So today I went and viewed the screening of "Eat Pray Love".. I knew going in to this film the utter disdain of the life I am currently leading (relationship excluded), but had no idea that I would be affected so powerfully by this single movie viewing. I felt, as I watched, that this was my life playing out before me. Not this life that I am currently leading, but the life that lies before me. My possible future if the right road was taken on this journey. It left me with a feeling of empowerment. Not empowerment like "I'm going to take this Arkansas life I am leading, nursing and all, and show them who's boss" but more like, "I should sell everything I own, buy some sarongs, and take off on a jet plane to any country but USA and just be ME!"
I can't take it anymore... I want to be free. We work to pay bills for all these materialistic things we own or are currently purchasing. Why? Why am I continuing in this cycle? What the fuck in 30 years will it matter that I worked as a nurse to pay for a $60 water bill? What the hell does it matter that I own my own vehicle? I mean, wouldn't a Pinto make me just as happy if it was also paid for? And perhaps it would make me even more joyous if I was driving that Pinto in Bali or India!
I can't help but imagine a life so freeing that I can leave and go to another destination at any time on my own schedule. I long for that freedom.. And another thing.. I need to forgive myself. And forgiveness can not be accomplished in this hell I am currently in. It is my own hell, but hell none the less. So back to the forgiving part of this. I need to forgive myself for not running to another country when the court date was set and I lost my children because I was in a lesbian relationship. I need to forgive myself for the decades I have let food (lack of or over abundance of) lead my life. All those nights of sleeping with other people just for my own self worth. All those scars that body bares. I have a lot of forgiving to do.
Maybe this year, 2010, has been a bit traumatic and has led me to this moment in time. Or maybe I am losing my ever loving mind. But maybe, just maybe, I am at the crossroads I have needed to be at and the time had come. Of course I could be having an early mid-life crisis as well! I mean, I did look at my toes today and for a second wonder if they (a plastic surgeon) could get rid of the gigantic wrinkles I found, with juvaderm! Ok, so maybe I am rambling and maybe this bottle of wine has left me asking too many damn questions. But maybe not...
Eat Pray Love.. Now what?
Hell if I know, but I will figure it out.. I always do!
Much Love,
J-Girl
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