Manifesting, manifesting, is that even a word?

So, you may or may not know that like many in the rest of the country, my bank account has been less than stellar. I was whining to a friend recently about "needing this, needing that, wanting this" blah blah consumerism at it's best. Anyway, she was telling me about her system. She makes lists of things her family needs and things they want. We talked about maybe if I write them down, maybe just maybe the stars will align and these things will manifest in one way or another. So here's my written manifestation of items that usually get written way down on the priority purchases list.

Book wish list….in no particular order
Becoming a Visible Man-Jamison Green
Transgender History by Susan Stryker
Transmen and FTM's by Jason Cromwell
Self-Made Men: Identity and Embodiment among Transsexual Men by Henry Rubin
Just Add Hormones-Matt Kailey
The Testosterone Files: My Hormonal and Social Transformation from Female to Male-Max Wolf Valerio
Body Alchemy:Transsexual Portraits by Loren Cameron
Sex Changes: The Politics of Transgenderism – Patrick Califia
From The Inside Out: Radical Gender Transformation, FTM and Beyond by Morty Diamond
This isn’t a book, but a subscription to Original Plumbing would be awesome.
Nine Lives: In Search of the Sacred in Modern India by William Dalrymple*
God Is Not One by Stephen R. Prothero
Religious Literacy: What Every American Needs to Know--And Doesn't by Stephen R. Prothero

*Not sure if any of you know this, but I'd like to go back to school for religious studies. Though it is not exactly supported by my loved ones. So I LOVE comparative religion literature.

This is all for now...don't want to send out greedy vibes to the universe...I might manifest something entirely unwanted. Hahahaha
Anyway, life is good right now minus the financial bumps. I have a surgical consult with a Doc in Plano Tx for top surgery. Still haven't decided who to go to. Need to compare notes between my top surgeons. Cost, Temperament, ease of travel, etc.
So much to consider....when it truthfully boils down to who I can afford. Such is life in the American Health Care monopoly. Care determined by the buck. Shitty indeed!

So, once again...another hurdle jumped!

Two days before my first boithday, I decided to go to my job's HR department and spill the beans. Luckily our HR director is a highly intelligent accepting human being, at least with his HR hat on, but something tells me that's really him. Ok, anyway I went to him after I printed out some info from HRC's website about transitioning at work. Basically I just said, I am trans-gender. This has been a realization I've been coming to grips with for 5 years now and now I'm to the point where changes are becoming apparent and I will be changing my documentation in the very near future. I went in there to tell him but also to ask his advice on how we should proceed with this delicate situation. His answer was very frank, honest, and incredibly reassuring. He said get your ducks all in a row (meaning my paperwork) and we will just do it! No questions asked. He would send out an all staff email telling people what the expectations would be. He basically made it seem too easy. But I trust him and understand his line of thinking. If I have all the paperwork to change the legal side of my employment, i.e. tax papers, then all should be good to go. Make it easy on that side and it should be easy on my side. Basically fire K and rehire J! ha
Now, we know it won't be that simple. But I understand his logic. That if I do everything HR needs to make it "legal" then it would be harder to balk I suppose.
So we'll see...one more thing out of the way. Now, work on getting my surgery then paperwork and then it's a go for work.
Ok, so now some of you might ask what my "boithday" is. Well, a year ago this coming Saturday, I took a shot in my ass that changed my life for the better, made me fell more like who I really am. I have felt so good this past year. I mean, it hasn't come without struggle and won't continue without some struggle but I am pleased with the decision to go ahead with my transition. At first when I was coming to grips with my trans-gender issues, I'd think I would just be me and not do hormone therapy or surgery, but as time went by I found that it was becoming harder to be me without medical assistance. And I'm so happy with me and the me to come! Ok, I quit typing me, oops there it is again. ha
I will celebrate Saturday with guys from my FTM group and their families. Some of them I have yet to meet. So, though this is a monumental occasion and I will be spending it with some folks I don't yet know, that is just fine by me! Plus I'm getting chocolate cake....Hello! Awesome!
Later,
Jack

Multimedia message

Comments????

So fyi...for some reason, comments aren't showing up....changed a few settings hoping that fixes things but who knows....I'm a wee bit Blogger illiterate! I hope we haven't missed any of your wonderful words.....if so, we aren't ignoring you, we just haven't seen them.

And we are off... Almost!

I have to start with a letter...

Dear Vibram,

Thank you so much for not custom making your creepy five finger toe shoes! It is the one want my boy has that makes him a disgusting straight man.. And calms all fears of mine that he will one day scream queen out on me! Much Love!

Ok.. Now that that is out of my system... So J and I are traveling to Wisconsin in what I hope will be close to 24 hours from now. I am torn with emotion right now, but doing a damn good job of holding it in! January 17th of this year my dad passed away from a very short (3 week) battle with pancreatic cancer. To say we were devistated and completely shocked is an understatement, but we made it through. And now, 4 months later, we are having his memorial service. I don't know if you know what northern Wisconsin is like in January, but the spreading of ashes (yes we know it is illegal) on a lake is impossible! It would take driving across the the lake in a truck and then drilling through the 10-12 inches of ice, before you hit water.. And so, needless to say, the service is now June 5th. My dad was a fishing guide. He was a fisherman. Everyday he did in life what made him happy. And so it is only right that his kids gather together and set him free at his favorite spot on the flowage... So here is the hard part. I just want to get there already, but yet I don't want to be there. Clear as mud right? We have had a few months to heal. Now we have to face this darkness again. It will be a celebration of his life, through our broken hearts... I want to remember my dad, but I dont want to live through the pain. But I also know that my brothers and sisters need me. And I need them.

I am thankful J is going to be by my side. I can always count on my boy to be there! Its gonna be a lot of fun.. Summer in the Northwoods ALWAYS is! But can we skip what we now call "Sucky Saturday"? Guess not.... We will try to write from the road a bit.. And thank you too all the Aunties that will be caring for our critter children! Much Love, J-Girl

Yup, I swim real good!

So, this post is going to just be mundane and a wee bit aimless. So, I apologize in advance.
First off I'd like to discuss my appreciation for shoes. I LOVE shoes. If I made better money I would honestly say I was obsessed with shoes, but I won't say that because I don't buy them that often. But right now I do want a new pair...a very specific type of shoe. These shoes to be exact....

But guess what? I have what they officially call simple incomplete syndactyly. WTF? Argh, I have loved my 'deformity' all my life! I love my feet, I think I have super cute toes! Even in church when the high and mighty small town bitches made fun of me, I wasn't deterred from loving them! But oh no....now this company had to go and make SHOES like these! Well thanks a lot....I jokingly said one day maybe they would make me a special pair if I sent them a foot imprint...and guess what I found on their website? This is posted in their FAQ section.
CAN I WEAR FIVEFINGERS IF I HAVE WEBBED TOES OR SYNDACTYLY?
Unfortunately the design of FiveFingers does not accommodate webbed toes or Syndactyly. We are unable to make custom FiveFingers to fit specific foot needs.
Well fuck you Vibram. I don't want your hoity toity yippy shoes anyway. (Yes I do and if a rep is EVER reading this blog, please please please get them to make me some, I will pay extra and be your friend forever!)
hahaha....waiting, waiting, waiting..............

Now onto another subject. My hair, yes...I am weirded out by my hair these days. I'm only going to assume it's due to the T that my hair is changing. It's changing texture, i.e. it's getting curly! I have also due to money restrictions quit getting professional haircuts. Something I think my inner gay boy LOVES to get! So needless to say my hair got pretty long. And was super curly. To the point that I just couldn't do a thing with it! (and that last sentence is said with an accent, which one I am unsure of.) So, I headed to a friends house and had her get out the clippers and her scissors and shore my locks. She isn't a pro btw but she does a good job, plus it's kind of like a salon because her and her girlfriend have a beer fridge with home brew ON TAP! So, hell....pretty much like a salon albeit a dykey one...haha So, my haircut turned out great for a freebie and given that my hairdresser was drinking beer, I am more than pleased.

Two days from today I will be either on my way or in Wisconsin. The timeline is fuzzy only because the girl and I have differing opinions on the schedule. But, there I am ALL boy. I won't have to worry about running into "girl world" friends. Is that even what I should call it? I have no idea how to address that part of me. Any suggestions? Anyway, I am so excited. I pass most of the time these days but get constant reminders of "girl world" from work, family, and just previous acquaintances that I try hard to avoid but in our wee little metropolis, it's difficult. Speaking of which, I have been getting stares more often as of late. Well, I think I have anyway. Even though I used to get stares in my kirk Cobain phase too. But recently I was getting a stare down from an old man. So of course my mind started racing. "He's on to me" or "He fucking knows!" or "Oh shit, this mother fucker wants to kill me.", the last statement is pretty much where my mind went. He just had this look of scorn and hatred. Now, it could have been super unrelated and he wasn't even looking at me, maybe he was constipated and just pissed that he ran out of prunes. Maybe his SSI check hadn't been mailed yet and he was jonesin for some Johnny Walker Red. Who knows, but this made me think...have I always been so paranoid? Will I continue to be this paranoid? The funny thing is, back in the day...I used to stare back with as much hatred and scorn they were giving me. But these days, since I've started on T, I am relatively laid back. I don't have that pent up anger towards society. Now don't get me wrong...I can get super pissed and freak out...but it's quick and over. And I like it that way!
Oh well, whatever...I'm just going to go about my life knowing I'm doing what I want, are they? I'm happy, are they? Probably not....and since I have prunes in my fridge, I'm walking on sunshine, so there mother fucker! hahaha....later, J