I'm sure most of you don't know this but I had one of the best jobs in the world. I didn't work for the "man" slaving away making someone else rich. I work for a non-profit that had good ethics and conscientious principles. We have a mission, a vision concept, and great values that have been an expectation for almost since I've been here. (9 years) They were accepting of race, culture, AND sexuality, and probably trans issues too if it came up. This was a place where I was comfortable from the get go. And comfortable enough to start exploring who I really felt I was. Me, J, a boi, no longer the girl I have been. I was preparing myself to come out to my job because I felt that, although it would be a difficult adjustment since we have elderly volunteers, I would be protected by those that mattered, those who hold the cards of my employment. And I will tell you what, that is one of the safest places in the world to be during this process. I knew I was lucky for what I had. And I was dedicated, honored, and just proud to work here.
But now that has all changed. Our umbrella organization that had the money but didn't really mess in the day to day operations has now absorbed my department as well as a couple others. They also are pulling the funding from the organization that I was so loyal to. They have decided that they will just be the "landlord" and run the facility but the organization is now on their own.
And so it becomes....."the Man" (apologies to us real men fyi) So we become just like any other company. Don't care about you, just don't cost us any money and don't spend any money. I sat in a meeting this morning that had I felt that sense of protection I used to feel, I would have voiced my opinion, loudly and walked out. It was the most unprofessional, disrespectful, and honestly, downright racist meeting I've ever attended. And....normally I would have been very vocal and showed my disdain for such abhorrent behavior but...I am now between THE rock and THE hardest place imaginable. With my profession (dirt wrangler-that's code for gardener) I have THE dream job. I get to garden but don't have to be self-employed, only work seasonally, or work without benefits. That is unheard of with what I do for a living. I know this...and sometimes as hard as it is, I have to buck up and do what I have to do to take care of my family. And this morning, that included putting my personal ethics and ideals aside and bow my head. Even though one comment felt like a personal punch in my stomach.
I feel powerless....can't fight back because I WILL LOSE. And with losing my job, there goes the house, our home.
So, getting back to my point...I'm just so sad right now because I was prepared to be who I really am. I felt safe. And now the rug has been pulled right out from under me. But, I will keep fighting in my own way. I have some cards up my sleeve, I just haven't found them yet. I truly believe evil will not prevail. I'm just going to have to sit back for a moment, relax, breathe deep, and wait. I'll wait them out....I think....I'll try to be strong because I am not one to throw my love and devotion just out to anyone.
I just want to be the best man I can be and show everyone else who I am too...and for now, that has been put on hold. I wish I was strong enough to just stand up anyway and fight, fight, fight...............maybe, I'll channel some Bob Marley soon.
Get up, stand up
Stand up for your rights
Get up, stand up
Don't give up the fight
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