So this past week I got my desktop computer up and running a wee bit smoother. It is quite old, but it was free and I just want it for music downloads and an occasional web surf. So after I finally got all the bullshit windows updates downloaded and installed, I downloaded a pretty good music program. One that is NOT iTunes! This one organizes music, downloads podcasts, and syncs with my pod (everything iTunes does without the bullshit).
And that's all I want a music program to do…every time I’ve installed iTunes, it crashes my old computer…plus several times it has totally lost all my music. Luckily I have iTunes on several computers as a back up. So anyway, I went about downloading some stuff, mainly pop music. Not my fave but I was having an impromptu party on Saturday night so I wanted to make sure I had some dance tracks for the masses. But one song in particular I downloaded was an Eminem and Rihanna song, ‘I love the way you lie’. I have to say, a wee bit shamefully, I LOVE THIS SONG! For some reason it totally speaks to me somehow. Not because I want to kill my girlfriend or anything, but I can relate to having that situation where you have done something really bad, something someone shouldn’t forgive you for, but they do…because of love. Love can be a seriously powerful thing. I say thing because it’s hard to describe what love is. Love can be great, awesome, but sometimes it can suck and make one fall into the lowest of the lows.
My family unit was never one to say I love you out load. We just kind of knew it. It was just one of those unsaid things like, your hair looks like shit, or you need to lay off the beer. We KNOW those words to be true, so why say them out loud. So this leads me to my gigantic quandary of the millennium, my gorilla on my back, my trumpeting elephant standing on my bed daily. Telling my parents I am a transgender man. Fuck if I cannot say these words to them, I think I’m treating it like I have treated all of our major emotional situations, without words….they should just fucking know. Grrrrr
I have a consultation this week with my first surgeon. Things are getting more real, more serious. How am I going to approach this when I have my surgery scheduled? I think I should tell them before I get so deeply into things so they can process one step at a time. I think it is unfair of me to lay it all on them and they'll have to process it all at once AND have to worry about my health during a surgical procedure, which by the way, my mom has had to go through because of cancer. Ugh, see….it’s not so easy. She is not going to understand due to her own “baggage” why I would even want to willfully remove my chest. I have to make them see me as male. Somehow I need my dad to let go of his concept that I’m his “little girl” Something that should have gone away long ago given my butch tomboy tendencies as a kid anyway. I believe this is why he and I didn’t get along when I was a teenager. I was not acting or behaving or looking anything close to “Daddy’s little girl” concept.
Ok, creepies….not it THAT way! But seriously, I think every father envisions their daughter as prim and proper and full of sugar and spice. Unfortunately for him, I got the snails and puppy dog tails.
So here we are, yet another post about telling my folks, another post realizing the issue but not finding the resolve. Maybe I can call up Eminem and have him hook a brother up…dude, write a song about this and I’ll play it for my parents. The funny thing is, my intention for this blog was going to be about Eminem and how some people love him and some people love him. I have flip flopped on this issue, after the song with Rihanna, I think I understand him a little better and people need to realize that rap doesn’t always have to be about the inner city, being hard, or showing off cars and booty. White trash mo fo’s have problems too, it’s just society is uncomfortable hearing about it. I think I like Eminem now. I think he’s actually pretty talented at capturing that part of life. He’s words are mostly simple but sometimes he has a powerful lyric that moves me to the core. And yes, I realize some of them have been homophobic. Once again, we’ve all made mistakes.
Ok, I’m just rambling at this point…I need to get back to it. I need to quit writing about NOT telling my parents and be able to write one about TELLING them. Every time I’ve seen my Mom since I started transitioning, she’s told me how great I look! And part of me knows that it’s because I FEEL great and that shows. So, when I have my cute little flavor savor, wonder if she’ll say the same thing…I look great because I feel great! haha
P.S. When I spell check this on my word program, it tells me what grade level the particular document is written in...and you guessed it, 7th grade reading level. Wow, I apologize for such basic mundane writing. What can I say, in Arkansas, 7th grade IS the senior year after all. hahahaha
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