Eat, Pray, Love...Now what?

So today I went and viewed the screening of "Eat Pray Love".. I knew going in to this film the utter disdain of the life I am currently leading (relationship excluded), but had no idea that I would be affected so powerfully by this single movie viewing. I felt, as I watched, that this was my life playing out before me. Not this life that I am currently leading, but the life that lies before me. My possible future if the right road was taken on this journey. It left me with a feeling of empowerment. Not empowerment like "I'm going to take this Arkansas life I am leading, nursing and all, and show them who's boss" but more like, "I should sell everything I own, buy some sarongs, and take off on a jet plane to any country but USA and just be ME!"

I can't take it anymore... I want to be free. We work to pay bills for all these materialistic things we own or are currently purchasing. Why? Why am I continuing in this cycle? What the fuck in 30 years will it matter that I worked as a nurse to pay for a $60 water bill? What the hell does it matter that I own my own vehicle? I mean, wouldn't a Pinto make me just as happy if it was also paid for? And perhaps it would make me even more joyous if I was driving that Pinto in Bali or India!

I can't help but imagine a life so freeing that I can leave and go to another destination at any time on my own schedule. I long for that freedom.. And another thing.. I need to forgive myself. And forgiveness can not be accomplished in this hell I am currently in. It is my own hell, but hell none the less. So back to the forgiving part of this. I need to forgive myself for not running to another country when the court date was set and I lost my children because I was in a lesbian relationship. I need to forgive myself for the decades I have let food (lack of or over abundance of) lead my life. All those nights of sleeping with other people just for my own self worth. All those scars that body bares. I have a lot of forgiving to do.

Maybe this year, 2010, has been a bit traumatic and has led me to this moment in time. Or maybe I am losing my ever loving mind. But maybe, just maybe, I am at the crossroads I have needed to be at and the time had come. Of course I could be having an early mid-life crisis as well! I mean, I did look at my toes today and for a second wonder if they (a plastic surgeon) could get rid of the gigantic wrinkles I found, with juvaderm! Ok, so maybe I am rambling and maybe this bottle of wine has left me asking too many damn questions. But maybe not...

Eat Pray Love.. Now what?

Hell if I know, but I will figure it out.. I always do!

Much Love,
J-Girl

What are you gonna do...

You wake up and realize this is your life. Wake up to that annoying sound of an alarm clock, rollover, and start the day. Time to get up and go to a mundane job to pay bills for materialistic things you have acquired in life. This life. You dread every minute... So what are you gonna do?

What you want to do is throw in the towel and sell everything you have. You want to pull up these roots you have planted and take off in a cozy Minnie Winnie. Hit the open road.. Drive to roadside museums like the Vacuum Museum because who goes to places like that? I mean, have you ever known anyone that has been to the Vacuum Museum? Me either... But I want to...

So at what point do you get to do that? When your 80 and retired? Blah! Life is too short.. We need to enjoy it now! But wait... I'm an adult with responsibilities. "I have to go to work." But why do I have to go to work? Because there are bills to pay and a life that has to be led. But who's life is this? This is what old people do. Am I really that age that I thought was so old when I was younger? Yes I am. But I still dream of running away with the love of life, to enjoy life. I want to go to Greece and pluck real olives from a branch and enjoy every moment of eating real Greek olives. I want to gather a bundle of real grapes from an Italian vineyard and feel them pop in my mouth. I want to feel the burst in my mouth of an actual farm peach that I have gathered with my own hands. I want to dance in the streets of a quaint little village that we have stumbled upon...

Snap back to reality... What am I gonna do? Well that annoying sound is alarming.. Time to get up... but first I am going to rollover and kiss the love of my life good morning... And then cuddle up next to him and snooze for just 5 more minutes....

Much love,
J-Girl

The Journey Continues...

Day to Day to life continues.. Jack and I have had a busy 2 weeks.. Our journey has led us 6 hours away to a top surgeon for Jack. It led us through excitement, heartbreak, and alas to hope! We then were led to a concert, The Cliks, that was amazing! The highlight was definitely meeting and talking to Lucas Silveira of The Cliks. As you can see below, Jack was beside himself... Inside anyway! LOL So we are both crushing on this boy that we met and how fun that is!

Now we have a facebook account to keep you, our dear readers, up to date on the needs and wants of the upcoming event "Chest Away Cabaret". What we know and trust is that you are a talented group with big hearts. This we have always known and loved about each and everyone of you! We are blessed to have you in our lives! Thank You All!!!!!!

So now comes the time to announce the goal we have set and tell you our most important needs. We will keep a running goal so that you can see what is happening and how far we have to reach! The Goal is $7000. We have set a goal to reach this by January 2011. Anything over that goal will go into an account to help other transgender persons with surgery in the future. Jack and I have discussed the possibility of exceeding our goal and feel that this is the right thing to do.. Pay It Forward!

So here is a list of needs... I have spoken to some of you about helping already and love that every single one of you I have talked to has said the same thing, "Whatever you need me to do, I am there." In this world, connections make all the difference, and all of you have them.. Thank you for pulling the "favor" card for this boy that we adore... And now the list:

1. A Venue- We need this donated, so if you have connections, work your magic! We need a great space and are shooting for the middle of November! Evening preferred...

2. Singles- We are planning a " Bid for a Bachelor" at the Cabaret, and would love to sell you! Hey, your our friends and selling your ass is for a good cause! How much do you LOVE Jack?

3. Performers- Kings, Queens, Burlesque, Belly Dancers, Fire Eaters.. We want it all!!! If you have a talent, we want to exploit it! (We will house out of townees)

4. Bands- We know a lot of you are talented in instrument and voice.. We wanna hear it and share it!

5. Items- We will be having a "Silent Auction" during this party and are looking for art, clothes, handbags, shoes and of course services! Hotel rooms, Hair, Make-up, ect. Our hope is to put some services together as an awesome package or 2!

6. Volunteers- We will need both behind the scenes and during the action help!

So there you have it.... We are putting it out in the universe and looking to you, our bright shining stars...

Much Love~ J-Girl

I've never wanted to be a rock star......

Most kids have rock stars that they worship for a little while. Sometimes it's about wanting to be that person, sometimes it's wanting to live their lifestyle, and sometimes it's just that you can see yourself in them. I wasn't really ever one that necessarily worshiped rock stars. Now, don't get me wrong, I had the Metallica, Poison, and Guns and Roses posters all on my bedroom walls. Partially cause I dug the music and partially that was the only thing I did blatantly that my father didn't like. I so wanted to be a rebel and tell my dad to fuck off, but I was weak. Not to mention, the wrong words would cause pretty severe punishment, but that's another blog. So posters of annoying hair bands was as "rebelistic" as I got. But all that subtle rock-star love changed this weekend. We went to Hot Springs on Friday night with a great group of friends to see a band. And not just any band. The Clicks. You might have heard of them. They are from Canada. So, that is pretty amazing alone, that a Canadian rock band came to little old Hot Springs. But what got me excited was that the guy who essentially IS the Clicks is a transman. His name is Lucas and he is a doll...a hottie...I say shyly as I blush. The venue was small and intimate, my favorite place to see a good band. So after the show, the girls were gushing to go talk to him...and for me to meet him. I think they just wanted to use me (the token transman) as their segue into a converstation or a party at the hotel, which ever came first...naughty girls!
So as usual, I was shy. I didn't want to run up to him and act like a rabid fan, even if I felt that inside. I've always had this weird thing about meeting musicians and movie stars, I don't want to seem like I am some weird obnoxious fan. Just a regular person who is just as cool as they are, just not famous. (I know, there goes my ego....jumping right on out there! Haha) But after much coaxing...I went with everybody...and the poor guy seemed a bit overwhelmed. He literally just stepped off the stage about 10 minutes before so he was probably trying to come down off that performance high or exhaustion, not sure which.
Anyway, pictures were taken, merch was purchased. Smiles, flirts, etc. He's totally adorable for sure! I had dreams of him playing at my benefit. But of course that is probably something that musicians of any particular "group" get asked all the time. Hey will you do "this" for me because we are so alike on "that" one small level. But you know, a boy can dream and fantasize all he wants. :)
But all in all, it was a great joy to shake his hand and pose for copious pictures. I was charmed and it felt good to finally meet a musician that I had similarities with. That "was like me" so to speak. And, I finally found one I could gush over. I think I'm finally in love with a rockstar..... *wink wink*

pic by Brandy Sterling aka artist extraordinaire from da hood! ;) much love B.
*EDIT* Pic by Taylor Johnston aka coiffure artist and Brandy's beeatch, in da hood! hahaha LOVES Tay Tay!

When pride has to take a back seat....

Friday July 30th marks the day when I took another step towards my transition. I went to a consultation with a top surgeon. I was planning on having several consultations but after meeting this doctor and his staff, I have decided to go with Dr. Raphael in Texas. I met Dr. Brownstein once at a conference and he gave me a packet of his pricing and explained in detail his surgery procedure and though I thought his procedure was great, his pricing was comparable, I decided that San Fran would be too far for me, not feasible monetarily. And though I haven’t met or talked with Dr. Garramone, my third choice, I once again thought about the feasibility of going to Florida.
So, I’ve chosen Dr Raphael and even though the parking lot was full of high end cars, the waiting room full of high end people, they made me feel comfortable. They all called me by the right pronoun and name. Even when I had to hand the receptionist my driver’s license, I shyly said my legal name is on that, she smiled and said ok…like she already knew that’s what it would be. It was a surreal experience. I have plenty of friends who support me. I pass pretty well these days out in public so it was really great for a professional group of people who KNOW what’s up, didn’t judge and treated me with respect.
So after the meeting with the doctor and his charming assistant, I was elated! He told me that I had great pectoral definition and I can expect great results. He seemed excited at the prospect of sculpting my chest. Though he may act that way with anyone, he seemed generally pleased about the prospects of me having a great male chest. Though at this point, that isn't such an issue, I’d rather just have my chest flat than to have the incorrect gender signifiers attached to my chest. But of course everyone wants their body to have that "perfect" look that society expects of us humans, whether you admit it or not. So I was quite pleased at his positive outlook.
Now the downside, in the packet we were given were the names of several medical credit companies they use. You can apply online with all of them so that's exactly what I did once we returned to the hotel room. I was concerned because even though when I purchased my house I had excellent credit; things have fallen apart little by little. First, just buying the house adds a big debt. Then some medical bills came back to haunt me. Then we became a one income household for a wee bit and so bills got paid but usually late. Anyway, I know this isn't an issue any other human hasn't faced out there. But I was hoping things were on my side and that wouldn't hurt my chances at the medical credit....well, it did. I was denied...every time! So let's just say that put a damper on the whole experience. I should have waited I guess for a little while longer.
So now, it's come to this....that wee little button above that says donate. Grrr, I hate asking for help. I'd rather chew my arm off than ask someone to open the trap. Some sort of stupid pride I suppose. Plus, some of you on my readers list I know personally, and love you all but we aren't the Rockefeller or Walton bunch. So, I am going to gather some things together to sell. Put my savings reserved for house emergencies just for surgery and if it happens that far out, my tax return. So little by little I know we will get it. I'm possibly going to see if insurance is even an option AT ALL. The Doctor didn't seem too positive about that though, plus I bet I'd need to pay in advance anyway. But I will exhaust all methods till I have $6750 in my "Chest-Away Cabaret" account and then I'll send all my donors pics! ;) I mean, we might have to make a calendar of all the cute boys I know. Give me ideas on what you would like for your donation if you chose to give one...:)
And my wonderful girlfriend and friends are planning a soiree as a fundraiser. Another thing that makes me a bit uneasy....but once again, I'll step back and swallow my pride. So details will come available once the plan is in place. But the name, Chest Away Cabaret hints to some of the theme...so be prepared. And hope to see everyone.
Later,
J

Chest Away Cabaret... The Announcement!

Less than 24 hours ago, J and I returned from our road trip. J had a consultation with a surgeon about 6 hours away. The MD was impressed with J's pec muscles and seems excited about the ending results of J's "Chest Reconstruction". To say my boy was on Cloud 9... Well talk about the understatement of the year... But now comes the hard part! The "Debbie Downer" of this entire experience. The Finances! We need to gather roughly $7000. So to our friends and followers we turn. As you can see, we have added a "Donate" button to our blog. It was a hard decision for us to make, as both of us struggle with asking for help, but we know the hearts of all of you and know that you love this boy! And so we put out to the universe our need and wait for victory to come!

Please use the "Donate" button as you can... Any amount will deduct from the need.. From $1 to $7000, Our goal is set and now the journey begins.... Thank you in advance for your support, and thank you always for your love...

Yours, J-Girl

PS: Continue to watch for reports of the upcoming Fundraiser Extravaganza " CHEST AWAY CABARET".....