Ah, the Winds of Change and the Rain of Control

Ok, change….believe it or not, I don’t think I’m very good at change. Well, at least I’m not good with slow, unsure change. The kind that careers put people through. The kinds of adjustment that the world makes you wait on. When it comes to me accepting change, when I finally accept it, I want it over and done with, change already! One would assume that being transgender, I’d be all over change and accepting and embrace freaking change….well, I don’t. I can control going to the doctor, getting my script, getting my surgery date, etc. What I can’t control is when my company is going to hit rock bottom. Who is going to be around to watch it/help it fall? I say “my company” when in truth my department has been switched over to a whole different company, I just do that same thing while I see my coworkers, my friends, struggle around me, trying to grasp what’s going on. Trying to keep their heads up and keep going, keep fighting for the original mission. But at what point does the fighting bring you down, break you?
The problem I’m struggling with is that I want to stick around, HAVE to stick around. I need the insurance, the salary, and the comfort of being at the same company for 9 years. But as I sit back and watch history repeat itself, one has to wonder why they keep making the same poor choices. I am incensed at how the non-profit whose sole purpose was to be “for the community” is struggling. The funding source has been cut off, the money that was supposed to keep us going for a long time. The big wigs, the purveyors of the cash have found other toys to play with and are putting us in the attic. I would like to know why they pay the 3 top brass (two of which have been recently hired, I might add) about a half a million dollars in salaries alone, while us “underlings” haven’t had any type of wage adjustment, even cost of living, in 3 years. My salary freeze at one time was fine with me; we were all in this together; ready to make sacrifices for the greater good. But shit, enough is enough. WE AREN’T CORPORATE AMERICA PEOPLE! One more annoyance is how one of them in particular who personally knew our benefactor can make such choices and truly think that she would have made the same ones….never would she have put people out in the cold. Never would she have agreed to take on projects that would put a financial strain on her original concept, her original baby. Never would she have cut us off. He is fucking insane, a megalomaniac.
I also hate the feeling of powerlessness. They have me by the proverbial balls. Unless I find a comparable salary somewhere else, I cannot just say F*&k you and move on. I have to be an adult, not the rebel of my youth. Not the one who really didn’t put up with shit from work or life’s other responsibilities; I took care of myself and myself only. Buying a house seemed like such a great idea. Home ownership seemed like such a grown up thing to do. Now, I am chained to it. I cannot run free and pick up my feet and run to the hills. Grab my girl and hit the road. Nope, I have to pay a mortgage, pay bills. Mow the LAWN for god sake. But at least I am settled, can plant my feet. But there is still the little tiny rebel part of me that wants to fuck shit up! Hahaha
Well, shit….not much info here. It’s just whiny bullshit. Many folks don’t even have homes, or had one and got kicked out so I should count my blessings. And I do…I am truly blessed I realize that. But I get used to my comforts and think all is going to be ok. Things will be just fine. Then a big old wrench gets thrown in the mix from a mother fucker who wants to play god and spend someone else’s money to get his name on buildings. I guess it’s because alone, he’s a man who no one will remember when he’s gone. They will see his name in big lettering against some structure and ask who the hell was that? That must be a really lonely place to be.