Totally Random Work Avoidance Post

So this past week I got my desktop computer up and running a wee bit smoother. It is quite old, but it was free and I just want it for music downloads and an occasional web surf. So after I finally got all the bullshit windows updates downloaded and installed, I downloaded a pretty good music program. One that is NOT iTunes! This one organizes music, downloads podcasts, and syncs with my pod (everything iTunes does without the bullshit).
And that's all I want a music program to do…every time I’ve installed iTunes, it crashes my old computer…plus several times it has totally lost all my music. Luckily I have iTunes on several computers as a back up. So anyway, I went about downloading some stuff, mainly pop music. Not my fave but I was having an impromptu party on Saturday night so I wanted to make sure I had some dance tracks for the masses. But one song in particular I downloaded was an Eminem and Rihanna song, ‘I love the way you lie’. I have to say, a wee bit shamefully, I LOVE THIS SONG! For some reason it totally speaks to me somehow. Not because I want to kill my girlfriend or anything, but I can relate to having that situation where you have done something really bad, something someone shouldn’t forgive you for, but they do…because of love. Love can be a seriously powerful thing. I say thing because it’s hard to describe what love is. Love can be great, awesome, but sometimes it can suck and make one fall into the lowest of the lows.
My family unit was never one to say I love you out load. We just kind of knew it. It was just one of those unsaid things like, your hair looks like shit, or you need to lay off the beer. We KNOW those words to be true, so why say them out loud. So this leads me to my gigantic quandary of the millennium, my gorilla on my back, my trumpeting elephant standing on my bed daily. Telling my parents I am a transgender man. Fuck if I cannot say these words to them, I think I’m treating it like I have treated all of our major emotional situations, without words….they should just fucking know. Grrrrr
I have a consultation this week with my first surgeon. Things are getting more real, more serious. How am I going to approach this when I have my surgery scheduled? I think I should tell them before I get so deeply into things so they can process one step at a time. I think it is unfair of me to lay it all on them and they'll have to process it all at once AND have to worry about my health during a surgical procedure, which by the way, my mom has had to go through because of cancer. Ugh, see….it’s not so easy. She is not going to understand due to her own “baggage” why I would even want to willfully remove my chest. I have to make them see me as male. Somehow I need my dad to let go of his concept that I’m his “little girl” Something that should have gone away long ago given my butch tomboy tendencies as a kid anyway. I believe this is why he and I didn’t get along when I was a teenager. I was not acting or behaving or looking anything close to “Daddy’s little girl” concept.
Ok, creepies….not it THAT way! But seriously, I think every father envisions their daughter as prim and proper and full of sugar and spice. Unfortunately for him, I got the snails and puppy dog tails.
So here we are, yet another post about telling my folks, another post realizing the issue but not finding the resolve. Maybe I can call up Eminem and have him hook a brother up…dude, write a song about this and I’ll play it for my parents. The funny thing is, my intention for this blog was going to be about Eminem and how some people love him and some people love him. I have flip flopped on this issue, after the song with Rihanna, I think I understand him a little better and people need to realize that rap doesn’t always have to be about the inner city, being hard, or showing off cars and booty. White trash mo fo’s have problems too, it’s just society is uncomfortable hearing about it. I think I like Eminem now. I think he’s actually pretty talented at capturing that part of life. He’s words are mostly simple but sometimes he has a powerful lyric that moves me to the core. And yes, I realize some of them have been homophobic. Once again, we’ve all made mistakes.
Ok, I’m just rambling at this point…I need to get back to it. I need to quit writing about NOT telling my parents and be able to write one about TELLING them. Every time I’ve seen my Mom since I started transitioning, she’s told me how great I look! And part of me knows that it’s because I FEEL great and that shows. So, when I have my cute little flavor savor, wonder if she’ll say the same thing…I look great because I feel great! haha

P.S. When I spell check this on my word program, it tells me what grade level the particular document is written in...and you guessed it, 7th grade reading level. Wow, I apologize for such basic mundane writing. What can I say, in Arkansas, 7th grade IS the senior year after all. hahahaha

Vibrators and Handbags...

The mind is a funny thing. Humans have their own way of processing and thinking. What is good to one may not be good to the other. The same reigns true when it comes to the differences between men and women, and it all comes down to hormones.

On a recent "Anniversary" of ours, I realized just how true this was. I was so excited that my dearest was coming home from work at noon (something that rarely occurs during the week), so that we could spend the day together. I am thinking grocery shopping together (a task in itself with our 2 non-alike brains) and then.... A stop to show my love the handbag that I have been drooling over and dreaming of for weeks now. (Perhaps I had ulterior motives seeing as how my birthday is coming up in a few short weeks and well, I prefer to pick out my own present when I am this gaga over something.) I am a smart girl and know that you have to plant that seed so my smart boy thinks it was his idea, but lets keep that a secret! So after getting groceries, I suggest we go to said handbag store. I was beyond excited.. My boy was the complete opposite, but like the trooper he is, he didn't protest too much. I should probably say here that he wanted some new sunglasses and that is kind of how I got him to said handbag store, and I didn't think that the only sunglasses they had were women's! OOPS! My love did, however, have a different stop in mind. The local adult store.. He, being the doll that he is, felt that perhaps I needed a new vibrator. Now I must say that though that is a sweet gesture, I do not feel the same need.. When staring at 2 material things that are roughly the same price, I would choose handbags over vibrators any day of the week! (Woman Brain) My boy? You guessed it... Complete opposite! If it can somehow lead to sex, it will always be chosen! (Man Brain) Not that I blame him, but I have him for that need/want to be filled, I don't however have the perfect shade of pink wrapped tastefully in a touch of the perfect black with ruffles in the perfect place, HANDBAG! I secretly was wishing that such a beautiful thing that fits perfectly on my arm was coming home with us that day. It didn't. My heart kind of ached when I had to put her down. She was like that cute adorable puppy that waddles over to you and rests its chin on your lap and stares up at you with those big puppy dog eyes that say "Take me home." She already has a name. My body was screaming out with this need.. This want... Daddy squashed that shit real quick... And it was for the best, I suppose, in all reality. Though I must say that Vivie doesn't have to be potty trained!

That night when we went to sleep, I dreamed of my handbag and this blog posting... And this is the conclusion I came to when I awoke... I love his brain. It is sexy and though selfish, thoughtful for the most part.

So what did we come home with that day you ask???

Groceries of course!

Loves, J-Girl

Nomenclature or something of the sort….

So recently a friend decided on his name. That got me thinking I need to seriously come to my naming decision. My problem is that my brother got the family name, the good one anyway. I’ve been rattling ones around….my girl middle name was Lynn. That’s a unisex name. But then my name would be Jack Lynn…get it? Jacqueline? Or some shit…Nope, not that one. Then I started thinking about family names, not the one my brother got but other family names. My paternal grandfather’s name was Mack…so Jack Mack, nope. My paternal grandmother’s maiden name was Russell, so Jack Russell…um, no way! See how difficult this is?
Grrr, it’s about to make my head explode! And my girl is so sweet about it. She tries to help when it comes up. She’s thrown some ideas out there but I just haven’t heard it, the one…the middle name that in the scheme of things doesn’t really matter. So I’ve tried to be strangely logical with things like looking at what my monogram would be. Do I want it to say something or look really cool in old English style script? I mean, because if you know me, you know everything I own is monogrammed…..not! Plus the first letter will be J and the last will be G, so that doesn’t leave very good options for actual words. JOG? So, let’s go with Owen, which was an uncle of mine. Nope, what about Oscar? That was my favorite sesame street character. Oh man, JUG, that could work. I mean a jug of beer or milk. Rhymes with chug, something I’ve never been good at. Oh the brain, my brain….turn it off! U names are quite hard to come up with. How about Uriah, after Uriah Heep, the 70’s English band or Uriah Faber, the California kid, WEC fighter.
See, I am getting nowhere. I look at baby name books to no avail; I glaze over at about the letter F. I’ve thought hard about using Aaron. It rhymes with my girl name and I guess would sound ok with my first name. The problem is I feel it’s too normal, to plain. And I have to say, my first name is a bit plain so I wanted to mix it up with my middle name by making it something unusual. I’ve even thought of my favorite characters out of movies. Yoda is my favorite movie character. But it doesn’t flow together well at all. Other than that, it would be John from the movie the Hunger, and that would break all my personal rules.
It all boils down to this…all my life, I have felt like my girl name was plain, boring and just downright meaningless due to the fact that it’s so 70’s and dull. No one in my family has my legal name. And though my brother was born after me, he got the cool family name. So, add another chip to my shoulder, ha. Oh well, maybe I should just do a dart board method. Or maybe just maybe I should chill the F out and let it come. I can’t really do anything till I have surgery anyway, and I have my first and last so maybe I should be crazy and defiant and leave it at that. Or pull a prince move and create a symbol, course it better be a wingding font so I can print it out for the judge.