanted to make sure I had some dance tracks for the masses. But one song in particular I downloaded was an Eminem and Rihanna song, ‘I love the way you lie’. I have to say, a wee bit shamefully, I LOVE THIS SONG! For some reason it totally speaks to me somehow. Not because I want to kill my girlfriend or anything, but I can relate to having that situation where you have done something really bad, something someone shouldn’t forgive you for, but they do…because of love. Love can be a seriously powerful thing. I say thing because it’s hard to describe what love is. Love can be great, awesome, but sometimes it can suck and make one fall into the lowest of the lows.
My family unit was never one to say I love you out load. We just kind of knew it. It was just one of those unsaid things like, your hair looks like shit, or you need to lay off the beer. We KNOW those words to be true, so why say them out loud. So this leads me to my gigantic quandary of the millennium, my gorilla on my back, my trumpeting elephant standing on my bed daily. Telling my parents I am a transgender man. Fuck if I cannot say these words to them, I think I’m treating it like I have treated all of our major emotional situations, without words….they should just fucking know. Grrrrr
I have a consultation this week with my first surgeon. Things are getting more real, more serious. How am I going to approach this when I have my surgery scheduled? I think I should tell them before I get so deeply into things so they can process one step at a time. I think it is unfair of me to lay it all on them and they'll have to process it all at once AND have to worry about my health during a surgical procedure, which by the way, my mom has had to go through because of cancer. Ugh, see….it’s not so easy. She is not going to understand due to her own “baggage” why I would even want to willfully remove my chest. I have to make them see me as male. Somehow I need my dad to let go of his concept that I’m his “little girl” Something that should have gone away long ago given my butch tomboy tendencies as a kid anyway. I believe this is why he and I didn’t get along when I was a teenager. I was not acting or behaving or looking anything close to “Daddy’s little girl” concept.
Ok, creepies….not it THAT way! But seriously, I think every father envisions their daughter as prim and proper and full of sugar and spice. Unfortunately for him, I got the snails and puppy dog tails.
So here we are, yet another post about telling my folks, another post realizing the issue but not finding the resolve. Maybe I can call up Eminem and have him hook a brother up…dude, write a song about this and I’ll play it for my parents. The funny thing is, my intention for this blog was going to be about Eminem and how some people love him and some people love him. I have flip flopped on this issue, after the song with Rihanna, I think I understand him a little better and people need to realize that rap doesn’t always have to be about the inner city, being hard, or showing off cars and booty. White trash mo fo’s have problems too, it’s just society is uncomfortable hearing about it. I think I like Eminem now. I think he’s actually pretty talented at capturing that part of life. He’s words are mostly simple but sometimes he has a powerful lyric that moves me to the core. And yes, I realize some of them have been homophobic. Once again, we’ve all made mistakes.
Ok, I’m just rambling at this point…I need to get back to it. I need to quit writing about NOT telling my parents and be able to write one about TELLING them. Every time I’ve seen my Mom since I started transitioning, she’s told me how great I look! And part of me knows that it’s because I FEEL great and that shows. So, when I have my cute little flavor savor, wonder if she’ll say the same thing…I look great because I feel great! haha

P.S. When I spell check this on my word program, it tells me what grade level the particular document is written in...and you guessed it, 7th grade reading level. Wow, I apologize for such basic mundane writing. What can I say, in Arkansas, 7th grade IS the senior year after all. hahahaha

Vibrators and Handbags...

The mind is a funny thing. Humans have their own way of processing and thinking. What is good to one may not be good to the other. The same reigns true when it comes to the differences between men and women, and it all comes down to hormones.

On a recent "Anniversary" of ours, I realized just how true this was. I was so excited that my dearest was coming home from work at noon (something that rarely occurs during the week), so that we could spend the day together. I am thinking grocery shopping together (a task in itself with our 2 non-alike brains) and then.... A stop to show my love the handbag that I have been drooling over and dreaming of for weeks now. (Perhaps I had ulterior motives seeing as how my birthday is coming up in a few short weeks and well, I prefer to pick out my own present when I am this gaga over something.) I am a smart girl and know that you have to plant that seed so my smart boy thinks it was his idea, but lets keep that a secret! So after getting groceries, I suggest we go to said handbag store. I was beyond excited.. My boy was the complete opposite, but like the trooper he is, he didn't protest too much. I should probably say here that he wanted some new sunglasses and that is kind of how I got him to said handbag store, and I didn't think that the only sunglasses they had were women's! OOPS! My love did, however, have a different stop in mind. The local adult store.. He, being the doll that he is, felt that perhaps I needed a new vibrator. Now I must say that though that is a sweet gesture, I do not feel the same need.. When staring at 2 material things that are roughly the same price, I would choose handbags over vibrators any day of the week! (Woman Brain) My boy? You guessed it... Complete opposite! If it can somehow lead to sex, it will always be chosen! (Man Brain) Not that I blame him, but I have him for that need/want to be filled, I don't however have the perfect shade of pink wrapped tastefully in a touch of the perfect black with ruffles in the perfect place, HANDBAG! I secretly was wishing that such a beautiful thing that fits perfectly on my arm was coming home with us that day. It didn't. My heart kind of ached when I had to put her down. She was like that cute adorable puppy that waddles over to you and rests its chin on your lap and stares up at you with those big puppy dog eyes that say "Take me home." She already has a name. My body was screaming out with this need.. This want... Daddy squashed that shit real quick... And it was for the best, I suppose, in all reality. Though I must say that Vivie doesn't have to be potty trained!

That night when we went to sleep, I dreamed of my handbag and this blog posting... And this is the conclusion I came to when I awoke... I love his brain. It is sexy and though selfish, thoughtful for the most part.

So what did we come home with that day you ask???

Groceries of course!

Loves, J-Girl

Nomenclature or something of the sort….

So recently a friend decided on his name. That got me thinking I need to seriously come to my naming decision. My problem is that my brother got the family name, the good one anyway. I’ve been rattling ones around….my girl middle name was Lynn. That’s a unisex name. But then my name would be Jack Lynn…get it? Jacqueline? Or some shit…Nope, not that one. Then I started thinking about family names, not the one my brother got but other family names. My paternal grandfather’s name was Mack…so Jack Mack, nope. My paternal grandmother’s maiden name was Russell, so Jack Russell…um, no way! See how difficult this is?
Grrr, it’s about to make my head explode! And my girl is so sweet about it. She tries to help when it comes up. She’s thrown some ideas out there but I just haven’t heard it, the one…the middle name that in the scheme of things doesn’t really matter. So I’ve tried to be strangely logical with things like looking at what my monogram would be. Do I want it to say something or look really cool in old English style script? I mean, because if you know me, you know everything I own is monogrammed…..not! Plus the first letter will be J and the last will be G, so that doesn’t leave very good options for actual words. JOG? So, let’s go with Owen, which was an uncle of mine. Nope, what about Oscar? That was my favorite sesame street character. Oh man, JUG, that could work. I mean a jug of beer or milk. Rhymes with chug, something I’ve never been good at. Oh the brain, my brain….turn it off! U names are quite hard to come up with. How about Uriah, after Uriah Heep, the 70’s English band or Uriah Faber, the California kid, WEC fighter.
See, I am getting nowhere. I look at baby name books to no avail; I glaze over at about the letter F. I’ve thought hard about using Aaron. It rhymes with my girl name and I guess would sound ok with my first name. The problem is I feel it’s too normal, to plain. And I have to say, my first name is a bit plain so I wanted to mix it up with my middle name by making it something unusual. I’ve even thought of my favorite characters out of movies. Yoda is my favorite movie character. But it doesn’t flow together well at all. Other than that, it would be John from the movie the Hunger, and that would break all my personal rules.
It all boils down to this…all my life, I have felt like my girl name was plain, boring and just downright meaningless due to the fact that it’s so 70’s and dull. No one in my family has my legal name. And though my brother was born after me, he got the cool family name. So, add another chip to my shoulder, ha. Oh well, maybe I should just do a dart board method. Or maybe just maybe I should chill the F out and let it come. I can’t really do anything till I have surgery anyway, and I have my first and last so maybe I should be crazy and defiant and leave it at that. Or pull a prince move and create a symbol, course it better be a wingding font so I can print it out for the judge.

Manifesting, manifesting, is that even a word?

So, you may or may not know that like many in the rest of the country, my bank account has been less than stellar. I was whining to a friend recently about "needing this, needing that, wanting this" blah blah consumerism at it's best. Anyway, she was telling me about her system. She makes lists of things her family needs and things they want. We talked about maybe if I write them down, maybe just maybe the stars will align and these things will manifest in one way or another. So here's my written manifestation of items that usually get written way down on the priority purchases list.

Book wish list….in no particular order
Becoming a Visible Man-Jamison Green
Transgender History by Susan Stryker
Transmen and FTM's by Jason Cromwell
Self-Made Men: Identity and Embodiment among Transsexual Men by Henry Rubin
Just Add Hormones-Matt Kailey
The Testosterone Files: My Hormonal and Social Transformation from Female to Male-Max Wolf Valerio
Body Alchemy:Transsexual Portraits by Loren Cameron
Sex Changes: The Politics of Transgenderism – Patrick Califia
From The Inside Out: Radical Gender Transformation, FTM and Beyond by Morty Diamond
This isn’t a book, but a subscription to Original Plumbing would be awesome.
Nine Lives: In Search of the Sacred in Modern India by William Dalrymple*
God Is Not One by Stephen R. Prothero
Religious Literacy: What Every American Needs to Know--And Doesn't by Stephen R. Prothero

*Not sure if any of you know this, but I'd like to go back to school for religious studies. Though it is not exactly supported by my loved ones. So I LOVE comparative religion literature.

This is all for now...don't want to send out greedy vibes to the universe...I might manifest something entirely unwanted. Hahahaha
Anyway, life is good right now minus the financial bumps. I have a surgical consult with a Doc in Plano Tx for top surgery. Still haven't decided who to go to. Need to compare notes between my top surgeons. Cost, Temperament, ease of travel, etc.
So much to consider....when it truthfully boils down to who I can afford. Such is life in the American Health Care monopoly. Care determined by the buck. Shitty indeed!

So, once again...another hurdle jumped!

Two days before my first boithday, I decided to go to my job's HR department and spill the beans. Luckily our HR director is a highly intelligent accepting human being, at least with his HR hat on, but something tells me that's really him. Ok, anyway I went to him after I printed out some info from HRC's website about transitioning at work. Basically I just said, I am trans-gender. This has been a realization I've been coming to grips with for 5 years now and now I'm to the point where changes are becoming apparent and I will be changing my documentation in the very near future. I went in there to tell him but also to ask his advice on how we should proceed with this delicate situation. His answer was very frank, honest, and incredibly reassuring. He said get your ducks all in a row (meaning my paperwork) and we will just do it! No questions asked. He would send out an all staff email telling people what the expectations would be. He basically made it seem too easy. But I trust him and understand his line of thinking. If I have all the paperwork to change the legal side of my employment, i.e. tax papers, then all should be good to go. Make it easy on that side and it should be easy on my side. Basically fire K and rehire J! ha
Now, we know it won't be that simple. But I understand his logic. That if I do everything HR needs to make it "legal" then it would be harder to balk I suppose.
So we'll see...one more thing out of the way. Now, work on getting my surgery then paperwork and then it's a go for work.
Ok, so now some of you might ask what my "boithday" is. Well, a year ago this coming Saturday, I took a shot in my ass that changed my life for the better, made me fell more like who I really am. I have felt so good this past year. I mean, it hasn't come without struggle and won't continue without some struggle but I am pleased with the decision to go ahead with my transition. At first when I was coming to grips with my trans-gender issues, I'd think I would just be me and not do hormone therapy or surgery, but as time went by I found that it was becoming harder to be me without medical assistance. And I'm so happy with me and the me to come! Ok, I quit typing me, oops there it is again. ha
I will celebrate Saturday with guys from my FTM group and their families. Some of them I have yet to meet. So, though this is a monumental occasion and I will be spending it with some folks I don't yet know, that is just fine by me! Plus I'm getting chocolate cake....Hello! Awesome!
Later,
Jack

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Comments????

So fyi...for some reason, comments aren't showing up....changed a few settings hoping that fixes things but who knows....I'm a wee bit Blogger illiterate! I hope we haven't missed any of your wonderful words.....if so, we aren't ignoring you, we just haven't seen them.

And we are off... Almost!

I have to start with a letter...

Dear Vibram,

Thank you so much for not custom making your creepy five finger toe shoes! It is the one want my boy has that makes him a disgusting straight man.. And calms all fears of mine that he will one day scream queen out on me! Much Love!

Ok.. Now that that is out of my system... So J and I are traveling to Wisconsin in what I hope will be close to 24 hours from now. I am torn with emotion right now, but doing a damn good job of holding it in! January 17th of this year my dad passed away from a very short (3 week) battle with pancreatic cancer. To say we were devistated and completely shocked is an understatement, but we made it through. And now, 4 months later, we are having his memorial service. I don't know if you know what northern Wisconsin is like in January, but the spreading of ashes (yes we know it is illegal) on a lake is impossible! It would take driving across the the lake in a truck and then drilling through the 10-12 inches of ice, before you hit water.. And so, needless to say, the service is now June 5th. My dad was a fishing guide. He was a fisherman. Everyday he did in life what made him happy. And so it is only right that his kids gather together and set him free at his favorite spot on the flowage... So here is the hard part. I just want to get there already, but yet I don't want to be there. Clear as mud right? We have had a few months to heal. Now we have to face this darkness again. It will be a celebration of his life, through our broken hearts... I want to remember my dad, but I dont want to live through the pain. But I also know that my brothers and sisters need me. And I need them.

I am thankful J is going to be by my side. I can always count on my boy to be there! Its gonna be a lot of fun.. Summer in the Northwoods ALWAYS is! But can we skip what we now call "Sucky Saturday"? Guess not.... We will try to write from the road a bit.. And thank you too all the Aunties that will be caring for our critter children! Much Love, J-Girl

Yup, I swim real good!

So, this post is going to just be mundane and a wee bit aimless. So, I apologize in advance.
First off I'd like to discuss my appreciation for shoes. I LOVE shoes. If I made better money I would honestly say I was obsessed with shoes, but I won't say that because I don't buy them that often. But right now I do want a new pair...a very specific type of shoe. These shoes to be exact....

But guess what? I have what they officially call simple incomplete syndactyly. WTF? Argh, I have loved my 'deformity' all my life! I love my feet, I think I have super cute toes! Even in church when the high and mighty small town bitches made fun of me, I wasn't deterred from loving them! But oh no....now this company had to go and make SHOES like these! Well thanks a lot....I jokingly said one day maybe they would make me a special pair if I sent them a foot imprint...and guess what I found on their website? This is posted in their FAQ section.
CAN I WEAR FIVEFINGERS IF I HAVE WEBBED TOES OR SYNDACTYLY?
Unfortunately the design of FiveFingers does not accommodate webbed toes or Syndactyly. We are unable to make custom FiveFingers to fit specific foot needs.
Well fuck you Vibram. I don't want your hoity toity yippy shoes anyway. (Yes I do and if a rep is EVER reading this blog, please please please get them to make me some, I will pay extra and be your friend forever!)
hahaha....waiting, waiting, waiting..............

Now onto another subject. My hair, yes...I am weirded out by my hair these days. I'm only going to assume it's due to the T that my hair is changing. It's changing texture, i.e. it's getting curly! I have also due to money restrictions quit getting professional haircuts. Something I think my inner gay boy LOVES to get! So needless to say my hair got pretty long. And was super curly. To the point that I just couldn't do a thing with it! (and that last sentence is said with an accent, which one I am unsure of.) So, I headed to a friends house and had her get out the clippers and her scissors and shore my locks. She isn't a pro btw but she does a good job, plus it's kind of like a salon because her and her girlfriend have a beer fridge with home brew ON TAP! So, hell....pretty much like a salon albeit a dykey one...haha So, my haircut turned out great for a freebie and given that my hairdresser was drinking beer, I am more than pleased.

Two days from today I will be either on my way or in Wisconsin. The timeline is fuzzy only because the girl and I have differing opinions on the schedule. But, there I am ALL boy. I won't have to worry about running into "girl world" friends. Is that even what I should call it? I have no idea how to address that part of me. Any suggestions? Anyway, I am so excited. I pass most of the time these days but get constant reminders of "girl world" from work, family, and just previous acquaintances that I try hard to avoid but in our wee little metropolis, it's difficult. Speaking of which, I have been getting stares more often as of late. Well, I think I have anyway. Even though I used to get stares in my kirk Cobain phase too. But recently I was getting a stare down from an old man. So of course my mind started racing. "He's on to me" or "He fucking knows!" or "Oh shit, this mother fucker wants to kill me.", the last statement is pretty much where my mind went. He just had this look of scorn and hatred. Now, it could have been super unrelated and he wasn't even looking at me, maybe he was constipated and just pissed that he ran out of prunes. Maybe his SSI check hadn't been mailed yet and he was jonesin for some Johnny Walker Red. Who knows, but this made me think...have I always been so paranoid? Will I continue to be this paranoid? The funny thing is, back in the day...I used to stare back with as much hatred and scorn they were giving me. But these days, since I've started on T, I am relatively laid back. I don't have that pent up anger towards society. Now don't get me wrong...I can get super pissed and freak out...but it's quick and over. And I like it that way!
Oh well, whatever...I'm just going to go about my life knowing I'm doing what I want, are they? I'm happy, are they? Probably not....and since I have prunes in my fridge, I'm walking on sunshine, so there mother fucker! hahaha....later, J

Cactus face!

Well, I haven’t blogged in a while, just little (accidental) text snippets here and there. I am a gardener by trade so spring and summer is my busy season.
So an update on how things are going. Things are going well. I feel good, look good, and work has become somewhat stable. Things haven’t been good in the financial department AT ALL. We have been struggling, drowning actually…but luckily my parents helped out. Ugh, I hated asking them especially since I’m in my late 30’s; I should be able to hold my own. Course I have always held my own. When I was young and fancy free I held my own, mainly because my parents had issues with my “hippie” lifestyle of not having a real job and just getting by and living on communes. But that’s a whole other blog.
As you might have noticed, I am trying to let my facial hair grow out. I guess I see it as a rite of passage. Maybe a physical affirmation of who I am, my outside matching my brain. Now, actually the hair on my sideburns is a lot lighter than the picture shows for some reason…but I am damn proud of what’s there.
I struggle with keeping it and feeling good about it and confusing those at work who don’t know about me. I know at some point I’m going to go beyond “a chick with a bit of fuzz” to “full out man” So juggling that has become a bit stressful. I find myself not getting very close to people at work. My hair is blonde so it’s relatively unnoticeable unless you get close or see me in bright lighting. But I want to keep it so bad. And some of you may read this and think why I would put myself through this. Why keep up the charade? Well, I have had my job almost 10 years. And as far as jobs go, it’s a great one in my profession. I am salary, have benefits, and work winters. All three are usually unheard of in the world of landscape. Believe me; I’ve looked around for other employment. Where I could be employed as me, as he, that little gardener dude. But in our area, landscaping/gardening jobs are far and few between anyway especially non-mowing supervisory positions. So needless to say, I’ve put off transitioning at work. I fear that they would find a way to get rid of me. And being closeted and employed is better for me right now than “out” and unemployed. Blah
But I LOVE the facial hair…I feel good about it. I look in the mirror and like what I see, I feel attractive. I mean, I’m vain…but probably not in a healthy way. I’ve always looked at myself and felt that I wasn’t necessarily a dog but something wasn’t quite right….but when I look at the picture below, I feel great about it!
Another reason I’m growing it out is because we are traveling to Wisconsin next week. We are visiting my girl’s family, unfortunately due to her father’s passing this winter. They are having his memorial this time of year because he was a guide fisherman and they are doing a big thing for that. January probably isn’t the best time of year. Anyway, they all see me as me, her boyfriend. And last time I met them I felt that I didn’t “pass” very well. Which didn’t matter but for some reason I need to prove myself as a boy. Which I know is all in my head but this bit of peach fuzz will help I’m sure...or will it? Ha
Maybe we will have time to write on the road. I now have a wee little netbook so I’ll try to document our travels and take some pics for this blog. I know we were starting to get some cobwebs up in here!
Later!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, here we go....the boy has risen! I'm so excited!

Needs ice cream!

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Dreams, Nightmares, and subconcious reality.

So, last night I had the first real nightmare towards my transitioning. The setting took place in Austin Texas at a Drag competition. Funny since the first type of national Drag King event I ever attended was in Austin. And that is where I decided that I am not a Drag King but a transman. I loved dressing like a guy, but not for entertainment, more for my comfort level and happiness. For some reason, though I entertained the notion of being a guy, it never really dawned on me completely that I could be transgendered. I mean, I even knew about the concept so it wasn't like I was unaware. Funny thing how minor events can change your whole life.
Anyway, back to the dream. My friends and I had been partying and were heading to the Drag King competition which was jam packed with people. On the way we stopped off at a bar and I had to go to the bathroom. For some reason the bathrooms were packed and I was having anxiety about using the men's room but I had to because, well...I'm a guy. But there is still that apprehension in real life but in my dream it was exaggerated. So, I decided I would sit in a stall and pretend I was dropping a deuce. (Gotta love "guy speak") But when I sat down, I was immediately confronted by a dude that recognized me from my home town and he was like "you're a girl, why are you in here" And it wasn't anyone I know from my real life but in my dream, apparently I knew him. He was this snippy gay guy who was acting like I was infringing on their "space" Anyway, at this point I did actually use the bathroom and needed to wipe but he wouldn't stop staring and was really invading my privacy. (the stall walls were about chest level) But I was with a bunch of girls so no one could come help me with this issue. I don't remember anymore of the dream beyond that but it's very telling about where my head is at this point.
I'm passing probably 90% of the time now, when I'm not at work. I've started using cash when I pay for stuff so people don't see my legal name on any cards. But I am still having that apprehension when it comes to the bathroom. It's seems to be one of my major hangups right now. Luckily my job has several un-gendered bathrooms so I've starting using those 100% of the time.
Argh, I know exactly what's holding me up and causing these anxieties....not the issues themselves but the fact that I STILL haven't told my parents. And if you keep up with this blog, you see that's a running theme. Jesus Christ already, get the balls that I know I have and fucking tell them. I mean, I cannot go any further with this until I do. I can't just randomly get my chest surgically altered without their knowledge and I can't really change any official documents until they know due to the simple fact of legalities and in the event of a tragedy. That would be a shitty way to spring this on them, "Hi, we are calling you in regards to Jack *&%$#. He was injured in an auto accident and you all are his next of kin."
Ugh...
On a lighter note. Pumping does work, let me just say....I do believe I am blessed and I knew my brain always told me I had a big ole' schlong. ;)

Its really f@&king annoying when its payday and you cant afford a 12pk of pbr.

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Perfect ozark day! Im in love with spring!

52.. Give or Take a Couple...

So April 7th marked our 2 year commitment to one another. Thinking back on all that we have done in that 2 years has been fun, enjoyable and all around interesting. What I remember the most of that 2 years is our constant to one another. Through good times and not so good times, we have managed to still wake up by one another side. It has been said that couples should never go to bed angry. I can't say that this has been completely true for us, but we work at coming to a truce or compromise to remedy any given situation. Its called teamwork, and that is what Jack and I share. Our relationship is cared for and protected by these 2 insane and crazy individuals that some how make it work. I'm proud of that!

So instead of going on a weekend getaway or dropping cash on dinner and a swanky hotel room for hot hotel sex, we decided to decorate our bedroom. We moved into our home almost 1 and a half years ago, and our room is the one room that has been put on the back burner. We decided together that its time to make it our retreat. So Jack got out the tape measure, paper and pencil (because he is the analyzer on the team) and I pulled out of my brain ideas that have been in there for who knows how long (because I am the dreamer in this relationship) and we went shopping! We pull from one another.. That is something that is so cool in our relationship. One person can say "x" and the other one throws "y" with it and for the most part, xy=AMAZING! I can't tell you what we have come up with... But I will tell you that you can't buy it in a store! We are throwing boy and girl together and with any luck, by Sunday, we will be kicking back in what we like to call... Well I can't tell you that either...

Watch for pics on our progress and have a great weekend! And if you are traveling to Diversity, be safe and know we miss you already!! Loves Loves... JGirl

Just a little side job.....ha

Food for my soul!

I was fed on Saturday by the sweet nectar of one of Arkansas best kept secrets. (hopefully) The sweet waters of the Mulberry. Kayaking revives my soul, makes me smile, and really is something that is in my blood, from the first time riding in my Dad's kayak out in the ocean with him. When I was very little, he would put me inside but once I got older, I would ride on the back just on the top.

So even though I was sick for two freaking days...a cold, and quite a nasty one, I got out ON THE WATER! I got the call on Friday asking if I was game...and at the time, I thought shit, I'm sick I really shouldn't. It rained quite a bit on Friday so I knew the water would be flowing and COLD! Meaning...if I fell over, I would be frozen till we got to the take out. That isn't the best recipe for recovering from a cold. But, I just figured what the hell.

We decided on a short trip because it was last minute planning. And the river was at 4 ft which is for experienced boaters only. That way, if one of us fucked up and dumped, we wouldn't be uncomfortable ALL day.
At first when we reached the put in spot I was a wee bit apprehensive. All these folks had their little white water boats with helmets and all the gear. I had my boat, my skirt, and I did have better preps for cold water than my crew but it still was no wet suit! But I didn't care, the sun was out, it was about 68 degrees, and we were about to ride the rapids!

I wore my binder to see how it does in wet conditions. It fared ok but as the day wore on, I felt it sort of conformed to my body more than normal rather than compressing areas of discomfort. So, by the end of the trip, my moobs were somewhat obvious. But I didn't care, I used the men's room anyway. I figured fuck it, it's a camp ground for god sake....who's going to freak out there. As it turns out, there wasn't a line or anything so I was in the clear. haha
I think I love kayaking so much because it's basically a gender neutral event. Well, unless you do the Elk in southern Missouri, then it's obvious what gender you are because lots of the women are showing what god gave them.....and NO I didn't look.

Anyway, kayaking has never made me feel "like a girl" or a guy for that matter. I'm good enough at it so gender isn't an issue. Now, it will be WAY more fun someday in the hot summers when I can go without a shirt! (Top surgery, Yea!!!! Stay tuned for my fundraiser button) That will just make things complete! And legal since in my younger "girl" years I've been known to kayak topless anyway...which is real embarrassing when you meet a friend of your brothers for what you think is the first time, but his first memory of me is on the river........WITHOUT MY SHIRT ON!

Boy? Girl? Boi? Grrl? Ah, whatever…

(This is a forgotten blog, incomplete but I'm posting it anyway....)



Recently I went to the big town of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma to help a friend compete in the Mr. US of A MI contest. Chad Meridian was the 1st runner up for our great state of Arkansas, so he had a spot in the competition, with 43 other competitors!
I went into the situation with a bit of hesitation. Basically, I hate to commit, to most anything. I can commit to a job and I can commit to a girlfriend, but in the past, THAT WAS IT! That was the most anyone was getting out of me. After those two commitments are fulfilled, I’m all about me, me, and me!  So, when my buddy C asked if I would participate, I mulled it over. I worried about it; I pushed myself into just fucking doing it. Why not? It’s not like she’s asking me to move furniture. And one thing I’d like to say about my buddy, she would pretty much do anything for anyone. Now I’m not saying she’s a push over by any means. She is just a nice, honest, genuine person. She has traits I’d like to attain. So, basically I put myself out there and just agreed to help. We practiced once a week for several months; I had the music on my iPod. I actually cared and wanted to do the best I could do. It was actually really fun. I enjoyed helping. Everyone was chipping in to do their part, caring as much as Chad did. It was good to be a part of a group of helpers that wanted to do their best so Chad would shine. And shine he did, in all reality, that boy shined without any of our help. It’s just that magnetic personality, oh…and jumping naked into the pool doesn’t hurt either.

So, off we go. We had to stay at the contestant sponsored hotel. It is a predominately gay hotel, known for gay men cruising each other and using the rooms “by the hour”. I kind of thought it was exciting, intriguing, yet sleazy all at once, a big bundle of naughty and queasy feelings combined. Course, once I started seeing the guys who were cruising, the naughty went away and the queasy became predominate. Anyway, along with helping Chad Meridian with his competition, we were also performing as KISS. I was the drummer. This persona was perfect for me. I could be on stage and rock out but behind the protection of a drum kit. So the first night was performance night. Perfect, get out the performance jitters before we have to be perfect for Chad’s competition. It went well, I had a blast. Even with the spray glue on my chest, fake black chest hair and a deep (and I mean deep) V uni-tard with pleather thigh highs. We rocked it…

FIREWORKS (In Code)

At the end of the 9 month war... The little soldier stood at attention, tall enough to accomplish his mission...

He did more than knock at the door... He stepped in...Only the chain was on...But he stepped in none the less...

He was met by friendly gun-fire and a few cannonballs...But was quickly rescued by a motor boat.. That lost its gas tank...

And so Private Whippersnapper is beginning his long journey... And with any luck, he'll be home in time for Christmas... Though birthday is much preferred... Keep your fingers crossed, I know we are....

Loves to all... JGirl and Jack

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Happy first day of spring!

If today was anymore beautiful, i possibly would shed a tear. Ha

The Ramones AND The White Stripes in one morning!

One thing about me that you all may not know is that when I drive to work, that's when I do my best thinking. I plan out my day, or week and organize projects and tasks in my head....unfortunately, since I AM DRIVING I don't have the chance to write them out...so there is one small flaw in the plan. Anyway, this morning I was thinking of all I have to do in two days before we leave for nationals. I am helping one of my best-est in her drag competition. It's gonna rock! Go Chad! ha
So, one thing I have to do is my blood work for my endo doc. He's all freaked out because my cholesterol went up pretty significantly since I started T. I think it's mainly cause I went from being somewhat vegetarian to craving meat and potatoes. So my body is having to adjust, but I'm not a doctor so I've been cutting down on fatty foods, exercising and the like. But what do I do the night BEFORE I am supposed to get blood drawn? I eat McDonald's! Wow, is that not stupid? I mean, I was lazy and hungry so I just opted for the easiest fattiest meal around! I'm sure it wouldn't affect anything significantly but I do still worry. I don't want my doc to either suggest getting off T, which isn't an option, or put me on some meds. Ugh
Oh well, I forgot my paper with the order today anyway...so, tomorrow it will be.
This weekend I did a few things around the house. I love doing house stuff as long as they go well. I put up some mesh on a part of my gutters that get super clogged by leaves and cause issues....so we shall see how that goes. It was cheap mesh stuff so I'm sure I'll get what I paid for.
So, I guess I need to come up with a blog that is more pertinent to trans issues than just my simple musings. I was asked to participate in a blog group for our local community organization. I have an idea in mind but to be honest, writing is a chore for me these days. The words don't flow as well as they used to. And when they do flow, you get what you guys read here...stuff, in no particular order with a few slight witty comments here and there. Maybe I'll try it out on you guys here and if I could get some feedback. Basically it's an advocacy blog so it would need to be informational and not too personal and you know me, I'm all about personal...have heard the one about my junk? Haha, well...I leave it at that. I have to go get my tags for my truck. I will lie, I will lie about driving it..and park where they can't readily see it. I have issues with lying to authorities. I don't know why, it's not like I respect authority figures or the law. But that my little guardian angel likes to tsk tsk me when I'm about to lie, so....I have to get him drunk before we go...any ideas?

Positivity...try it, you might like it!

Today is a good day. Well, work still sucks but what can I do? I do believe that evil shall not prevail and if I can stick it out...goodness, compassion, and morals will come out ahead. I will just dig in my heels, keep my ethics, and keep on trucking.

But today's post is just going to be an affirmation of sorts...a verbal pick me up on what IS going well in my life. Maybe it will even make some of you smile as once again...I'm gonna talk about my junk a bit later. Ha, and I know how we all love our "junk"

So first off, something that is going well is our relationship, my girl and I. Actually you'd think with all this stress in our lives, me with my job and well, her job situation, we would be at each others throats. Well, that hasn't been the case thank god. We have just realized that things suck right now and to keep a small bit of happiness in our lives, we need to bond together and take it all in stride. And not fuck up things by fighting over the stressers that we really have no control over. So, baby...thank you for putting up with my bad moods. I've tried to keep it together somewhat and not vent too much. That's what this blog is for. ha

Second, I have actually been succeeding in my workout/running plan like I've never done before. Oh I've said many many times to myself..."I'm going to REALLY start working out" or "I'm going to start running." The problem is, I never do. But this time, I'm doing it. I'm running 2-3 times a week. (I know, that's not THAT much but it's better than where I've been) And, I'm working on weights about that much too. And it shows. My body is probably in the best shape it's ever been. I mean when I was a wee young lad, I was quite svelte but as far as fit, I'd say I was just genetically lucky! Well, and I had those pesky girl curves to deal with. Yucky! But now, my shoulders are wider, my thighs are tight and boy shaped and my butt, well, my butt has shrunk and shrunk. It's so tiny and freaking hard! Every time I get my shot now I cry and moan to my girl, she's about to give up and make me do it myself since I've been such a wuss. But, she is so good at it. I know anyone else giving it to me or even giving it to myself, it would be more painful. She's as gentle as an angel. :)

Next has to be how I feel and look. I'm looking at myself in the mirror these days and happy with what I'm seeing. I'm liking my face shape. I'm liking the body shape. I'm liking all the changes that are happening to me. I'm loving the hair that is growing on my body. My girl calls me monkey butt cause my ass is all cute and fuzzy now. My muscle definition is starting to show. I've been muscular before due to my profession, but it always had a layer of fat on top. So, it's never looked the way I imagined it in my mind. Like guys muscles.

And lastly, here we go...my junk. Well, he's getting big. But like any man, I want it bigger. I want people to be impressed with what I have. So I did what any T-blooded transman would do, I bought a pump. Yup, I did. And I used it. I used it quite a bit. I was calling it practice. I said that I need to use it and learn the ins and outs of how it works, how it makes me feel. And if two to three times a week is suggested, then what's wrong with everyday. That just means he'll get bigger faster, right? Dude logic for sure! But in all reality, it was just a new toy that I could get my rocks off with. So, with my girls new work schedule started. That afforded me some "private" time with my new toy. And I remember the last thing she said to me before going to work was "don't hurt yourself", famous last words. Ha, so I went about my exploration, my expedition if you will with careful abandon. I wanted to experience what it was all about. So, to be real honest, it definitely "pumped up" things, but it wasn't exactly making me hot and bothered. So what did I do? I was determined to succeed. So, I tried and tried. And when I finally succeeded, what did I see? OH MY GOD! IS THAT BLOOD? Ha ha..funny now but not then. I saw blood in the wee little cylinder that is used to enhance my junk. I immediately removed it to see the damage. And luckily, thankfully, my junk was intact and relatively unharmed except a tiny cut...not real sure how that happened. But it did. So the moral of this story is for anyone experimenting with such an apparatus...be careful,very VERY careful. I was careful but apparently not enough. So after it's all said and done, I've been going around and saying that I popped my peter. And for a guy...that isn't even funny, not something one jokes about. But I am just thankful it was minor so now I can laugh it off. But I've learned my lesson. I think I'll let it grow naturally from now on. After all, it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. And I got a damn tsunami in these here pants!
Later..........
J

*Warning...this is just a pure vent post!"

I'm sure most of you don't know this but I had one of the best jobs in the world. I didn't work for the "man" slaving away making someone else rich. I work for a non-profit that had good ethics and conscientious principles. We have a mission, a vision concept, and great values that have been an expectation for almost since I've been here. (9 years) They were accepting of race, culture, AND sexuality, and probably trans issues too if it came up. This was a place where I was comfortable from the get go. And comfortable enough to start exploring who I really felt I was. Me, J, a boi, no longer the girl I have been. I was preparing myself to come out to my job because I felt that, although it would be a difficult adjustment since we have elderly volunteers, I would be protected by those that mattered, those who hold the cards of my employment. And I will tell you what, that is one of the safest places in the world to be during this process. I knew I was lucky for what I had. And I was dedicated, honored, and just proud to work here.
But now that has all changed. Our umbrella organization that had the money but didn't really mess in the day to day operations has now absorbed my department as well as a couple others. They also are pulling the funding from the organization that I was so loyal to. They have decided that they will just be the "landlord" and run the facility but the organization is now on their own.
And so it becomes....."the Man" (apologies to us real men fyi) So we become just like any other company. Don't care about you, just don't cost us any money and don't spend any money. I sat in a meeting this morning that had I felt that sense of protection I used to feel, I would have voiced my opinion, loudly and walked out. It was the most unprofessional, disrespectful, and honestly, downright racist meeting I've ever attended. And....normally I would have been very vocal and showed my disdain for such abhorrent behavior but...I am now between THE rock and THE hardest place imaginable. With my profession (dirt wrangler-that's code for gardener) I have THE dream job. I get to garden but don't have to be self-employed, only work seasonally, or work without benefits. That is unheard of with what I do for a living. I know this...and sometimes as hard as it is, I have to buck up and do what I have to do to take care of my family. And this morning, that included putting my personal ethics and ideals aside and bow my head. Even though one comment felt like a personal punch in my stomach.
I feel powerless....can't fight back because I WILL LOSE. And with losing my job, there goes the house, our home.
So, getting back to my point...I'm just so sad right now because I was prepared to be who I really am. I felt safe. And now the rug has been pulled right out from under me. But, I will keep fighting in my own way. I have some cards up my sleeve, I just haven't found them yet. I truly believe evil will not prevail. I'm just going to have to sit back for a moment, relax, breathe deep, and wait. I'll wait them out....I think....I'll try to be strong because I am not one to throw my love and devotion just out to anyone.
I just want to be the best man I can be and show everyone else who I am too...and for now, that has been put on hold. I wish I was strong enough to just stand up anyway and fight, fight, fight...............maybe, I'll channel some Bob Marley soon.

Get up, stand up
Stand up for your rights
Get up, stand up
Don't give up the fight

Ah, the Winds of Change and the Rain of Control

Ok, change….believe it or not, I don’t think I’m very good at change. Well, at least I’m not good with slow, unsure change. The kind that careers put people through. The kinds of adjustment that the world makes you wait on. When it comes to me accepting change, when I finally accept it, I want it over and done with, change already! One would assume that being transgender, I’d be all over change and accepting and embrace freaking change….well, I don’t. I can control going to the doctor, getting my script, getting my surgery date, etc. What I can’t control is when my company is going to hit rock bottom. Who is going to be around to watch it/help it fall? I say “my company” when in truth my department has been switched over to a whole different company, I just do that same thing while I see my coworkers, my friends, struggle around me, trying to grasp what’s going on. Trying to keep their heads up and keep going, keep fighting for the original mission. But at what point does the fighting bring you down, break you?
The problem I’m struggling with is that I want to stick around, HAVE to stick around. I need the insurance, the salary, and the comfort of being at the same company for 9 years. But as I sit back and watch history repeat itself, one has to wonder why they keep making the same poor choices. I am incensed at how the non-profit whose sole purpose was to be “for the community” is struggling. The funding source has been cut off, the money that was supposed to keep us going for a long time. The big wigs, the purveyors of the cash have found other toys to play with and are putting us in the attic. I would like to know why they pay the 3 top brass (two of which have been recently hired, I might add) about a half a million dollars in salaries alone, while us “underlings” haven’t had any type of wage adjustment, even cost of living, in 3 years. My salary freeze at one time was fine with me; we were all in this together; ready to make sacrifices for the greater good. But shit, enough is enough. WE AREN’T CORPORATE AMERICA PEOPLE! One more annoyance is how one of them in particular who personally knew our benefactor can make such choices and truly think that she would have made the same ones….never would she have put people out in the cold. Never would she have agreed to take on projects that would put a financial strain on her original concept, her original baby. Never would she have cut us off. He is fucking insane, a megalomaniac.
I also hate the feeling of powerlessness. They have me by the proverbial balls. Unless I find a comparable salary somewhere else, I cannot just say F*&k you and move on. I have to be an adult, not the rebel of my youth. Not the one who really didn’t put up with shit from work or life’s other responsibilities; I took care of myself and myself only. Buying a house seemed like such a great idea. Home ownership seemed like such a grown up thing to do. Now, I am chained to it. I cannot run free and pick up my feet and run to the hills. Grab my girl and hit the road. Nope, I have to pay a mortgage, pay bills. Mow the LAWN for god sake. But at least I am settled, can plant my feet. But there is still the little tiny rebel part of me that wants to fuck shit up! Hahaha
Well, shit….not much info here. It’s just whiny bullshit. Many folks don’t even have homes, or had one and got kicked out so I should count my blessings. And I do…I am truly blessed I realize that. But I get used to my comforts and think all is going to be ok. Things will be just fine. Then a big old wrench gets thrown in the mix from a mother fucker who wants to play god and spend someone else’s money to get his name on buildings. I guess it’s because alone, he’s a man who no one will remember when he’s gone. They will see his name in big lettering against some structure and ask who the hell was that? That must be a really lonely place to be.

My To-Do list

Ok, since starting T, I've been in limbo. Basking in the feelings and surges and physical energy of all things male. Exulting in the step I took to even start hormones. Especially given my abhorrence to needles and doctors. I've felt like I took a huge step and that was good....good enough...maybe? Ha, nope, it's not good enough. One of my biggest faults is sometimes when I succeed a small bit, I am happy with that. I don't tend to go further and bigger. I am just satisfied with being marginal I suppose. But when it come to gender identity one can't really be marginal. Well, at least society doesn't let you. You have to be A or B. Not A.5. So this morning on the way to work I started thinking about what my next step would be. Besides the obvious of telling my parents. I mean a concrete step to make my transition easier. These days I am passing about 75% of the time. And the other 25% is work where I am still a "she" Ugh, add that to the list. Anyway, I've decided the next step needs to be my official name. Legal name. If I change my drivers license and SS card, even if the gender marker isn't correct. And one of my stresses is when I use a credit/debit card. Are people going to question my name vs my face? Will they see a man but read a female? So, in order to reduce some day to day living stress, I think my next step should be legal name change. It's easy, cheap, and would take a huge load off my shoulders. Course first I have to get a certified copy of my Birth certificate from California. Damn that softball tournament! My coach lost my only official copy of my BC.
Ok, so...get new BC, change legal name on SS and DL. Then it's time for surgery...saving for surgery...thinking about surgery....getting the surgery. Man, I am so paranoid about surgery but I want it so bad. I want my chest to look like what it does in my mind. I need to not have to worry if people notice my extra bulk on my chest. And then once that happens, I can change my gender marker on my birth certificate. Luckily I was born in California so even though it's a process and I might have to make a trip out there, it won't be so foreign of a concept there than it would be here in Arkie-ville! (Let's hope)
*And now an update* I was going to put as my next step to come out at work but for f*&%ed up reasons, my job has become a bit unsettled so I am currently seeking other employment. So, I'm not going to come out right now, till it settles down or I find a new job. Crap, just when things were falling into place.....
As my right hand man says...."We are now part of the 'Dark Side', we are stormtroopers!" Ha, I love him and the star wars analogies.....cause I can so relate! I'll try to keep updated better...Later!

Taj Mahal...

So this is it.. No more excuses. No more time to pass. Today is the day it happens in my life. Jack and I started this blog to document his transition. I am jumping on this transition train as well. Before you freak out, no I am not transgendered. I am, however, tired of being the fat girl on this hot studs arm. I have a goal. Within the next year, I want to start a burlesque troupe. To reach this goal, I am going to have to start a life change within myself first. I love the curves of my body, but feel there should be a bit less body to go along with those curves. You only have one life to live, and damn it you have to live it to the fullest! 10 days ago, my dad lost his battle with cancer. One night ago he came to me in my dream. Today, I start the change in my life.

I have come to realize today that I can no longer be a victim. I AM A SURVIVOR! If the world knows what skeletons live in your closet, they have nothing to hold against you. I am going to put my skeletons out there so that I have nothing to hide behind anymore. I was sexually abused as a child. I grew up with a mother that only cared about perfection. I have had an eating disorder for close to 20 years. I am a mother who lost her children to my own mother because of who I am, a queer femme. My children are bi-racial. I live in a state that will go down in a blaze of confederate glory before they will let queers raise children. I am a passive activist who needs to get off her ass and start doing my part to change the world. When shit gets hard, I bail. I am in constant fear of disappointing those around me. I disappoint myself on a daily basis. I can no longer put up perfection for appearances. My flaws are beautiful! Its time to embrace them. I lost 17 years with my dad because I listened to my mother. When my father died, I kept thinking why him and not her? I am, today, letting go of the hate I have in my heart, because it is only keeping ME down. My family is not perfect and that is ok. I went to school for a career that I did not choose, it was chosen for me. I do not want to be a nurse anymore. I love fashion and I think its time I start pursuing that. I am talented and will not waste it for one more day! I am in love with a boy that has girl parts and fuck anyone that doesn't accept that! My dad and that side of my family love him and that is all that matters! The saddest and happiest day was reading my dad's obituary, Jack was listed next to my name as a survivor... I got the message daddy... Thanks!

So this is the plan.. Today starts the rest of my life... Our life! I am not going on a diet, but I am going to start treating my body and my self as a palace instead of a dumping ground. I will shine her and buff her and make sure she knows everyday how fucking loved she is. I will work her and honor her and most importantly... I will love her as he already does....

No more excuses... No more hiding... This is it.... Now if you will excuse me, I have to JUMP!!!!!

We are all in this together...Loves~ JGirl

Just being who I am...wish you all could see....

Ok, this is a blog and an issue that I've been milling around in my head for a while now. I am struggling so much with the actuality of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. Me. But...in order to truly be me, I have to tell people who I am now, and how to handle that. I am no longer "she" I am no longer "K" One reason I thought of this this particular morning is because I am back on Facebook, as J. And I've seen several people from my past that I would like to befriend, but they won't know who the hell I am. So, this means a friend-ask along with a freaking explanation. Ugh, I don't want to explain to everyone who I am now, can't they just see it and understand it and not make me do the hard stuff? Yeah, apparently not. No one said this transition would be easy. But more and more I'm isolating myself in order to not have the discomfort of telling people. Which is totally lame, I know. But I don't want to be the poster-child trans man for my past friends. Part of me thinks, "hey, we haven't really been in touch as friends in the past, why act like now we can reconnect" Why bother?
Basically I am a chicken shit. I live in such a protected world where my GF is my biggest supporter and my close friends are as well. Why step out of this perfect nice world where I am safe and comfortable? Why put myself through people's prejudices and loathing. My girl and I discuss this on occasion,(whenever she can get me to talk about it) She's gently guiding me into telling people, quietly explaining that I am starting to look and sound like J and no longer K. It's going to only become more uncomfortable when I no longer look like I did. I guess "telling" isn't quite the word she uses, "explaining" is probably more like it. She never wants me to do anything that I'm uncomfortable with and has been so patient with my incessant fears. But in the end, she is right. There are just some people I HAVE to explain myself to. Some people I have to come out to. Which I am finding now is one of the hardest things I think I will ever have to do. But, I know when that day comes where that monkey is off my back, I will feel light as air and can be completely 100% me. The me that I love, the me my GF loves, and the me that my friends love....and in time, the me that my family and old friends shall love as well, or if not love, at least see the real me.

My Montage 12/26/09 at OneTrueMedia.com

Be one anothers rock... Even when your on shakey ground...

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Death and Dying...

The Circle of Life. We are born. We grow up. We live life. We die. And if we are lucky, we live life to the fullest and with few regrets. 2 weeks ago tonight, I got the dreaded phone call. It was my dad, crying on the other line. "Erica", he said, "Its not good." I responded, "Its pancreatic cancer isn't it." "Yes", he said.

You are never ready for that phone call. Your life connection, with this person on the other end, flashes before you. You remember the way they held you as a child. The many jokes that were played against one another. And you remember this persons life. Did he do what made him happiest? Yes he did. Did he do the best he could in every situation? Yes, for the most part he did. Are you prepared to say goodbye? No. No I was not ready for this. I called Jack as soon as I got off the phone with my dad. All I could say was how not ready for this I was. When is anyone ready for something like this?

I quickly pulled it together. I had to get there. I had to get to him. I flew out on that Monday. I was met by my little sister and my sister-in-law. We got the phone call to go straight to the hospital. Dad was in route. It was there, in that ER, that I caught my first glimpse of the strong man I had remembered. Strong he was not. He was weak and tired. The doctor told him that if he made it to Wednesday, he would be surprised. Besides the cancer in the pancreas, it had crept into his small bowel and liver. On top of that, there was a blood clot in his lung. There is nothing that can be done. Could this guy not get a break...

We took dad home and started getting his affairs in order. Then came Tuesday night. A night none of us will ever forget. Dad turned his music on and song by song we began to dance and laugh and completely, 100% live in that moment. Memories were made that night! Our cup runneth over...

I flew home last night. I had to tell my father goodbye and get one last kiss and hug in before leaving. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. To kiss someone goodbye that you know you will really never see again is heart wrenching. He told me he was so proud of me and then he whispered something in my ear. I have not spoken these words. I cry as I type them. " Our last chance was our best kid. You will always be my girl. I love you." And with that, I turned and walked out of this childhood home that held so many memories. I left him with a piece of my heart, and took a piece of his with me.

Upon my arrival to our home airport, I came up the escalator and there was the only other boy that has ever held my heart. My Jack. I melted into him for a moment. I needed to just breathe him in. And that is exactly what I did... My dad let me go...And Jack caught me...

Loves to you all....

"Be strong. And when you haven't the strength left, close your eyes and let all this love surround you..." Meet you in my dreams daddy....